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Dear Breakup Girl,

Here I am writing to an advice column about love and I think my problem is I cannot feel it! I am 34, never married, not exactly new at the dating thing. I am well-educated, reasonably well-adjusted, and have usually picked good guys to go out with. They are good, decent people, treat me well, etc. But at the same time, I have trouble feeling a grand passion. In a way, I look at them kind of interchangeably, since I do genuinely care about them, yet it always seems to just stop right there inside for me. It's as if I can only feel so far with them and then I get so sad that my heart can't or won't return the same level of passion and commitment that they feel towards me. It's awful, BG. I end up hurting people because I am in long relationships that do not have the level of intensity I think should be there ... but there are always enough good things in these relationships that keep them going maybe a bit longer than they should. I seriously worry something is wrong with me, like I'm emotionally disabled or handicapped.

I might add that I have felt an intense passion and love for one man several years ago. The feeling wasn't even close to anything I've ever known. But to my horror, that one time was a mistake. He turned out to be a criminal, wanted by lots of people for fraud and embezzlement. I was crushed. But I have had time to heal since then ... but still, ironically, I wish I could feel some of the level of pain and angst that some of your other readers are experiencing, because then it would at least feel...well, closer to the Real Thing and not just a friendly substitute.

I feel like I am missing out on what everyone else is experiencing. I don't understand this! Am I just emotionally shortchanged? I have deep feelings of love towards my friends, and I did not have a horrible childhood, though it was not great. I care about other people, the environment, etc. So why can't I feel real love?

Right now I am in yet another comfortable relationship with another really "great guy." This guy has my utmost level of respect, and I really like the kind of person he is. We are good friends, he is so supportive of me and everything I do, and yes, I am attracted to him physically. Great Serious Relationship potential. Yet, again, I can only go so far. It's been about five months, and in some ways we continue to grow closer, but in others, the passion just stays elusive! It's maddening. I get queasy when I hear about love at first sight or a soulmate connection because I would so desperately want that for myself. I am starting to think maybe it just is not in the cards for me this time around. Any perspective you have would be so appreciated.

--Emotionally Shortchanged

Dear Emotionally Shortchanged,

I'm gonna hand this one over to someone completely non-interchangeable: our own Belleruth.

"Shortchanged, it's possible that your one experience of being swept off your feet by a sleazebag criminal type was so disturbing -- not just because of the danger you might have been in, but also because of what it meant to you about your own judgment and being able to trust yourself -- that it becamse a one-trial learning experience. While you may have healed even more than a layer or two below the surface, it's still possible that you've been traumatized more than you know. The good news here is that maybe your unconscious is doing you a whopping favor, because now that blindness will not strike twice.

Still, you might be forgetting something about the nature of lasting passion...the kind that doesn't disappear forever after the first three whirlwind months. It hangs out in a person's ability to be present in the moment with another person, with all the senses hooked up and humming and operating, taking another person in with exquisite, focused attention. So it means being with someone and not assessing whether or not they are the best possible one ('cause who the heck is that, anyway?), but rather really being with them. It's not focusing on 'Why aren't I feeling more?' but rather on 'Who is this?'

It's kind of like learning to meditate. In fact, it is meditating, with the object of the meditation being the other person. That's how you develop a capacity for passion, the kind that sticks around, the kind you can return to again and again. The good news is, it's a learned skill. You don't have to wait to be hit by lightning by THE ONE. Might not sound so romantic right here and now, but very, very delicious nonetheless."

So, ES, maybe you're still kicking yourself for falling for the (literal) bad guy. But if you think about it, it was Fraud Flintstone's job to deceive; as you said yourself, it worked on lots of people before you.

And maybe, ever since, you've been playing it safe and sturdy with what-you-see-is-what-you-get guys about whom you might not have been so grand-passionate in the first place. So yeah, start asking, "Who is this?" And asking yourself to be the lightning rod.

Love,
Belleruth and Breakup Girl

PS: Belle recommends: Journey of The Heart.

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