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Dear Breakup Girl,

I have a problem. I recently moved to a new town with my now ex-boyfriend. We had been living together before this, but the move placed us both under a lot of extra tension and we had already been having problems. We ended up getting into a huge fight soon after moving and broke up. Now I don't know what to do. It's a two bedroom apartment so neither one of us can easily afford it on our own. He's going out every night and not coming back in until noon the next day, staying with some girl. He says that although he's attracted to her and she's wonderful, he's just friends with her. I don't know if I believe that, and regardless, it still hurts. We had been dating almost three years. We were both 16 when we started dating and he was my first everything. It hurts to think that he could replace me so quickly.

I don't know anyone here, and he doesn't want to take me along to meet his friends, because "they didn't invite me." He met his friends through work, but everyone I work with is much older than me.

I feel so pathetic, sometimes I cry and cry when he leaves, or beg him just to stay with me for a few hours so I won't be so alone. I don't have anyone that I feel I can talk to, and every time he leaves it hurts. I don't see how I can get over him when I live with him like this. Every morning when I wake up I wonder where he is and if he's coming home. I get more and more depressed each morning as the hours go by and he doesn't show up and he doesn't show up and he doesn't show up.

I've asked him if he would get a roommate so I can get a one bedroom apartment elsewhere. He refused to do that. Finally two days ago I figured out my budget and realized that I could probably just barely manage to afford the apartment by myself. I told him that, and as calmly as possible, explained why I feel that I have to live alone. I asked him if he would please get everything together and move out. He told me no. He won't consider it. It's his place too and I'm making him feel "uncomfortable" in asking that he leave. I was trying to remain calm, but I wanted to start screaming. YOU? I'm making you feel uncomfortable?? You're breaking my heart over and over and over again. And you don't care.

I could just move out, but I don't want to do that to him, since he's less responsible than me financially and probably couldn't afford the place on his own and won't get a roommate. And I don't know what to do. I don't know how I'm supposed to get over him when I still live with him. I don't know how I'm suppose to meet people and make friends. I don't have any idea what to do. Please help.

-- Sara

Dear Sara,

Reasons To Move Out:

(1) "I don't see how I can get over him when I live with him like this." [Source: Sara]

(2) "I could probably just barely manage to afford the apartment by myself." Extrapolation: ergo, a one-bedroom is even more affordable. [Source: Sara/BG]

(3) As nice as things may have been in the past, he is being dealbreakingly bad and mean, and it is beneath one's dignity to stay beneath that roof for one more night than is absolutely necessary. [Source: BG]

Reasons Not to Move Out:

(1)"I don't want to do that to him, since he's less responsible than me financially and probably couldn't afford the place on his own and won't get a roommate." [Source: Sara]

Um, Sara?
HE'LL DEAL.

His current behavior toward you notwithstanding, he is a grownup. He. Will. Deal. Anyway, moving out is not something you do to him; it's something you do for you. I know it's a process -- and God help you if you live in NYC -- but start it. Just start; this in itself will help. Perhaps even in the town where your friends are (again, leaving's not letting him win; that's being wise). When you can, you might also want to start the process of finding a job that not only pays a living wage but also fills your mind and your mornings. I don't want you waiting at home for your boy; I don't want you waiting at home for your life.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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