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A little philosophy about cyberdating.

Is getting to know someone online, like, real? Well, are your feelings about this ICQT real? Well, then, this thing is real. But cyber-only love is not real in a Velveteen Rabbity, flesh and fur sort of way. It just isn’t -- but that doesn’t mean it’s bad or pointless.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I told my netfriend I was in love with him after more than two years worth of online communication. He said he doesn’t feel the same, but he cares for me deeply and reserves the term "love" for the future. I am totally fine with this because I’ve always always been cautious about Internet people, and I didn’t want him to reciprocate because that would make things hugely more complicated for us. I don’t want a cyberboyfriend either; that concept is just not for me. But I do feel strongly for him, and it terrifies me because there is a big, fat chance that we won’t even click on our first meeting. It’s a little difficult to separate my idea of him from non-virtual reality (i.e. my everyday life). We are both 17. I’m a very social person, but I’ve never been in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship (not even with netfriend), and I don’t know if this is because of him or not. I don’t want to "wait" for him because we don’t plan to meet until we are in our twenties, but when I see boys around me, it’s like they don’t even come close to him. So just going out with them would be wasting time ... wouldn’t it? I’d feel like I was just using them to test the validity of my feelings for my netfriend. I’ve never met him in person and therefore cannot assess how compatible we really are. (I don’t want to base it all on text and jpg’s.)

I also promised myself that he wouldn’t affect my relationships with other people, but he does, and that frightens me! I don’t want to put my life on hold for him! I rilly, rilly, really don’t, but I feel like I can’t help it because I truly believe we are soul mates. It won’t be until another few years before we meet, and I just wish I could have some relationship experience under my belt. (He has lots.) But another thing is, I will only go out with someone worthwhile, and I’m not one to care much about the high school status of being in a relationship, if it’s not based on some real emotions. But I still can’t see myself liking someone as much as him, which also means (I guess) that I won’t have any non-platonic relationships until we actually do meet (and that’s only if we have the chemistry). I know I may very well be setting myself up for the biggest disappointment in my life, and I’m usually more practical than this, but this boy and I have this amazing connection that I can’t/don’t want to ignore. Which is why I need to ask you, BG, how can I rid myself of wanting to wait for someone I’ve never met in person?

--Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Of course IRL boys don’t come close to your netfriend. Unlike them, he -- understandably -- is hovering up there on a cyberspace pedestal with absolutely nothing to bring him down to earth, like spitting. But this really doesn’t have to be an either/or proposition. If there’s no one "worthwhile" on your screen at school right now, fine. But consider what it is that you do love about netboy, besides the bonus -- yep -- of not actually having to deal with rides and curfews and expectations and annoying habits IRL. So what is it? Is he funny? Reliable? Caring? Independent? Insightful? You tell me. And then tell me when you find those traits in some realboy.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Cyberlove (for lack of a less dorky term) is also not necessarily realer than what you’ve got with IRL. When it comes to finding -- and maintaining -- a relationship, cyberspace is a world no more ideal than any other. Yes, meeting someone online can help pare away certain complications and distractions, such as looks, miles, nerves, and spouses (whoops!) But that doesn’t mean you are somehow dealing only with what is pure, with l’essentiel qui est [supposedly] invisible pour les yeux. Souls can’t type. In-person looks -- and, more essentiel, in-person chemistry -- will still matter. Maybe even override. (As Mo recently wrote: "His e-mail communication is great, but in person he turned out to be kind of a shmo.")

But as I told JH: I get tons of letters that say, "S/he isn’t the person I thought s/he was!" ... from people who are talking about actual -- not virtual --romances. So: I wonder if sometimes we point fingers at cyberspace for stuff that goes on -- or would have happened anyway -- In Real Life.

By the way, you should also not assume that the risks of meeting someone on the Internet are higher or more dire than elsewhere. Sure, if you’re a 45/M, it’s easier to pose as a 21/F online than on the street (though certain technology -- call it the Shroud of Turing -- could change that). But look, people find lots of ways to reject, misrepresent themselves and / or exploit others, only some of which involve the Internet. Just follow the same-as-ever safety precautions for your person and your inner person. (Just so BG can sleep tonight, though, teens should click here. Thanks.)

I’d say, if anything, the real risk here is breakneck speed. Perspective: Internet rapport happens fast because the Internet does, not -- necessarily/only -- because your two souls have an inherent T-1 connection. That -- and the inherent communication distillation I mention above -- is why these things can get so intense so quickly. And why they can run their course faster.

Dear Breakup Girl,

I met this incredible guy online. We both liked the same music, books, and he was left-handed ... just like me! We spent two hours online chatting, exchanged e-mail addresses, and became online boyfriend and girlfriend. The problem? That was two weeks ago and I have not heard from him since. Should I give up on finding the perfect guy?

-- Ashley

Dear Ashley,

Rats! But no. Give up on nothing. That was practice. And practice finds perfect.

Love,
Breakup Girl

And that’s why you should do your best to keep things oh, around 56K, max. And also ...

Why you should try take things offline sooner rather than later.

If you are looking online for a RLR (Real Life Relationship), here is BG’s Recommendation (less absolute than a Maxim): use the Internet as a starting point. To meet people who could one day -- soon -- stand before you in flesh and blood, not font and bandwith. A relationship can be ignited -- and enhanced -- by Inter-action, but unless you can deal with the perma-virtual ("Oh, I remember back when we started dating, I was sitting at my computer. Oh, and there was that time early on when I was ... sitting at my computer...") every effort should be made to move it to RL, PDQ. (Especially because if you think waiting by the phone is lame, try waiting by the computer.)

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