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Easier said than done, BG!

I know. Going from touch-typing to ... touching can be a big step.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I've been talking to this guy online for two years. Nothing romantic or anything, we're just friends. He really wants to meet me, and I'd like to meet him, too. The problem is that I'm not very pretty. In fact, sometimes I feel really yucky about myself. I'm afraid that when he meets me, he won't be my online friend anymore, so I've been making up every excuse in the world not to meet him. Not that I've told him I'm pretty or anything, I certainly wouldn't want to misrepresent myself. But for some reason he thinks that I am. He tells me he is interested in me, can't wait to meet me etc.

What should I do? I would be so hurt if, after we met, he didn't want to talk online any more. I can take rejection from strangers, but from a friend, it would be so devastating. Maybe you'll say, "If he isn't interested in you after meeting you, then he's a shallow person and doesn't deserve you." This is a good point, but I've already controlled for this. When anyone IM's me, they inevitably ask what I look like. When they do, I tell them that I'm a haggard beast. Now, this guy never asked. Therefore, in my book, he is a Good Guy. He doesn't care. Some other guys have asked and still talk to me after I tell them that I'm a haggard beast. These are OK Guys. The ones that don't talk to me after this, all the better for me, I've already weeded them out. But this one has been talking to me for two years without knowing a thing! He is a good guy! I'll feel so bad about losing his friendship. Should I chance it?

--Lumpy

Dear Lumpy,

I see what kind of experiment you've set up here, sweetie, but I think the margin of error is pretty massive. Remember, looks are just one of many things that make people do stupid things. Inside:pure/outside: superficial=false dichotomy. Browse my archive, especially MGP's letter , for other rants about appearance -- and more words of support for those concerned about theirs* -- but in the meantime, yes, I really do think you should meet this guy; my sense is that he will stick by you, offline or on. Yes, it will be terrifying; it will feel like you are risking everything.

But see, that's part of the problem. Given what you say about how yucky you feel, I see why it feels safer behind your screen. I'd say -- scary as it is -- you should keep trying to meet people both online and off. That way, you don't let one relationship become the date-all or friend-all. And do try to find a way to let go of the notion that people need some sort of informed consent when it comes to how you look. Especially because haggard is as haggard IMs. Again, never mind how these guys do or don't respond; ultimately -- and especially IRL -- it's the image you put up in the first place that they'll reflect back.

Love,
Breakup Girl

*good stuff here, too

General advice: If at all possible, don't let your Inter-intimacy get huge before you meet. Get to know enough to want to know more, not so much that you think all that's left to know is how it looks on. Meet when you're still just friendly flirty e-acquaintances; this way, the most you've set yourself up for is ... a date.

And beyond that?

Dear Breakup Girl,

After four years of staying out of the dating scene, I finally re-entered by placing an ad on the Internet. Many guys have responded, which makes me happy because I really like to be pursued. I'm not the type of chick who can go out and talk to guys in a bar. I'm very shy, and it comes out as being standoffish. Well, the problem is that after we talk for a while, we finally decide to meet and then poof, it's over. I can totally see that they are disappointed by me. It makes me feel very insecure about myself, like I'm not meeting these guys' expectations. I know that there can't always be chemistry between people, but why do they seem so interested in me before we meet? They will call and write every day, but as soon as we meet, it's over. Very few have actually said, "You're not my type;" most just never call again after they've said they would. I'm very confused and discouraged. I know the Internet has worked for a lot of people, but it hasn't worked for me, and I wonder if I'm to blame for it. Please help!

--Confused

Dear Confused,

Huh. That is annoying and discouraging, isn't it? First of all, give yourself a break: four years is a while for your dating chops to lie fallow. Consider this a warmup. And remember, for the reasons I've stated above, it is easy to connect online, harder to keep the in-person stuff up to speed. And maybe you've had an unfortunate series of mismatches between a gal who's bashful in person and a guy who ain't great at reading between the shy lines. My suggestion? Stick with the Internet, but focus on activities, not pure personals (more on that below). Find people you've got common interests with; hang with them as a group. This way, you won't find yourself in one high-pressure ta-date! situation after another. Of four more years of hiding.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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