< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >
 

Dear Breakup Girl,

I've been reading your site for months, and I have to say, I appreciate your wisdom as well as your ability to interweave pop-cultural references. So, here I am, throwing you a problem and hoping you might weave in a Buffy reference while solving my dilemma.

A little background: I've been dating this woman (we'll call her G) for about a year. (We're both in our late 20's.) When we met, it had been six months since I'd dated anyone, and a year for her, so the slate was pretty much clean. (Well, it's never clean, but close enough.) The first three or four months were amazing. We connected emotionally, intellectually, and physically, and I thought maybe I'd found the perfect match.

Then, G got nervous. She admitted that she'd never really been close to anyone like this before. Though she'd dated a ton of men, she'd never been "in love," and her behavior took a turn for the incredibly confusing. She started criticizing me, picking fights, and closing off physically, and I assumed she wanted to break up with me (one would think this was a no-brainer), so we took a hiatus. After a few weeks apart, she came roaring back to me, pleading for us to stay together. She admitted that she'd simply been scared at losing her independence and had behaved badly, but that she absolutely loved me and wanted it to work.

Now, things are better (she's opened up to me fully, and it's clear that she's over the fear stretch), but now I'm the one with the problem. The roller coaster ride she took me on spooked me. I believe that G loves me, but our rough stretch made me think that maybe we're not right for each other. I'm much more emotionally available (OK, fine, sensitive) than she is; we have completely different physical needs (she'd be fine with contact once a week, and I'm kind of not); and we're both incredibly stubborn, leading to fights which tend, via her temper, to escalate into personal attacks. She goes ad hominem fast, and she says things that she later deeply regrets, but they still sting.

Plus, there's another thing. I had a little quick one-night fling during our hiatus, and I have to admit that I enjoyed it. I didn't really become sexually active until late (halfway through college), and though I've had a good stretch of girlfriends, I'm not sure I'm ready to be with someone who simply doesn't have the drive I do. I felt like the fling reminded me that physical connection is crucial. I was extremely timid and scrawny when younger, and I couldn't approach a woman to save my life, but now, I have my act together. Now that I'm tall, in good shape, and am extremely well employed, I get more attraction vibes from women than I've ever gotten in my life, and I have to admit, I'm tempted.

But I think I'm using this as an excuse. If I really thought things with G would work out, my eye would not be roving. I'm starting to think that this is an effect of our problems rather than a cause. When I look at G, I see a fabulous, brilliant, lovely human being with whom I connect in a lot of ways, but not in one or two critical ones. I mean, can I really stay with someone who has very different physical and emotional needs from me? I guess my question is this: does one break up with someone whom they like in the short term because of potential long-term incompatibility? Is it better to break up with someone right now when you realize it's not going to work out long term, or should you stay because you enjoy their company? Should I be a nice guy and not dump her right before the holidays, or is that leading her on? We're making New Year's plans and buying Christmas gifts, and I feel like a horrible human being because part of me tells me our relationship is doomed, yet we're about to have warm and tender holiday feelings together.

--Music Boy

Dear Music Boy,

Remember the Halloween episode? The gang got trapped at a frat party haunted by a demon who brought each person's worst fear (besides frat parties) to life. Xander actually became invisible; Willow's magic got out of hand; Oz started werewolfifying on an off-night. Your rough stretch with G, Music Boy, was the Halloween episode of your relationship.

What happened? Fears surfaced; some have clung. Shake them off with some perspective: any, every relationship has a demon or two in the attic. They come with the house. They may stay silent until some wire gets tripped; the first time they rattle their chains is the scariest of all. "We've never fought ... is something wrong?" "After all this time, is this what s/he's really like?" When that happens, you are not necessarily seeing a dark side; you may be seeing, simply, more. Getting to know, not growing apart.

Because "different" and "incompatible" are... different. Take, for example, one happy couple whom I've known since birth (mine). The Dad half is many wonderful things, but he is not a Sharer. Of feelings, I mean, not pie. (Well, not pie either.) The Mom half deals because she has deemed the whole package Worth It. They connect in other ways; he finds her Worth It even though she doesn't bake. What it comes down to: if you truly want to be with this person, differences are differences, not deal-breakers.

Oh, also, it may not "mean anything" that you, God forbid, enjoyed your fling. What, it should have sucked?

Mainly, I want to make sure that you're not freaking out/giving up over something workable/livable with. Because remember what happened at the end of that episode? Buffy goofed and wound up actually summoning the demon in its horrific physical form. Smoke billowed, evil oozed; the end looked seriously nigh. But turned out, when the grotesque beast materialized, he was the size of, oh, Strawberry Shortcake. Giles looked back at the fine print in his tattered demon guide -- and under the tiny drawing, the caption read: "Actual size."

So how do you suss this one out of the corners? Well, have you two talked -- non-sharer though she may be -- about this stuff? Often, just starting a conversation results in all sorts of "You mean you thought ...?! " and "But I assumed you meant...?!" revelations. Excellent start, at least. Don't wander, alone, through separate rooms, guessing at the meaning of bumps and thumps and footsteps. Don't just walk around like the episode last week where no one could speak. Don't pretend, mutely, that everything's Sunnydale while the Hellmouth yawns inside.

All of that said, maybe there is nothing to work out. Maybe the soul of this one has, just because, been sucked out; maybe it's just not gonna Angel its way back, no matter how many "I feel... " statements everyone gamely attempts to make. Maybe, as far as you're concerned, there is no more Work on It. That's fine. That happens. I would understand.

And if you are starting to think that's the case, do you, like, have to end things before the shopping days run out? Maybe, maybe not. Even if you're considering ending things, you are still half the relationship. You have to treat yourself fairly here, too. If you're not ready to speak up, you're not ready. No whine before its time. Really. If you try to close the door before you're ready and as-reconciled-as-you'll-get, it'll keep swinging open and slamming again and keeping both of you up all night, clutching the covers. Which is worse. Sad but sure is better than haunted.

I hope that helps. Whatever happens in your Christmas episode, Music Man, trust that you, like Buff, can know doom -- and still, in its face, find joy.

Love,
Breakup Girl

< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >