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Dear Breakup Girl,

Here's my problem. Last year, I was totally dumped by my long term boyfriend. I had accepted a job in a new city, and he was going to move here to be with me after he finished the job he was working on. After we broke up, I was devastated. I was in a new city with a new job and few friends, and I hadn't been alone in so long that at first all I wanted was to find someone else. Everywhere I went I saw couples, and I felt like a loser with a big red "REJECT" sign stamped on my forehead, surrounded by happy, coupley people. I was miserable.

It took me a year to get back to normal. I finally started making some new friends and meeting new people, and I dated a couple of guys who made me remember that it's better to be alone than to be with someone who just isn't right for you. I moved into a new place, started playing sports again, and I now have a totally great crew of close friends! I really had a great summer, followed by an awesome fall and Christmas and really felt like myself for the first time in a while.

Then I met this guy. He is great; we have so much in common, so much to talk about, and the same sense of humor. He's stable, has a good job, AND is cute! I totally had a crush on him and was really happy when he told me that he felt the same way. I really enjoy his company and think he is attractive ... but there is something wrong: little nit-picky things about him drive me up the wall! Like, certain mannerisms he has or the fact that his hands are kind of feminine or his socks don't go with his shoes ... it seems like whenever we're alone together, I find myself focusing on all these stupid little things that for whatever reason totally turn me off!

What do you think this means? Stupid stuff like that never bothered me about my ex; he would wear this one pair of pleated jeans that I absolutely HATED, and we'd just laugh about it. I think with this guy, if he wore those same jeans, I'd probably fake a headache and go home, they would irritate me so much! Do you think I'm focusing on these little things because deep down I'm not attracted to him? Or could it be that I'm afraid of being hurt again so I subconsciously try to turn myself off this guy? Or have I just been having so much fun being single lately that I don't want to give it up? What do you think? I really do like this guy, but I can't seem to let go of these little things!

--Kate

Dear Kate,

So you have this crappy lonely breakup, you crawl -- grasping at random shadows-- through the dark tunnel called Rebound, and you come out the other side to great free-to-be-you-and-me fanfare. And to great pressure to "get it right the next time." To have the next guy be The One, or at least to be with him for the Right Reasons. Result: this guy's tripping wires that weren't set before. No sense, therefore, in comparing your Annoyance Tolerance then-and-now; with this guy, as far as you're concerned, you've got way more to peeve because you've got way more to prove. Such that teeny wrinkles look like big huge honking headache-inducing PLEATS.

But you know, the people who drive us bonkers come packaged with things that drive us bonkers. So I'd say you're fine for now; just notice your feelings and store them in the closet -- but not too far back. Because at some point you'll have to be honest with yourself about whether you might need to reframe them. I mean, if "his socks never match his shoes" starts to lead in your mind to "therefore, we will never be the perfect match," well, there you go. Remember, just because you meet someone Great when you're Ready To doesn't automatically mean s/he's It. (Likewise, just because you can pleat denim doesn't mean you should.)

Love,
Breakup Girl

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