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Dear Breakup Girl,

OK, I've been looking for guys on the Internet. Very, very carefully, as per BG rules: phone calls, RL dates in safe daytime public locations, no long-distance weirdness, etc. And actually, it hasn't been bad.

I met a guy who was intelligent and bright, and we had a very romantic first date. (I won't give the details, but notice I said romantic, not sexy.) We dated a few more times and got past the dreaded third date which was at my house, involved a lot of physical activity, emotional sharing, etc. This is a really, really shy guy here who wants to marry and have kids, and so we're taking it slow. While we don't have a commitment or any promise not to see other people, I'm about to bring this up, as by Date #4 I have his work and home numbers, the names of his pets, and his medical history, plus we have had The Talk (I mean the STD talk, not the Tell Me How You Feel Talk). Later I found out he's also told his Mom about me.

I wasn't aware that he was continuing to go on other Internet dates, but I knew it was possible. Since we hadn't discussed this or promised anything, I thought it wasn't out of line (though I myself was losing interest in seeing other people).

OK, so I'm figuring, "Wow! This one might work! He's cute; he communicates; he's smart; we get along great; and we like each other!" Then, I don't hear from him from a week. You guessed it; there's someone else. Here's the freaky thing: she's not someone he's been dating, but rather someone his friends have been campaigning for and with whom he hooked up at a party. BOOM! It's love, apparently(or at least instant sex, so it must be love). I asked him to please come break up with me in person, and he does (!) and we do, with a minimum of acrimony. (Note to those of you planning breakups: I recommend tapas bars. They're quiet but public.)

I do not try to talk him out of it. I do not tell him he's a sleazeball. But I do tell him that he is never going to see me again, that I am a gift, and that all the wonderful things he liked about me he has lost for good. He looks stunned. Later, he asks if I want a hug (I suspect really that he wants a hug) and won't let go and asks if I will call him and tell him how I'm doing (to which I say, no, too painful). OK, BG, I know what to do. I'm keeping busy, getting some sleep and food, staying focused; I even have some nice, social activities lined up for what could otherwise be a really icky weekend.

Here's my query:

1) Do you think that this sudden thing with this other girl is The Real Thing or a panic attack brought on by the idea of making a commitment to me?
2) Did I call it correctly by doing a nice, mature, clean slice?
3) For the achy, little girl inside the big, brave lady asking these questions: Do you think he still likes me?
4) If this relationship turns into a disaster on the scale of the Titanic, do you think it's worth giving him a second chance? I truly, truly don't think he's ever done anything like this in his life before.

--Realist but still Hopeful

Dear Realist,

1. I don't think it was sudden. You just found out suddenly. He had two pots brewing separately, and somehow -- through no apparent fault or misstep of your own! -- one bubbled to the top. (Plus: the friends/party story is what he told you. Not lies, spin. You were turned off by the seeming "suddenness," but from his vantage he could have been trying to cushion by not making it look like a direct ongoing competition.)

2. Yes. He could have cut out the "Do you want a hug?" part, though.

3. Girlie, I'm really not sure. But wait, come back, brave lady!

4. #3 said, I wouldn't say no to 4. I actually don't think he's committed a sin as cardinal as you do. Believe me, I know how supremely SUCKY this feels. But it was only four dates, which -- though I know things looked real promising -- doesn't even necessarily require a tapas breakup (phone's fine). Talks got had, mothers got told, and hopes got hoisted, but no promises got made. And who knows, maybe he just felt like he had to give the party girl the good ol' college try, at least so his friends would shut up.

Still, but for my couple of tweaks, you're doing everything right. So now that you have had the Tell BG How You Feel Talk, soldier on, sistah, soldier on. He's out there. Just think: He could be having tapas with someone else right now!

Love,
Breakup Girl

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