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Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been dating a guy for six years. He is Jewish, and I am Catholic. He has told me that unless I convert to Judaism, he will not marry me and our relationship will end. He has said this from the very beginning. For the last six years, I have tried to live like a Jew in that I have been to temple every Friday night, have been to Shabbat dinners, and have kept all the holidays. I have not done the conversion course. Throughout this time, I was not given any help or guidance as to what should be done (e.g. where to read from whilst in temple) from either him or his family. I have spent six months apart from him recently, and I have gone back to church. This has made me feel a lot better. For the first time in six years, I feel as if my spiritual side is finally awake. I have gone out with many male friends whilst I have been overseas, but I have not been romantically involved with any of them. I do, however, find myself constantly comparing all the guys I come into contact with to my boyfriend, and I still prefer him. I do see some personality qualities in him that I am not happy with, and these are as follows:

1) He is a control freak and gets upset when he feels that he is not controlling me. I have handled this by not telling him things that I know will upset him.
2) He has not established any kind of relationship with my family in the past six years; he communicates as little as possible with them.
3) He does not get on with any of my friends and does not have any friends of his own. His life is centered around his work, sport, and family.
4) He does not like parties, and we are always the first to leave any function we may attend.
5) He does not spend enough time with me.

I also feel that I should list all his positive qualities so that this can be a balanced account of the state of affairs:

1) He is very well natured and generally happy.
2) He is very fit and athletic.
3) He is hard working.
4) He is family-centered.
5) He is extremely intelligent.
6) We very rarely argue or fight.

I am now at a crossroads where I need to decide whether I should move on and eventually start a new relationship or stay with my boyfriend and endure the conversion and associated change in lifestyle. I have tried to give you as much information as possible because I really need an independent, clear-headed assessment of the situation. I fear that I have been through this in my head so many times that I am no closer to making the right decision.

–Isabel

Dear Isabel,

My friend Juliet and I used to have this joke. We’d smack our foreheads and say, "Oh, no! I have to organize the Middle East peace conference! … Wait, that’s not right. Oh, thank goodness. I only have to organize my life. Phew."

Well. When I started reading your letter, I thought, "Oh no! I have to talk about religion." But as I read farther, I thought, "Wait, that’s not right. Oh, thank goodness. I only have to talk about love."

In your situation, religion is not, as it were, a cause. It is a symptom, I believe, in a lack of faith you two have in each other and your relationship.

I am stunned, for example, that your boyfriend would demand so much of you, and yet contribute so little to getting you there. I mean, the whole point of sharing a religion, if that’s what you’re after, is, you know, sharing. (This may be a low blow, but it’s hollow commandments like his that do nothing to dispel the notion that Jews who want to marry Jews are following nothing more than some sort of arbitrary / discriminatory checklist.) But frankly, what he’s [not] doing is, if you think about it, consistent with each of the problems you cite in your list. This is why it’s not – only – about religion. In fact, the sounds more like the guy in Diner who told his girlfriend he’d marry her under one condition: that she pass a sports trivia test. He is not demonstrating the kind of commitment he is asking you to make, anywhere.

Speaking of checklists, I’m sorry, sweetie, but your effort to be fair falls flat. It is a list of attributes. It is not a description of the delightful lustful powerful bond you two share that make all these troubles seem daunting, but somehow workable. Worth working on.

I’m not saying it, or he, is all bad. Sure, something must have been keeping you there, keeping the Sabbath, for six years. Even when you -- given no support -- managed to absorb the Jewish culture only in so far as you were willing to go to Temple and sit in the dark, alone. But was it something entirely healthy? Not sure.

See, Isabel, at this point it’s like he -- or this relationship -- are the Temple. In that you’re there, but you don’t know where to look, how to feel. And no one’s reaching out. No one’s touching you. But I want your married home to be a house of worship. Not creepy pedestaly blind crush worship, but rather the cool solid diggin-each-other think-each-other’s-the-bomb kind. Would you live in that place with this guy? I’m not sure.

Please also note that you wrote that you still prefer this guy over … men you weren’t interested in in the first place. Um, okay. And that you wrote that now, in the light – though alone – you are finally awake. You want to know what to do? That’s where to read.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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