< PREVIOUS LETTER
 

SHOUTOUTS

To Sexless and BG:

I can't speak for your current flame, but for me, I'd like to know as soon as possible about my partner's experience, or lack thereof. If the two of you stay together, develop strong feelings, and start to get serious, then you let him know. A simple hesitant, "I don't have much experience with this" (as in none) will clue him in. And his response should clue you in -- or hopefully, if you have gotten this far, reaffirm -- how much of a good, wonderful, guy he is. The response you are looking for, and will hopefully get, is: "Oh," pause, slow grin, "Okay, wow. Cool," slightly embarrassed look, "I mean, well, why don't we just take it slowly, and well, well, I'm honored that you might choose me." A Why is allowed and expected to some extent. But most guys out there will treat the possibility of being your first as an honor and as something special, which it should be.

And from Laurel:

I was a few years older than you when I had sex for the first time last year, but otherwise, my situation was almost word-for-word like what you describe yours to be. (My boyfriend and I are still deliriously happy, for what it's worth.) First of all, I think it's a mistake to think of sex as a binary you're-having-it-or-you're-not proposition. You can be in an intimate physical relationship without Doing the Deed right away. Obviously if you're going somewhat slowly (which is usually a good thing to do in your first really serious relationship, anyway), he'll get the message that sex isn't something you take completely lightly. And in the meantime, you've gotten comfortable with each other -- emotionally and sexually. So (a) the sex act itself won't seem like the hugest of deals or some massive Crossing of the Border, and (b) it won't seem so weird to him when you do tell him that you haven't slept with anyone, because he will know you. And the fact that you haven't had sex is part of you; in no sense does it define you, but your various choices have come about because of the individual you are. I don't think of virginity itself as something to be proud or ashamed of, but you damn well should be proud of who you are as a whole person, and he should appreciate it, too. Otherwise, he's not worth it. Good luck -- and have fun!

To Ken from Laura:

I am a woman who started dating a fellow much older than you -- he was 38 -- and still a virgin. When I first realized this, on date 6 or 7, I must admit it freaked me out. (Also, I was kicking myself for not having figured it out earlier; there was a certain awkwardness to our first kisses and times holding hands that should have given it away.) He also wanted to wait until marriage or full love at least.

However, I really liked him a lot, and one male friend who had also waited a while (inadvertently) suggested that I give him a chance. I did and have never been happier. While I don't like to compare lovers, there is no question that after a short learning curve, he's surpassed the ones I knew personally and most of the stories I hear from my girlfriends.

So there is hope. I think it is a good idea, though, not to bring it up right away. Give her time to know you first and see what you have to offer. Also, be aware that she may be concerned that you are gay or have a naturally low sex drive. It's unfair, I know, but if you can reassure her on these points that can really help. If you have religious convictions involved, it's good to talk about those also. Good luck to you! There are advantages to not having intimate exes about.

Regarding last week's column from Tom:

On how us gentlemen would like to learn that an SO is a virgin: this is supposition on my part (haven't had it happen, although it did happen in reverse fairly often in my younger years -- for some reason I never figured out, I somehow projected being somewhat more experienced than I was. Not due to lying about it, but several women were surprised at my actual level as opposed to what they thought it'd be), but I'd guess what'd work for me would be how I approached it from the other side. As either make out activities or private conversation about possible make out activities started going places this man hadn't gone before, I'd basically just tell her that I'd not done this/that before, so I might need some guidance/instruction/patience as I learn how. Or in some cases say that I'd not done this yet and didn't really think I was ready to yet. Being willing to talk about why I felt that way, of course. Maybe I was lucky in choice of partners, but I don't recall any of 'em having problems with an honest admission of when I was in unexplored territory. If anything, I'd guess that it might have made the experience better on both sides in terms of greater communication about what each wanted or what worked best. After all, there's the old bit about how the Army prefers recruits who've never shot a gun over kids who've been hunting for a while as the former haven't learned any bad habits yet and can be trained from scratch.

To Eleanor from Amy:

I agree with BG, you're doing everything right, but here's a tip that might help with at least one part that's not being nurtured now. You mentioned not being touched for eight years: when I split with my beau of 5 years, I found a massage therapist pronto. I knew it would be difficult to go into tactile-deprivation, and I didn't want it to drive any decisions about whom I spent time with or how much I'd be wearing when I did. It feels good to be touched (even if "only" professionally) and can be an important part of maintaining good physical, mental, and emotional balance. Try it, it's a wonderful treat for yourself! [And watch for a forthcoming BTD with similar ideas! -- BG]

To The Cheater from Rachel:

Reading your letter is like visiting myself nine years ago. I dearly loved my soulmate boyfriend and planned to marry him. This wonderful guy also had me convinced that I was physically repulsive, unutterably stupid, and had the worst, most unfeminine personality on the planet. Oh, and he wanted to sleep around a lot before we got hitched. But he lo-o-o-o-oved me.

Why did I put up with this? Because he was my first boyfriend (first date at age 22 - I must be repulsive!) and because he had had a tough life. My friends and family knew that he was bad for me, but they kept quiet because they knew how stubborn I was.

Now, nine years later, I have a boyfriend who truly thinks I'm the bomb (and I think the same thing about him). We might disagree on political things and the like, but there is always respect and admiration between us. However, I am still dealing with the repercussions of the abuse (and yes, it is abuse, "Cheater") of Boyfriend #1. I only wish I could have had friends like yours convince me to leave earlier than I did; four years of your nearest and dearest telling you what scum you are and how generous he is to put up with you leaves scars on your soul no matter how much therapy you have later. Listen to your friends and leave ... and ignore every word out of this guy's mouth from now on.

To Sichana from John:

Asking someone to change won't work. But what you can do is negotiate. You can say, "If you will make an effort to try and not leave your clothes on the floor, I will take out the garbage" or do some other chore. In other words, you're not saying, "Change so you're not messy any more" which will never work, but rather, "I know you don't like putting your clothes away neatly, so I'm willing to trade to get it done." This has worked wonderfully in my life and marriage.

To BG from Julie Foolie:

I wrote to you back in September, as a shoutout to Fox who got dumped and had her ex hook up with her friend with neck-snapping speed. I had the same thing happening.

Well, at the time it hurt so much. I dusted myself off and went out and ACTED AS IF I wasn't hurting, but I knew the truth. Every time I went back to the hometown, my stomach turned into knots, I couldn't eat or sleep, and I got the shakes. This was of course my COUSIN/lifelong sister substitute who was with the ex. I avoided family situations, and when I went back to my new city, I continued to Brady-date like there was no tomorrow. One Saturday I had three dates and, well, it didn't heal my heart, but it did mean I didn't stay in whimpering.

Well, last weekend, I had to go back because it was my (our) Grandmother's 75th birthday, and going back was the CLASSY thing to do. And yes, I felt queasy and, yes, I had my doubts. Well, cousin and "man of her dreams" didn't choose to attend. (Since I came at the last minute, I doubt were not there as a means to avoid me...) I got major points for a) driving 450 miles to see Grandma and b) showing up and being very friendly to everyone whereas someone who merely had a quick drive across town couldn't be bothered to show up. Anyway, that faced, I talked to some cousins I had never known very well previously (my grandmother had 14 children and a 52 year marriage!), talked to aunts and uncles, and had a WONDERFUL TIME.

Anyway, the moral of the story is that it may feel like its never ever going to heal and that certain details of your particular breakup mean your heart is doomed forever, but there is a time when people actually move on and the stomach does settle and you can eat Chinese buffets with people even when everyone knows what happened...

I SHOWED UP ANYWAY. I'm not healed enough to call her up and say lets go for low fat lattes and French fries, but I am healed enough to no longer care.

Yeah, I miss having my lifelong friend, but she made her choices. What I am saying is no matter what it feels like when you are dumped, even the nastiest breakup heals over eventually and all the "details" (he's marrying my cousin; I will see them at all the reunions...) don't necessarily sentence you to a lifetime of being hurt.

And once more, a big thanks to Breakup Girl, your column sure helped me through the rotten hours and gave me ideas what to do with the in between days. PS: I'm not in a relationship right now, but I could be; I'm just not interested that much. I'm having more fun with casual dates and my gal friends, and it's way less stressful than dealing with a "serious relationship."

BG responds: Who-hoo! Thanks!

< PREVIOUS LETTER