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SHOUTOUTS

To BG from (Formerly) Regretful:

Not a question -- just a thanks. About a year and a half ago, I wrote a hugely long-winded and whiny letter to you about how I couldn't stand my live-in boyfriend and wanted to break up with him but didn't know how. You said, basically (in a much nicer way of course), that it didn't sound that bad, but that if I really thought it was over, then it was, and I needed to get over myself and break up with him already. I thought about that, and realized that it wasn't really that bad. I was having a hard time adjusting to living with someone again and doing that whole "sharing" thing. And I got over myself. In addition to sharing, we tried compromising, cooperating, and all those Sesame Street concepts that I'd never really thought to use before. (As an only child, I never had to do any of that stuff growing up.)

We're getting married in three weeks. Er, OK, so it's because I didn't take your advice, but at least it was the catalyst that led to a healthy, normal relationship instead of the martyrrific nightmare it was. (Although I still say DO NOT LIVE TOGETHER BEFORE MARRIAGE. Bad idea. Makes things infinitely trickier. And I probably wouldn't do it again if I had the choice, but we all make mistakes.)

To Confused in Venice from Joanne:

You're the victim of a pattern as much as anything else. Baby chasers (older men who go for younger women) are often looking for someone they can mold to their own specifications, rather than just a firm and young bod. Anyone who is young, insecure, and inexperienced can easily be convinced that the psychic equivalent of a straight jacket is normal relationship gear, at least in the beginning. This guy sounds like a classic example: he's arranged a life which allows him to spend every afternoon getting hammered, to avoid all work (either literal work or work on himself), and to have fun with his life-sized toy (he gets to tell you what to do: i.e., when to go to bed). He's managed to convince you that your primary job in life is to keep him happy, to support him, and (when you threaten to leave) to keep him alive. This is just ducky for him, but for you it means that if you don't get out now, you'll never be able to have kids with this guy (since you're not going to be able to support him and the kids); you'll never be free to do anything really significant for the wider community (since he'll take up all of her emotional energy); and(perhaps most importantly), you'll never be able to see God/The Buddha/ Tao/fill in the blank clearly as long as you're busy polishing the feet of your own personal little idol. You've turned him into your spiritual project, and, ironically, you're nothing more than an enabler for his own negative pattern. The only way for you to really help him is to leave him; otherwise, why should he change??

Of course, this isn't your fault; you've been neatly manipulated into this corner, probably by someone who's pulled this stuff for years. But, if you can't leave him for the "selfish" (and very good and healthy!) reasons you outlined in her letter, then you should leave him for the sake of the work you'll be able to do and the life you'll be able to have if he doesn't take up all your time and energy. In other words, leave for the future, as well as for the now. Don't pour all that good healing Piscean energy down a poisoned well!! I sincerely hope this is coherent. And I will add that any spiritual community that allows this kind of crap to go on in its midst ain't worth a bucket of warm spit. You need to find another guru, too.

To BG et al regarding Sunkissed from Ali:

I just read the question from the 15-year-old girl who wanted plastic surgery. When I was younger, I always was so embarrassed about my facial features that I wanted to have them "fixed." But now I appreciate what I have because I don't look like everyone else. Wouldn't it be boring if we all looked the same? I am so thankful that you gave such a positive message to that girl, because it is so hard to get past looks when perfection is the goal of today.

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