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Dear Breakup Girl,

I started dating a guy nearly two years ago long distance. He came to visit nearly every weekend, but wouldn't let me know until the last minute if he was coming into town that weekend. This made it hard to make weekend plans, as he would never meet any of my friends (so if I had made plans I either had to break them for him, or not be a slime and go out with my friends, in which case he'd get whiney). He insisted he only cared to talk about "music and art" (specific music and art)and to this day has never revealed any emotional confidences, or a shred of internal life. He doesn't believe in such things (self reflection, I guess)

He uses racist language and crude sexual remarks even though he's a real liberal, educated and massively intelligent guy (he uses that intelligence as an excuse to be rude and an eccentric). He does the old, I'm not racist I talk like this to frown on the p.c.'ers. Still, it's hard to listen to.

He needs a lot of time to "study" (though he's not a student anymore. It's self taught. he's teaching himself dead languages). We went on a trip to visit one of my dearest friends and he was openly rude. Maybe due to shyness. But still. It was hurtful.

Then, he moved away to a major metropolitan area I'd been planning to move to in one year. I missed him when he wasn't there, even though he was controlling. Not necessarily of me, but of himself, which by necessity controlled me. He didn't want to eat in restaurants because the music or the light level or the conversations around him bothered him. And he bitched and ranted about it. We had to take all food home. He works up righteous anger over the craziest things, like people eating in the train, then expounds on it at length for 30 minutes in a barely stopping for air tirade. He's right, he never gets angry at me. But I can't sit and listen to this every night. It's either Clinton or public transportation or the gripe du jour, but it's never a back and forth conversation.

When we walk somewhere we have to walk at his very fast pace and he bitches when I want to browse or walk normally. He hustles me to keep up. He never goes out at night (he wants to study) so I am always on my own. I am a social person and I don't think it's too much to ask to see a movie or go out to eat. (I've sinced moved to the metropolitan area he lives in...I flew to visit a few times during the year we were apart and when I moved here I stayed with him until I found a place).

He won't make plans. If I say will you do this and such with me on Friday at this and such time he'll say I don't know I might be busy, ask me later. Needless to say, I quit asking and this makes him upset.

He barely leaves his apartment. I always have to go over there. He'll frequently phone and say, come over right now for pizza because I have a free moment and this is the only time I can see you all weekend because I'll be very busy..studying.

This is making me sick and hurt and crazy. I know it's time to leave. So why can't I do it? He can be sweet and nice, also, and, as a surprise to me, doesn't want to break up and that's making me feel terribly guilty. Why would he want to stay with me and sometimes acts like a hurt little boy and is very sad. Conversely, he has honestly told me our relationship would be okay if I learned the special ways to treat him due to his eccentric personality. He has also told me I'm cold and unaffectionate, which ever single guy I've dated save one has told me.

How do I deal with the guilt and the sadness of missing him, a person I knew so well and now will never see again? Should I try to salvage a friendship?

-- Another chick in a bad relationship

Dear Another,

Why can't you? Well, people don't leave people who humiliate them on international television, never mind on a train. I won't say it's wise, but I will say it's human.

Cold and unaffectionate? Maybe because you keep dating guys who tell you to walk faster. I'd be crabby.

Friendship? You don't have one now.

Guilt and sadness? Yes, indeed. They are painful and hellish. And appropriate. All part of Normal Breakup Aftermath. As is wondering, "How will I ever find anyone as wonderful as s/he was?" You don't have that problem.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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