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Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been dating a wonderful girl for 5 months. My one problem is that her past sexual experiences bother me very much. We are both 25 years old and she has had sex with 12 guys other than myself. I tell myself that this is an immature feeling derived from some stupid insecurity. It is also hypocritical because I have slept with 30 women myself. I guess the problem is that my view of a "good" girl is one that has had sex with only a few guys. We have talked about it several time and each time I make her feel bad. All of her experiences were with people she had been dating to different degrees but it still makes me sick. I want to make things work and I just want to bury these feelings. I also do not want to make her feel bad again.

-- Pete

Dear Pete,

My, my. You've painted yourself into a bit of a corner, haven't you? With a particularly dark shade of Double Standards.

I guess I can spare you the obvious lecture; you've said much of it yourself. Also the one about HOW YOU GUYS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO ASK EACH OTHER THESE QUESTIONS IN THE FIRST PLACE. Whose business is that? I've said it before, I'll say it again: don't create some false gold standard of full disclosure and ask each other more than you really want to know. The answer will likely be: more than you really wanted to know.

Whoops, guess I didn't spare you that lecture.

Anyway, look. I know it's hard for all of us to think about our partners' pasts, even without running the numbers. The whole "How dare you be with someone else before you even knew I existed?!" thing. Add to that the fact that Actual Research (as opposed to John Gray) has shown that men in particular freak in particular over the thought of their chattel, I mean women, having actual sex with previous people.

So I understand the visceral part of your reaction, regardless of the itty bitty hypocrisy factor. The best way to "bury" those feelings is to put them in a context, give yourself a new perspective for them. So here's the aforesaid corner, which perhaps I can scare you straight out of: Go on like this, Pete, and YOU WILL NEVER HAVE A GIRLFRIEND. Find that "good girl" (not that you're planning to leave this one, but just for the sake of argument), mention the number 30 (or 31) (maybe even 32) (not that you should mention it in the first place, but just for the sake of argument), and she'll be outtie. You'll be "not her type." I'm not trying to threaten you; I'm just trying to show you how you've fixed it, in your mind, so that you never actually have to settle down. Which would explain the number 30. Which, by the way, you feel bad about yourself. If she's that wonderful, quit taking it out on her.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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