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Wedding Tour '98

Diary Entry 1

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May 1

Brooklyn, NY In a triumph of "packing light," Breakup Girl decides to take ONLY ONE lipstick and ONLY ONE pair of earrings. The four pairs of shoes, I need. (Come on, I'm going to two weddings, three states -- four if you count the plane connection in Detroit -- plus a whole nother country.)
Up, up, and away!

Somewhere over the midwest. Breakup Girl starts -- and finishes -- her first theme-related book of the trip: Animal Husbandry by Laura Zigman. It's been out for a while, I know, but I just saw The Full Monty, OK? BG has been busy. Anyway, the basic idea is that the main character attempts to explain male behavior based on animal behavior, and -- though it has its moments -- the whole thing turns out a lot like whatever would happen if "Cathy" were on the Discovery Channel.

San Francisco, very briefly. Had to change planes and take the Seattle shuttle from here. It's a frequent flier thing -- you wouldn't understand. Ran into friend J. from college, heading off on vacation with his new wife. He was a freshman when I was a senior. That's all the math we're gonna do.

Seattle. That night, I am fully, giddily thrilled to see my dear, dear friend C. (you'll hear more about/from him later) and his splendid, lovely girlfriend M. in their natural habitat: their new house. Like, a house. There is a lawnmower involved. After dinner, I pop some melatonin and take my place on the couch.

Saturday, May 2

Northwest of Seattle.
C. and I visit the breathtaking bridge-over-a-gorge known as Deception Pass. Known as such because of changeable currents and use as pirate hideout. Popular with hikers and birdwatchers -- ask us about our double bald eagle sighting -- but not so much with honeymooners.

Waiting for the Port Townsend Ferry.
Irrelevant anecdote: We spot two llamas sitting in the the back of a family van. BG is compelled to investigate.

BREAKUP GIRL TO DRIVER: I couldn't help but notice that you have some animals in the back of your van.

Whidbey Island, Washington.
The roadside sign outside a local church announces -- in enormous gas-station-mart letters: WEDDING OF ED AND ELAINE TURDAL, FRIDAY 6 PM. Major photo op, as (a) It is hilarious, and (b) Breakup Mom is always looking for ideas. (In case the pastor comes out and wonders why we are photographing his sign, Breakup Girl develops the following ruse: "My name is also Elaine Turdal!")

Sunday May 3

Seattle's Fish Market. Heaven. Strapping boys in big orange waders literally throw fish to one another as they hustle to fill customer orders. As whole salmon and Dungeness crabs whiz by my ears, I am reminded of the only time I've really ever gone through the actual motions of a wedding (certain preteen Shaun Cassidy-related ceremonies notwithstanding): when I played Carrie in a summer theater version of "Carousel." I got to marry this nice man Mr. Snow -- a fisherman -- whose only fault was an olfactory one. I sang a little song that went, " The first time he kissed me, the whiff of his clothes knocked me flat on the floor of the room / But now that I love him, my heart's in my nose ... and fish is my favorite perfume!" I keep my memories to myself, however -- no fishmonger serenades -- and enjoy a slab of alder-smoked salmon.

which brings us to...
Vancouver, British Columbia. O, Canada! BG just adores our neighbors to the north. Let me count the ways: cute, rhyming money (loonies and toonies) (twonies?); tasty treats such as poutine (fries with gravy and cheese! right on!); cod tongue (a Newfoundland delicacy, when you put it in your mouth, you can pretend you're a cod!), and maple everything; sports that gave us Gretzky and men who sweep (lame yet irresistible curling joke); Nova Scotia, beautiful birth- and work-place of Alexander Graham Bell, who revolutionized/streamlined breakup communication; Anne of Green Gables, who, at one time, was better than boys; memories of meeting a nice Coast Guard boy in a bar in St. John's and actually getting to say, "Hello, sailor?" Oh, I could go on and on. And I will, over the next couple days.

One teeny weeny Breakup Girl failure: Any actual attempt to split up the Leoni-Duchovny marriage would constitute a major violation of BG policy/philosophy. To try to stop David D. from breaking up with Vancouver (original home of The X Files) in order to be with Tea (in LA) would, however, have been fair game. BUT: filming of the final Vancouver episode has already wrapped up; the move has been made.
Just this once, BG was too late.

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