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Dear Breakup Girl,

It's me, Duderino. I have a predicament, and it is a tough one. You see, about 5 years ago, I had an office affair with a fellow broker sitting next to me, let's call her Fly Girl. We were both single at the time. The affair lasted an intense three months and I broke it off. It was not because we din't get along. The relationship was very good, and I LIKElike her a lot. It was a combination of things: that it was an office romance, that I was working 17 hour/days, and that I was probably being stupid. At the beginning, I also met another girl, let's call her Gigi. I was kinda dating two girls at the same time. (Someone please hit my head with a blunt object). After a couple of months, I thought I better choose one or the other before things started getting rilly rilly serious with either one of them. And I went with Gigi.

Fly Girl took the breakup really well, on the surface, because she was a tough girl. There was no awkward moments at the office, and we maintained a cordial professional relationship and a warm friendship. Over the next two and a half years, FG met a guy and got engaged. Gigi and I got serious, as serious as I could have since the time of Golden Girl.

In the meantime, FG booked a ballroom, bought an apartment with her dude, and went to London to buy a wedding dress. I felt happy for her and my relationship with Gigi was heading toward the either-get-married-or-break-it-up stage. Before we realized it, FG and I were talking to each other about my ambivalence with Gigi and FG's with her upcoming wedding.

Gigi, bless her soul, went behind my back and hooked up with some other dude. I didn't know about it until one of my close friends called and said, "Dude, wassup with that?" It's funny, you know; you are always the last one in town to know about it. I trusted Gigi, whether it was misplaced or not I do not know. Besides, a woman won't go hook up with some other guy if there isn't anything missing in her relationship. We broke up, not entirely painless though. Gigi eventually married the unlucky sod.

FG, after a couple of months of confusion, during which I spent a lot of time listening to her as any friend would, called off the wedding. It was hard for me as an ex-lover and friend, but I kept a respectful distance and offered objective (as much as humanly possible, given our past) suggestions when asked.

After we both became single again, we got together occasionally for drinks. One time the subject of our past came up during our chat, and she mentioned that she was very much in love with me during those three months and that the breakup hurt her a great deal. I felt really guilty about it because I always had, and still have, a soft spot for her. I told her I was very sorry about it and asked her what could I do to make it up to her. And she said that there was nothing that I could do. What was done was done. She said she couldn't see herself being with me again because she didn't want to be hurt again. During the next couple of years I moved myself to the other side of the trading floor just to put a little distance between us in the office. We visited each other's desk from time to time to talk about work. Sometimes she would ask me if I'm dating anyone. For some reason, I didn't ask her the same thing.

Flash forward to a couple of months ago: I moved back to her side of the trading floor, and now I sit across from FG. I have no idea about her love life and neither does she know about mine. But I do notice her ears perk up a little whenever I talk to a woman on the phone. I wonder if my playful conversations with women are misconstrued as having a shall-we-shag-now-or-later kind of attitude. Yesterday, as FG and I were walking to the car park, she suddenly turned around and asked me if I want to go for a drink sometime. She said she wanted to introduce one of her friends to me. I was a little speechless. Truth be told, I still have feelings for her. What kind of feelings, I honestly do not know. Probably a combination of guilt, friendship, LIKEliking her still, the "what if" thing, and a whole bunch of other things that I can't even articulate.

Tough and righteous babe like that doesn't get hurt easily, and I obviously did hurt her. Why would she fix her friend up with an ex-lover, someone whom she was madly in love with at one time? She not like her friend or what? Do women actually do that? Would you do something like that, BG? I was bloody tempted to tell her that I'd rather spend time with her but she already made it clear two years ago that's out of the question. So what should I do? I have not been socially very active since I last wrote, keeping a modest home-work-driving range-home routine. This new development is kind of weird if you ask me. I mean if it was someone else who is doing the blind date fixing I would have said, "Yeah, baby!" But this is FG. This is FG.

Warmest regards.
--El Duderino

Dude!

Welcome back!

Listen buddy, don't think for a heartbeat that "tough girl" and "hurt" are mutually exclusive. 'Tough," even when completely sincere -- as in, not an overcompensation act -- is not "impervious." Confident, Righteous, Self-assured, whatever you want -- they're all human. And hurtable. True "tough" might mean the girl bounces back faster, but that doesn't mean the hurt didn't happen. Not to make you feel bad, seriously; just to make you see Tough Woman/Tender Chick/Fly Girl for a whole, complex, complicated, not-necessarily-programmed-just-one-way person.

Well, the "complicated" part, you're already onto. Why, indeed, would she set you up? Self-torture: the twisted guilty D'oh! version of "I like to watch"? Dude-torture: "If I can't have you, you can't have peace of mind." Generosity: because she knows firsthand that you're a catch ... just not the one for her? Or is a forlorn Plan B: she missed her chance at the next big thing, so she's brokering the next best thing.

Which? I don't know.

Could be all, could be none, could be a little of everything -- which is exactly my point. If your "kind of feelings" for her are complex and changeable and require a lot of commas to describe, why couldn't hers be the same way? I know she said "no" before, but couldn't her feelings have fractaled out since then?

And shouldn't you be asking her that? Isn't it worth at least checking? You're not sure what she wants; you're not sure what you want; she's probably not sure either. But you know one thing for certain, Duderino. This is FG. This is FG.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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