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Dear Breakup Girl,

Help! How do you break up with someone who just moved in with you (about a month ago)? She also has a three-month-old baby girl (not mine), whom she allowed me to middle-name. I'm sure she has no idea that I want to end the relationship, and I am completely horrified at the prospect of telling her. I feel especially bad because I pursued her aggressively (long-distance phone calls, letters, gifts, visits) and moved her in with me from Tennessee. (I live in Northern California.) The relationship was wonderful (although sometimes rocky) over the phone and via letters, but the real thing proved to be something less than I was expecting. It's not that I'm not willing to sacrifice and work to make the relationship work; it's just that I don't have any interest in continuing and maintaining it. I miss my independence, my freedom, and my old life. But I feel absolutely awful; I feel guilty and want to hate myself for involving her in a situation that required so much effort and investment on both of our parts ... only to pull the rug out from under her.

Just so you know, I haven't found someone else, and I'm not in the habit of screwing around with women's feelings. I have simply lost interest in this relationship, and I want out. But I still feel guilty, unfeeling, and awful, and I have no idea how (or when) to tell her. Please help. This is making me crazy!

--Matt

Dear Matt,

Eeek. Is the little girl's middle name -- like yours -- Mud? Yup, this is big, but don't get me wrong: I do understand how it could have happened. Having someone's phone-voice and letters and missing-ness in your house is one thing; having someone -- with a bonus baby someone -- in your house is entirely another. You meant well and felt lots, but the reality part tanked. I get it.

So now what? Well, normally, I issue the IMPORTANT BREAKUP GIRL MAXIM that dumpers -- no matter how guilty they feel -- don't help dumpees through breakups; it's like dating your therapist, in reverse, which is weird...and it doesn't help anyone feel better. In your case, however -- while there's little you can do to assuage the hurt itself -- I do feel like you need to put together some sort of severance package. You're gonna need to help her --if she'll accept -- with a new place, a plane ticket, whatever. However much effort it took to get her there...well, that, in reverse. Replace the muddied rug with a safety net. And next time, if anything, have someone move closer, not in. Good luck.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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