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Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm currently on a "break" with my boyfriend. I'm 26, he's 38. We've been together for a little over a year and recently we've been getting pretty serious; I was about to move into his apartment until this all came up. . I still live at home with my parents, he's been on his own for 14 years. He has his habits, I'm still changing mine. Lately, actually, since a long time now, we've been arguing about a number of things.

1) I am generally a messy person and I tend to leave things in a mess. This drives him nuts and he constantly criticizes me for it. Now, I understand his frustrations and I'd like to be a neater person -- but this is going to take time and patience and I'm not so sure he can be the patient and understanding person I need him to be. He is constantly making comments to me about it and to be honest with you, it drives me batty, I feel like I'll be moving in with another nagging mother.

2) I was not brought up with what you'd call proper manners. I don't always cover my mouth when I yawn, I don't use my knife properly when I eat and I like to unbutton my pants when I come home from work. These things also irritate him and he tries to teach me to do things properly, and even though it would be nice to have it all come easily to me, it doesn't. I usually try and fight it by asking him why he doesn't just like me the way I am and why he wants to change these things about me. Am I wrong? His rebuttal, "I'm not trying to change your 'ams' just some of your 'dos'" His concern lies in his children learning bad habits. There are no children in this relationship yet; why worry now?

3) Eating habits: I have bad ones, I know this and would like to change it but I'm a sucker for fried foods. Mind you, I try to eat as healthy as possible when I'm around him especially. When he starts gaining weight, he turns to me to lay blame. I think he was really chunky as a kid and still has issues about it. He will even blame me for his not going to the gym. He says it's my fault because he can't say no to me when I want to spend time with him or go out for an unhealthy meal. Now, I must admit, he's made a breakthrough on this issue. The other day he told me that I'm a victim to his quirk. Ever since he's been young and he sees people who are overweight, eating french fries, he's been disgusted. He says that because he knows I want to keep healthy, he has the same reaction to me and hence, I get the criticism. I'm not sure how fair this is.

Those are the major things we fight about on a regular basis. I've decided to reevaluate the relationship. I need to think about whether I'm ready to make these steps towards a responsible life (but will this make the criticism go away?) and I told him to think about who it is he wants to be with...me or the person I would be if I made all these changes.

Am I overreacting? Is the age difference the issue here (12 years is a lot, but he is very much a kid)? I have to say some things on the positive end of this. He makes me laugh and smile. If I'm having a bad day, all I have to do is see him and I feel much better. He sweeps me off my feet when he's not criticizing me and I do truly believe that I love him. But I don't know if we are compatible. I hate the thought of breaking up but if I have to, I can convince myself that we are not meant to be. I need your advice.

-- I Don't Wanna Grow Up

Dear I Don't Wanna Grow Up,

Good eating habits are good, as are manners, and cleanliness is hardly a dirty word. I mean, it's not like your boyfriend is criticizing you for not robbing a bank. Therefore, in other letters, other lives, we'd talk about how your boyfriend could gently support you with healthy/happy-making eating, or we'd go on a tour of Breakup Homestead to show how happy couples with mutual peeves can successfully designate clean/messy zones of the house. That kind of thing.

But this situation has gone beyond the practical. Now it's a big messy power struggle loaded with the bad kind of cholesterol. You're trying to "change" because you "should;" he's being a blame-displacing meanie in the first place. That stuff about Ams and Dos? Cheap sheep's clothing. Bah.

Look, I understand that there's some good stuff between you. But no fair for him to, like, sweep you off your feet and then drop you, saying, "Whoa! Have you gained weight?!" And there's a difference, IDWGU, between having differences and exacerbating them, sillyputtying them into something else. You might want to take those steps, sweetie. You might not want to take them with him.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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