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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

Four years ago while doing an internship in a foreign land, I fell in love with a girl in the city where I worked. We spent the entire summer together and did the romantic night walks in Paris and long hikes on Via del Amore in Italy-thing. I went back to school in the States afterwards to finish up my degree and we kept the transoceanic relationship strong and faithful for the entire year, before I found the perfect job in the country where she lives working for a great company. I packed my bags a week after graduation without a regret, leaving all my friends and family from the States behind. Even today I think it was a good choice, despite that my strong feelings for her were the catalyst for the decision.

The relationship developed and matured healthily, and I had no doubt that this was the one. We spent almost every weekend together, because she needed three years to finish her degree in a different city than where I worked, which wasn't really a problem, because it allowed us to develop separate social circles where we could interact outside of the relationship. My job required occasional travel, spending many weeks at a time in foreign countries, where I began having what I regarded as harmless flirts with other women from time to time. These harmless flirts began to localize themselves, as I started seeing other women during the week in the city where I worked, while spending my weekends with my girlfriend. I somehow enjoyed the lightness and excitement that unfortunately comes with affairs, justifying that it was OK as long as no one got hurt, and I was just out to enjoy some of my younger years (It's amazing how well our selfish side can justify almost anything).

This pattern repeated itself several times over the last couple of years. I was never caught from my serious girlfriend (lets call her SG) and the affairs never lasted more than a couple of months, up until about a year ago, when an absolutely gorgeous woman crossed my path. She was about six years younger than I was (I'm 27), less experienced and somewhat naive, but really fun to be around with. Although I was initially just attracted to her physically, I told myself that it was just an affair, and that it would soon end. But that didn't happen. I started becoming comfortable with the life of having SG during the weekend and another fun, physically attractive and athletic girlfriend (lets call her AG) during the week. Not only that, I was developing very strong emotional ties and feelings for AG.

Through many creative and deceptive lies and fictitious business trips (I wasn't proud about lying, I just sort of got used to it) neither SG nor AG found out about the other's existence. Because SG would be done with her studies in 10 months and would be moving in with me afterwards, I always had the DECISION-deadline in the back of my head. I continued spending as much time with AG as possible, the entire time weighing the pros and cons of eventually having a monogamous relationship with one of them (personality, intelligence, attractiveness, sex, maternal qualities, etc.). The entire time I was fully aware though, that this was really wrong, and that I shouldn't be comparing two people as If I were making a decision about which cereal to buy, but the typical male pig that I had become did it anyway.

As the 10-month deadline approached and SG found a job in the city where I work and began preparations to move in, my comfortable world of illusion and my house of lies began to crumble. I gave very feeble attempts to break up with both of them (first AG, then SG) but failed miserably. Inevitably SG moved in to my apartment and a few days later AG (one week before her semester finals) found about SG's existence. (GUYS, YOU WILL ALWAYS GET CAUGHT) After much crying, screaming and yelling, AG said she would forgive me if I told SG the whole story. If I didn't do it, she would tell SG herself. I told her that I couldn't, because SG and myself had sacrificed so much to be together and I wanted to go in the direction of a serious relationship with her. Hurt and betrayed, AG kept her promise and a few days later had a three-hour discussion with SG about the entire 10 months of lies and deception. They took out a calendar, analyzed when I was actually away on business, and which weekends I spent with them and determined that I had seen just about every movie in the past year, and they had seen only half of them. SG of course exploded, threw me out of my apartment and spent an entire week crying, drinking, and smoking (even though she doesn't smoke or drink) and AG failed all of her finals (despite that she is tops in her class and very smart). Everything that could possibly go wrong did, but I didn't realize that it was just starting to get worse.

After much soul searching, begging and pleading on my knees, SG was ready to forgive me and ready to save and rebuild our relationship. Not even thirty seconds after SG said she still loved me and held me in her arms again, I had regrets, and I started thinking about AG, and how much I missed her. The next weekend I packed up some of my belongings and left SG crying on the steps and I moved in with AG (who also was ready to forgive me). Three days later, I regretted my decision and moved back with SG. She forgave me again, I got scared again, and I suggested that I live with a friend for a week so that we could have some time to think about everything. She unwillingly agreed, and after this week of "thinking" (which I used to send over 50 long stem roses to AG, with poems, and songs) I broke it off with SG and moved in with AG. Three wonderful days later (you see where this is going) I had ten messages on my voice mail from SG crying and pleading for me to come back. I went back to SG and left AG, heartbroken and devastated. She sent me a barrage of e-mails, full of hate and sadness, with threats to end her own pain by ending it all for herself.

Three weeks later totally lost, on the verge of depression, regretting not only the decisions I made, but also my inability to make the right decision and thereby hurting all involved, I started seeking professional help. I informed SG of my decision to do this, she supported me 100%, and even offered that I live with a guy-friend of mine for a couple of weeks so that I could attempt to find my bearings. However during the two weeks of therapy, I made several desperate attempts to win AG back (again). AG feels hurt, scared and used, and is trying to get on with her life and refuses to speak with me (I told you she was smart). Her parents even sat down with me and gave me the ultimatum of breaking absolutely all contact with there only daughter, or risk the uncomfortable consequences of the law for a foreigner in a foreign land.

My problem, Breakup Girl, is that after two weeks of therapy (I had a fairly normal suburbian childhood, no hidden demons or anything), I don't feel any more comfortable about my decisions or what I should do. I do know that I really miss and love AG, and have continuous pangs of regret for having left her three times, but my logical side tells me that I had more than enough opportunities of forgiveness from AG. If it were real love, it would have hit me like a train long ago and I would have made the uncomfortable decision to end my relationship with SG without a doubt. AG is now afraid of me, and of course hates me for all the pain and stress that I gave her, and is trying to rebuild her life by throwing herself back into another relationship (which gives me uncomfortable feelings of rage and regret for my lost chance(s).

On the other hand, SG has accepted my faults, helped me through all of my problems and we have continued to love each other through it all. Despite this almost overabundance of forgiveness and acceptance from SG, I still have doubts and these doubts will create distance which could once again extinguish the passion. If I continue to live with my guy-friend and attempt to ultimately end a four-year loving relationship with a forgiving woman (SG) that really has a chance to make it, I fear that I will once again regret my decision. If we do however, try to make it work, I'm afraid that I'll start distancing myself again, and regret not having finally ended this relationship because it's comfortable and maybe I'm just afraid of being alone. In the end, I feel like I've used the term "love" like a four letter word, and maybe I don't know what "it" is at all. I know you aren't going to tell me which decision to make, but your logical, neutral insights to a lost soul are needed.

--An American Pig in Paris

Dear American Pig,

While I obviously can't endorse l'affaire, I will allow that of course you had trouble deciding between the two. They both sound lovely, if patient and credulous; you probably would have fallen for them in succession if circumstances/consciences had been different. You just had the rare/less savory opporunity to compare and contrast in real time.

But right you are: I'm not going to tell you exactly what to do. Few of us are ever fortunate to have decisions made for us, either in the form of a Breakup Girl edict -- or with the impact of a Eurail train. So don't hold your breath for that, either, AP. It's not necessarily clear or true that "real love" = sudden impact. Especially not when the travel itinerary has been so murky and zigzaggy all along. So please do not tie yourself to the tracks while you wait. It is not all-of-a-sudden going to be clear for you; it never was. You, being human, will always regret and wonder about certain elements of the rue not taken. And you, being busted, will also have to live with a certain amount of guilt. You must make decisions not when those things fade, but even as they flare.

Still, remember: just as one will always have regrets, one will always also have baguettes of memory in their bicycle baskets. It is the worst of times, I know, but you have also had the best. You did mess up, AP, but you can't auto-presume that either relationship would have lasted otherwise. Even if you lose SG over this, you still have ... what you had. You had a great time -- two at once, as a matter of fact. And you still have that clarity -- a memory of it, anyway -- you had when you left home for her after graduation "without a regret." Be realistic here, but also believe in deja vu.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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