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SHOUTOUTS:

To M. from Lisa:

You're smothering this woman! Please, if you REALLY value this relationship and this woman, get a grip on yourself and let go of her neck a little, hmmm? You say that you hate the silent treatment she gives you when she's angry at you (e.g., when she doesn't react in the way you want her too when you tell her to get over her father's murder (!!!!!), that you die inside whenever you're having these fights, that you are so incredibly loving and demonstrative but you don't feel like you're getting enough back, that you can't stand that she's going on all these beach trips with her child, etc. Um, SHE'S TRYING TO GET OUT FROM UNDER YOUR VERY HEAVY THUMB! You seem like you may generally be a nice enough person, but you have a classic case of "Honey, I want you to be happy on MY terms." Which, I'm sorry, does NOT coexist with REAL love. That's insecurity talking. You don't care what she really wants nearly as much as you care about sticking to your own obviously very clear ideas of what YOU want out of life, and what YOU feel constitutes a strong relationship and moral correctness, etc. But you cannot, at least not forever, force anyone else to agree with you on all of those points. It's just not possible. And according to your own letter, it seems like the times you feel insecure and worried about the relationship are the times when she shows signs, however vague, of independent thought and does something that doesn't fit with your little game plan. You know what? That's her right! You know what else? If you persist in trying to "reason" her into conforming to your "right-minded" way of thinking whenever these differences come up, she WILL eventually call it quits. Trust me. Been there, done that. And, in case it matters to you, Christians are supposed to try to be tolerant of others (different or not -- that "love thy neighbor" thing, don't you know) and to be loving and caring, NOT self-righteous and controlling, whether unintentionally (i.e., out of insecurity) or intentionally. When you write that you really believe that you are the one with the "sense and proper values," that is definitely self-righteous, no two ways about it. It shows a lack of respect for this person you claim to care so deeply about. What happened to doing unto others as you'd have done unto you? Would you want her to go around saying those things, even anonymously, about you? You know, she MAY think just that! Oooh, scary thought, isn't it? You may not understand everything she thinks and believes, but you can bet your last dollar that SHE doesn't understand everything YOU think and believe, either. And guess what? It's possible for mature people to agree to disagree. If you are not willing to consider that as an option, she will leave eventually, and I for one wouldn't blame her.

and from Jestyr:

I'm sure there will be a deluge of shoutouts to -- or at -- M; here's my little contribution. M. said "One step further: I also believe when you're in a relationship, out of respect for the partner, you shouldn't do things alone (especially in private -- i.e. not out in public) with preexisting friends of the opposite sex. I have no problem with any group event including such friends (i.e. You, the friend, and at least one other person). Do you agree with this?"

No, M., I certainly do not. And I imagine many other readers don't either.

In this modern world, where there are no differences between male and female, what difference does it make what gender your friends are? Do you not trust your lady enough to remain faithful to you with so much temptation around? Do you not trust her friends to keep their hands off her? Or do you merely insist, in a what seems like a somewhat old-fashioned gender bias to me, that you must be the only important male in her life?

Don't flatter yourself, M. And I don't mean that nastily at all, but asking her to give up lots of friendships is really not fair -- and that IS what you're doing. If I'm friends with someone, I don't have to have a chaperone along if we want to do stuff together. I personally would be grossly offended if my boyfriend told me to stop doing stuff with my friends -- all but one of my friends is male. Does that mean of all my friends, I'm only allowed to be alone with the female one? If a man said that to me, I'd be ditching the man and keeping the friends. And I'm betting that 80 or 90 percent of people out there will agree with me. Not that I'm saying you have to change your views, mind you. But you seem to be seeking justification/reassurance that you did the "right" thing. Unfortunately, by modern society's mores, this one point seems a tad old-fashioned.

and from Susan:

M., my husband used to complain of the same kinds of issues that you do, but all it did was drive me further away. We are now divorced (I initiated it), and I am happier, more open and more affectionate than I ever was, now that I am no longer oppressed by his constant demands and expectations. He always told me it was only because he loved me so much, but believe me, it did not feel very loving at all! You say you're not looking for a tit-for-tat thing, but you sure sound like you're keeping score! All this talk about what's "fair" and who's "right or wrong" is very, very dangerous. You have to learn how to love purely, without waiting and watching for what you get in return. Once you stop demanding love, it WILL come. Also, PLEASE get some therapy yourself. Your unrelenting focus on her is a sign that you have major issues of you own that you're avoiding. As long as you keep channeling your anxious energy onto her, you WILL drive her away. You must get off her back and start looking at yourself!

To Erica from KAT:

Two things. First: Make sure you are safe. If you are a teenager, tell your parents or some other trusted adult what happened. If you are older, you may consider telling a friend. Just so someone you trust is aware of the situation. Don't talk to him or see him if possible. If he threatens you again, let him know that this will not be tolerated and he has to leave you alone. Second: Don't let this guy make you afraid. Do what needs to be done to protect yourself but realize that living with fear is no fun. Sometimes guys like this actually get some sick cheap thrill out of making women afraid. Keep yourself safe but don't let him or anyone else push you around.

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