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Dear Breakup Girl,

After my friends and I spend a few hours watching kung-fu movies and downing nachos, we start talking about sex. For the past few years, I've been about average in the compare-and-contrast fest, but as the more graphic stories come out, and I've got nothing to add, I'm getting mercilessly, if goodheartedly, teased. Well, the subject changed after a few jokes and comments of the "But you're not as ugly as Will, and Will got laid!" variety, and a few teasing offers of a stud service (did I mention I'm a girl? I'm a girl), but it's still in my head.

I want to be in love the first time. I want him to be a virgin who loves me, too (even if he's not necessarily He, as in, the One). I've never been in love, and I think I'd like to be. Also, I've never had sex, and I KNOW I'd like to. If just half of what I've heard is true...oh, sorry, what was I saying? Oh yeah, the guys say that it's cute the way I want to be in love with the First, and it's proof of my feminine instincts coming out (yeah, whatever), but it's actually quite an annoying complication.

There's a guy I SHOULD be in love with; let's call him Matt 'cause that's his name. He's very sweet, very affectionate (if a bit clingy), and very intelligent. He met with complete approval from the guys when he first started to like me. He has terrible taste in movies--I sat through "You've Got Mail" to give it a chance, but it sucked--and he's a bit older than me. Also a virgin. He's in love with me, cow eyes and music and all, but when I told him I did not want to commit to one person, he said he would do whatever made me happy (told you he was sweet).

But, Breakup Babe, if I was in love with him, I would not have a wandering eye that makes even Bill Clinton look committed, right? I've accepted a few dates and goodnight pecks from a few nice guys, and I'm also seeing Charles, a slightly younger guy who has amazing brown eyes, a brilliant worldview, and quick sense of humor, not to mention this weird effect on me (causing a goofy smile which leads me to MORE teasing). He and Matt know of each other's existence. There's a guy at work, Paul, who's after me, but, despite his Camaro, I'm not into him. The car is NOT supposed to be hotter than the guy.

What is an 18-year-old-never-been-in-love girl to do? Am I about to go to college with a big "V" hanging above my head? My friends, when I complained about the situation, all said, "You're so screwed! Oh, wait, actually, you're not." I don't mind going to college like this, but who knows when I'll be called in to harness a unicorn or break a warlock's curse? (Jon quoted dozens of Anime movies where only a virgin's kiss/touch/tears could break the spell.) But never in love? I mean, Matt should be perfect, so shouldn't there be some kind of sign, some way I would know if he were the One (like, maybe a lack of interest in other guys i.e. Charles, Paul, et al.)?

--Akane

Dear Akane,

Wanting to be "in love with the first" is not "cute."

If you ask me, it's "ideal." Call me old-fashioned. But you really aren't screwed; no pun. Au contraire. So please don't view leaving the Club as some sort of heroine's quest, nor your "wandering eye" as some sort of dissed-by-Destiny sign. Love -- and sex -- ARE supposed to be hotter than SHOULD.

Love,
Breakup Girl

PS: About whichever guy shows up next, you could also ask The Magic Beach Ball.

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