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Dear Breakup Girl,

Having ended relationship #1,542, I've come to the conclusion that I'm a jerk magnet. These days, on a jerk scale, they rate pretty low on the idiot scale when compared to my earlier forays (I'm now 38)... but I still seem to attract guys with a serious case of protracted adolescence. I figure I'm sending out some kind of vibe that turns off the interesting, but fundamentally grown up, guys and exuding some kind of come-hither vibe to every idiot within eye contact range. I've been told I'm too picky (hey, I just want a guy who won't get trashed and throw up on me on a date), that I should have more realistic standards. But hey, I'd rather be alone than with a jerk. And besides, aren't I worth that rare, decent human with both integrity and a warped sense of humor? At this point, my jerk perimeter alarm system is a finely-honed bit of machinery, so I'm not real concerned with the "ohmygod he's-the-one" turning into "ohmygod-he's-a-nightmare" syndrome. Haven't had that nasty surprise for a few years. My question is, if I'm commitment-shy and go for the jerks because I know I'll never become involved with them, how do I stop subliminally attracting them, and repelling the cool guys?

-- Faustina

Dear Faustina,

Perspective moment #1: standards are key. But let me concur and underscore: "not vomiting on me" is a given, not a plus.

Perspective moment #2: I'm not so sure you're actively "repelling" the "cool guys." Perhaps you just can't see them waiting, contemplating their next move, or waiting shyly for you to make one. Because perhaps one of the characteristics of the "adolescence" of which you speak (remember, we do not call you-know-whos you-know-whats here at breakupgirl.net!) is a certain fearlessness about stepping up to the plate and saying, "Hiya babe! Your Dreamcast or mine?!" So perhaps the you-know-whos just ... get to you first. And then they're there, so they're on that path called Least Resistance (or in that prophecy called Self-Fufilling), and down you go. #1542. In any case, try not to see everything (save, perhaps, that technicolor yawn) in such black and white terms: not just "jerk" vs. "cool" or "attract" vs "repel." These are all shades in the first place, and people are full of surprises. And: subliminally attract away (take those alarm-trips as votes of confidence for your inner spinster) -- but also make sure to actively work on ... liminally attracting the "cool" ones.

Love,
Breakup Girl

 
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