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Dear Breakup Girl,

My girlfriend of 6 months and I have not yet broken up, and we're struggling mightily not to. Here's the story so far:

We've been dating for several months now and are very deeply in love. (I'm 28; she's 24. We're not talking 15-year-old "deep love.") We seem to be soul mates. We are exactly alike in 95% of things, and in the other 5%, we actually compliment each other very well. We've talked about spending our lives together, and we are both excited about doing this. I was living at her (parents') house whilst I've been trying to buy a new house. That changed 2 nights ago...

Foolishly, I never told her I was married. Separated, and completely not with my "wife" for a very long time...but married. I don't know why I didn't tell her; I guess I was afraid to lose her. Now I may. The "wife" (for another few months, until the divorce is final) called my cell phone whilst the girlfriend and I were having a meal out. The cell phone was at her house and Dad answered, to be left the message, "Tell him his wife called." Of course tears flowed, accusations were made, and I'm no longer welcome to stay at the house.

The girlfriend and I have talked a few times, and we want to try and patch things up, as we have never been happier than when we're together. It's proving very difficult for her as I've hurt her so badly. How can I rebuild the trust and faith she used to have in me? How can I make her hurt less? What do I do to help this relationship survive?

--Kevin

Dear Kevin,

1. Shoutout to those of you who are "separated and completely not with" each other but not divorced: get on that.

2. Shoutout to those of you whose partners' parents answer their cell phone: what's with that? This whole "tell him his wife called" business reads like a contrived plot device in a Markie Post movie.

To be fair, Kevin, I do get the Don't Tell, Don't Tell factor that was at work here. Like, the more you don't tell her the truth, the more you "can't!" tell her. (Same way, when you haven't returned someone's call or email in forever, you get all, "Well, I can't return it now!") Not saying that's okay, just saying I can see how you could have gotten yourself into this sour pickle.

In any case: how to patch things up? First, continue to hie thy ass to #1. Also, remember the difference between explaining and convincing. You may (should) explain yourself until you are blue in the face; yet this is entirely unrelated to convincing her that you are a sympathetic character who did what seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Forgiveness, such as it is, needn't be attached to agreement. Which is why your blue-in-the-face speeches should include: What I Learned From This Mistake and Why Things Will Be Different From Now On / This Time. And the understanding that as far as the "separated and completely not with" thing goes, she could be nervous that she could be next. And thus the questions -- "How can I rebuild your trust and faith?" "What can I do to help this relationship survive?" -- that you should now be asking her. And whatever her answer is, get on it.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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