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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

Having two sisters and lots of women friends, I naturally gravitate toward women for relationship advice. Could I have your thoughts on a friend of mine? I met her in the summer and we became very good friends. Yes, I was attracted to her, but I was also attracted to her as a person, and I did, indeed, sense special friendship possiblities there, and we did become good friends. She's intensely private, and has personal issues from her past which I have promised to keep secret, and will even in a post like this, but she started to open up to me and trust me, and I found this flattering because I believe trust and openness are valuable in a close friendship, as well as in a relationship as the word is construed in a forum such as this.

She has always been kind of obsessed with the idea that I am after her body (or as she puts it, that I want more than she can give), and she set her limits early on. I agreed with those limits, admitted that I was attracted to her, but that I wanted her as a friend. And it was and is true. And yes, there are undercurrents of attraction -- I would never deny that. Nevertheless, as I mentioned, we became like buddies. Did lots of Southern California outdoor activities together, meals, concerts, movies, talks of hopes and dreams, the usual stuff good friends do. She told me a lot about her relationships and how she felt that men took advantage of her. Part of me took this as a reminder that I was not to cross the line, which I have not. I have never looked at her provocatively, touched her provocatively, or said suggestive or provocative things to her. She is very pretty, and we spent a lot of time in the summer at the ocean. I had zillions of opportunities to check out her bod or sneak a glance as she got into her wetsuit and so on -- and I never did.

The point is not to be sanctimonious. The point is that I respected her boundaries and did not want to be tempted to cross the line and break my promise with her. She had a job she hated, and most of our time was spent talking about that and the perpetual "why can't I find something that I like" question. I was self-employed and going through some tough times, too, though any conversations about that always shifted to her own situation, and I was very supportive. After nearly seven years of trying to make a name for myself, I was offered a position with a prestitigious start-up business in August. Around the same time, she quit her job. She became more obsessed with her personal situation, understandably, and I was very supportive of her. It should be mentioned that she had a problem with a previous employer and she asked me for help in that regard at the beginning of our friendship. I am now and have been helping her with that situation and one arising out of the job I mentioned she just quit.

Anyway, I have been the loyal friend. I have taken her to top-name concerts with perfect seats. I have taken her to great restaurants. I have introduced her to new activities. I have taken her to Hollywood to meet famous people I know. I have introduced her to new places and things. I have brought food to her when she said she was out. I have held her in my arms while she cried about things that she never really told me enough about to understand. But I listened, and I was there for her. Then, without warning (perhaps there were signs, but I did not see them), she began to withdraw from me and even throw verbal jabs at me. One day, on the way back from a horse riding lesson (which I introduced her to and usually paid for), she suddenly put her arms in front of her in the "whoa" position and said, "I have decided that when I feel someone is invading my space or getting too close to me, I'm just going to put up my hands and say,"Whoa." She was very agitated. I said, "And you think I am invading your! space?" And she said yes.

Once at the stable she heard me talking to the trainer about the various kinds of saddles. She rode up and bitingly said, "Do they have any Mercedes-Benz saddles?" Where that came from, I can't imagine. I do drive an M-B, as do thousands of other folks around here, but that comment came out of the blue. More than once, while I was talking with the trainer and getting advice while watching another person's lesson, she would come up to us and abruptly say, "I have to leave." If I asked why, I was told simply that she had to leave. And if I persisted, she would say, "I have things to do/have to be somewhere/personal things." Never any concrete reason. Once she said she could not attend a certain Saturday lesson because she had to work. I had the responsibility of reviewing her employee handbook and contract and knew that the company did not work on Saturdays. Often, while doing things, she would suddenly have to leave citing work meetings. I asked if she got paid overtime. She said "no." I was testing, frankly, because I knew that the company did not work outside of the typical M-F pattern and did not pay overtime.

Once I stayed late at the office so she could come and review some things after work. She was over an hour late. I had other things to do, but it was no big deal in and of itself. When she arrived, she said she had a business meeting. She was not dressed for a business meeting. I had her over to my place and we were going over the paperwork for one of the employer disputes she has. She was in sales and one employer refused to reimburse her for business expenses (among other things). I had to go through her phone bills to separate business and personal calls and had some of the personal numbers written on a note pad so that I would recognize them while going through the records. She took that note page and ripped it up into confetti-sized pieces and put them in her pocket. A trash can was right behind her. I did not say anything, but thought "That was weird!" Since the end of October, I have only seen her for business reasons. She made it clear that she needed her space, so I have not invaded it. I still have to deal with her business matters. I have written several letters asking what has happened with our friendship and giving her chances to take the initiative and open up to me, but she never has. When she was away for a week in the summer, she asked me to look over her apartment and water her plants and feed her cat, all which I did very well. When she was gone for Christmas I offered to do the same. She did not accept and boarded the cat. I had a recent phone conversation with her where I mentioned that I thought it was weird that she has suddenly shut me out and wondering about the state of our friendship and telling her I would drop it if she wanted, and that I was confused. She just said, "It has nothing to do with our friendship. I've just been taking care of business. I've had had to look for a job and so on." And so it goes, ad infinitum. Lest you think I'm a total doofus (maybe I am, in this case), my perspective has been one of loyalty and frank hurt, because I do value what I have lost, and, even more pointedly, total confusion ... So what do you think? The same thing I do? A boyfriend? Well, if that's the case, what's the big secret? Yes, I was very fond of her, probably overly so, but this is just plain weird. I guess I'm somewhat insecure about my own role in all this. Aside from the obvious fact of getting involved with her in the first place, did I do anything wrong here? If my "boyfriend" theory is true, and if you reached the same conclusion (maybe you think something else), how does that require the breaking of a friendship? This involves matters that are not something your average guy is versed in. I respect the fact that women are the real "relationship experts," and would appreciate your thoughts.

-- CH

Dear CH,

Whoa!

If women are the real relationship experts, then how do you explain ...her?

You know, CH, I have no clue what's going on with her. A boyfriend? Maybe. But her behavior, as you describe it, strikes me as more eccentric/erratic and hunted/haunted than it is sneaky. I mean, about the Mercedes saddle? What is that? She is allowed to be taken to fun fab places in a Mercedes, or to make bizarre snide remarks about them, not both.

Anyway, you have more information -- about her past, which I believe to be more relevant than her present -- than I do. Which may very well be: more information than you need. Meaning: these are not matters your average non-professional is versed in.

But see, as painful and odd and unfinished as this "breakup" may be, I think the real -- or, well, the only productive -- place for you to find the truth is: in that guy in the saddle of your Mercedes. Yes, I know that it is lovely and thrilling to be relied upon and confided in. Oh, yes. But what were you getting out of this friendship/relationship/whatever, besides being the knight in chrome/black tie? I mean, you did fun fab things, but were you two having fun, together? In both directions? I mean, serious connection fun. Not just entertainment fun plus lopsided bait and switch maneuvers.You tell me.

And: did you do something wrong? Well, I don't think you did anything to drive her away; I think she would have done that all by herself, no matter what. She was so unpredictable: who knows? I wonder, though, if you harbor, somewhere, this odd ideal of us gals as lofty keepers of oblique wisdom and knowledge. Which is why you were drawn to her, and why you cut her so much slack for being a spaz. I'm not sure about this, but maybe? If so, you might need to figure out a way to relate to women as normal fallible folks. And get some more guy friends.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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