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Dear Breakup Girl,

My boyfriend Jesse and I have been dating/living together for four years, and we also have a five-month-old son. I'm very deeply concerned about our future together. I really, really, really love Jesse with all my heart and would like to be married to him. Although Jesse says he wants me to be his wife "someday," it never seems to be the right time for him. There are always bills to pay and things to do that prevent him from being able to pop the question. He says he wants a big wedding with our family and friends present, but bills and luxuries always take precedence over planning a wedding. I don't need a big expensive wedding! I'd marry him anytime, anywhere.

It is just fear of the unknown that is preventing him from going through with the wedding. But I just feel that, especially with our new son in the picture, it is time to complete our family and get married. Coincidentally, both sets of our parents were involved in long term live-in relationships lasting well over twenty years! This kind of environment was a source of great shame and pain for both of us. I do not want this cycle to continue. Our son deserves a "normal," happy life, free of the kind of pain our parents' living arrangement caused us as children. I want to break the cycle and stop "SHACKIN' UP!!!" I want to spend my life with Jesse...married. Is there a way besides an ultimatum that will help Jesse understand how I feel (marry me or get off the pot!)?

-- Gisette

Dear Gisette,

There's probably a whole lot of repeating-the-cycle psychology going on here that I can't even begin to analyze. But while I do know that there are a million reasons -- healthy, not, neutral, and accidental-- why folks have children, this one's got Montel written all over it. Follow that link for the full rant (and pertinent disclaimers), but: what's with people having kids before "commitment?" Aren't they the same? Or actually, isn't a kid even more of a commitment than a "commitment?" 50% of kids don't end in divorce.

So I don't know, Gisette, maybe trying talking about Marriage -- not Weddings -- with Jesse. Tell him what it means to you. Tell him what the difference is. Talk (again?) about your childhoods. Talk about your kid's childhood. Tell him what that means to you.

Or: ask him to marry you, with a date other than someday, and/or an elopement itinerary.

Or: consider that if he does not want any of the above options -- including serious, no-really discussion -- then he is not necessarily someone you want to marry. Consider this your inner ultimatum.

Not to mention: giving him an outer ultimatum would give you a chance to break as many as two cycles. You've given him everything but. I know it takes courage to become a mother. Please use it before you become one again.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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