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Dear Breakup Girl,

Someone once told me -- and I think it may have been the most truthful thing anyone ever said to me -- that if a man wants to be with a woman, then he will be. Period. End of story. And for the most part that seems true.

I'm not asking you to make up bizarre excuses for me like, "Oh, maybe he just got abducted by a flying saucer, and he just doesn't remember the passion you shared..." but I can't seem to get over this.

It was a very short but intense "relationship" (for lack of a better word -- we're talking about two weeks here). But man did we click, big time. We had everything in common, everything: enjoyed the same things in life, same music, same social scene, everything. So I said to myself, "Take it slow, no rush, just let things take their course." But the course he took things on was extremely fast, hence the short but intense "relationship."

Then, one day, he just didn't feel that way about me anymore. I found out later he was dating someone else; I don't know if he was dating her during our little tryst; it's possible. My question is this: how could it have been so intense and then just vanish? Do men really lie that much? He wasn't after just a fling. Truth is he's been a perfect gentleman ever since. (We work in the same place but fortunately don't see each other a lot.) It's weak and sad on my part, but I don't have the will power to say no; he could have and probably still could take advantage of me at any time, but hasn't.

It seems like what truly happened was that he was extremely attracted to me, came on to me, asked me out, said all kinds of nice things, always called, always asked when he could see me again -- I couldn't believe how lucky I was -- and then it was just plain over. He never gave me any explanation. Do you think it was all really just a lie? Every time we do see each other, I swear there's a connection; is it possible that it's only on my part, even after knowing that it was once mutual?

I'm truly baffled. I've never felt such a strong mutual initial connection, and he said that to me, first. He gave me all the signs that this was not something that was going to go away, at least not soon, but it did. I've been fishing everywhere for an answer, and even though I know you don't have one, maybe you can at least shed some sort of light on this.

--Fishin'

Dear Fishin',

How could it have been so intense and just vanish? That's how. Suck-suck-sucky though it feels, file this one under "Fast and Bright, comma, Burned." I really don't know why, but I do know that some flames … do that. To mix metaphors, it's: Relationship Concentrate. If you think about it, it's actually less mysterious than a slow smolder and fade, which could just as well make you think: "You know you don't like me already? But we haven't even…?" No one made the wrong moves, no one could have made it different. What else can I say?

But about that Guy precept, I don't know. If I went on record agreeing with you 100%, I'd get a flood of e-mail from suddenly outspoken shy guys saying, "Hey, give us a break!" What we can take from that hypothesis is this, for guys and girls: it's a bad idea to hurl oneself at someone who's clearly saying, "Um, could you not do that?" It's a good ide to trust that you're diva/o enough not to have to cajole someone else in the first place. But hey, everyone needs a leg up sometimes. If you feel that a little noodge is needed, you have BG's blessing.

Still, Fishin', your precept does work backwards, you realize; I think it's safe to surmise that this guy wouldn't have spent that time with you if he hadn't wanted to. That's why there's no Guy Lie here. You had a killer two weeks (hey, better than two years with someone who had an exit plan from day one) and have, thankfully, little weirdness now. Take heart in that reassurance -- if not an "answer" -- and keep searching for that Duraflame.

Love,
Breakup Girl

 
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