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Dear Breakup Girl,

My girlfriend and I are on the road to a breakup; she says she isn't committed to the relationship enough and needs time to figure out why. I take this to mean she isn't ready for marriage (which, in some ways, I'm not either -- with her, at least). She said she doesn't want to do couples' counseling and feels dragged along in the relationship, not doing things in the way she feels comfortable. I thought we were on the same page and now find we aren't even in the same book. I'm crushed, heartbroken, and sad like never before because I was ready to put in the work and effort to make this relationship work with her. But at the same time, I have also come to realize and listen to the doubts I've been carrying around about her and our future. I can see that, in the long run, it is probably for the better, but for now I feel alone and sad and sigh more often than smile. I don't really have a question except to ask about any support groups which may help which are located in the city. I'm seeing a shrink, so that's a good thing, but I just wonder if there isn't a "breakup club" I'm missing somewhere.

--Sad and Blue Boy

Dear Sad and Blue Boy,

Oh sweetie, your "breakup club" is the city. (Assuming, in our cosmopolitan provincialism, that when you say the city, you mean this one.)

And I'm not just talking about Bars! Restaurants! Nightlife! Museums! I'm saying that hey, in some senses, you've got a shorter route to healing than folks whose choice is to stay home or to run into their ex at the bar. (Not the "in" one, the only one.) And yes, it is a place where for me to say "Get out there and do stuff!" is neither empty nor lame nor a dead-end. And -- though I don't mean to say that you're not unique or that your feelings are not acute -- that practically everyone you meet (especially when you do stuff) has been where you are (and in a bigger town, it's a safer bet that they've not been there with/out you).

And hey, this place can even been a good place to be alone. As the Times recently reported:

"It can be hard to find peace in this city. A seemingly unending flow of traffic and people rush through the streets like water from a broken dike, and New York City is known throughout the world for being in a state of perpetual motion. Yet a growing number of New Yorkers who have been finding solace in a different type of motion, using an ancient setting to combat the trappings of modern urban life: the labyrinth. A labyrinth is a tortuous pathway usually laid out in a circular pattern. A person enters and exits at the same point, following one path into the middle and that same path out again. During the last decade, with the boom in New Age spiritualism, there has been a resurrection of labyrinth use as a kind of walking meditation...In New York, labyrinths can be found at at Judson Memorial Church ... and Riverside Church ... and they have been used nearby at the Cathedral Church of St. John the Divine. In addition, some New York artists make temporary labyrinths and conduct labyrinth workshops. Diana Carulli, who has a studio in SoHo, painted the labyrinth [that is one of two in Union Square] on 17th Street between Broadway and Park Avenue South that are to officially open next month."

So: to spill and lament and process, to rebuild internal support beams, use the labyrinth (or reflective place of your choosing) and the shrink. At the same time, if you explore a bit more, I think you'll see that your world -- the world -- can and will get even bigger.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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