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Dear Breakup Girl,

I'm 16 years old and i am facing one of the most difficult problems that I will ever encounter.

I'm dating a guy that my parents don't approve of, but it's not that he's not a great guy or that he doesn't treat me right or that he uses me. The reason that my parents forbid me from seeing him is simply because of the fact that he's black and I'm white. I completely disagree with my parents because all that I am worried about is the fact that he treats me right and doesn't betray my trust and he never has. I care about him more than I have EVER cared about anyone. He makes me happy and I am extremely embarrased at my parents' ignorance. I go to school with this guy and this is the only way that I get to see him.

The way that they found out about our relationship is that they tapped my phone line. They had told me before that I was not allowed to talk to him, but I disobeyed them because the rule they laid down was not based on good judgment. They say that they're doing what's best for me, but they don't know because they don't even make the effort to understand what is going on in my head or in my heart. I REALLY care about this guy and he told me that he was going to wait as long as it takes for my parent's to understand because I am the only person that he wants to be with. I almost feel that I love him and this is not a term that I use loosely. Love scares me, but this is different.

At the beginning, even my best friend disapproved of my relationship, but now that she sees how happy that I am, she just wants me to be happy. My cousins also used to disapprove of my relationship, but even they are beginning to understand what I have with this guy. My mom's parents would probably have a heart attack if they found out that I was dating this guy, and my dad was born and raised in Germany (At this time there were NO black people in Germany) and there was a time that I was racist, too (please don't hold this against me) but this was only because that is what I learned from my parents, but I have made my own decision now and my parents can't accept it.

I really want to be with him. He makes me happy, I get along with his family, my peers have no problem with my decision, but I can't live with my parents.

SOMEONE, please help me. I can't live with this kind of burden. I don't know who to turn to for help. Thank you for reading this.

-- Un-Agreed

Dear Un-Agreed,

According to breakupgirl.net's Official Someone Else's Mom, Belleruth, "when you've got parents that invasive and dogmatic, it's hard to separate out the issues. Their tapping your phone is definitely rather vile. As for your actual relationship, well, you could be in love and you two could be Couple of the Year. On the other hand, your job as an adolescent is to separate from your parents and figure out where you stand vs. where they do. This deliciously subversive interracial romance is a very convenient and compelling playing field to toss around those little identity matters.

So, I'd say from the romance relationship side of things, it's best to do nothing. I would not say this if it appeared that you were keeping things secret because he was a Bad Guy, but: keep seeing him on the sly, if you can stand it [how COOL is Belleruth!? -- BG]. Don't make it a live issue with the 'rents, so you can do your best to figure out how good and real this relationship actually is. But still, keep in mind that the issues will be tinged and confused by the whole Romeo and Juliet melodrama of sneaking around, which always adds fuel to lust. My feeling is that sooner or later this relationship will resolve itself, one way or the other. Even though the parental disapproval is very painful and frustrating for you.

And while we're on the subject, I'd say that the stickier problem here is, in fact, your relationship with them. Never mind their bigotry, the way they deal with you seems to be pretty off the wall bad news. How unthinkable would it be to try to haul them into a family service agency? Or at least for you to talk to another grownup who will listen to your voice, live, in person, not to your private conversations -- ? Think about that."

Love,
BR and BG

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