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Dear Breakup Girl,

My fiance turned out not to be the perfect husband material. Drinking, abusive and the list goes on. The relationship ended shall we say, in a very violent fashion and I was forced to go back to Australia a very unhappy single woman. He also stole alot of money from me which I didn't become aware of till later. It is a year ago and 3 weeks now that this all happened and I am still struggling to get my life back together. Coming back home was a struggle firstly because to everyone I was so happy and life couldn't have been more perfect, then the next minute I am back home very unhappy and not telling people of what had happened. I am still not very comfortable talking about it although I have told a few friends, but not really any of the gory details. I am embarrassed I guess that I could have let this happen to me at all.

Now, I have turned on the world. Every guy is a bastard and I want nothing to do with them at all. I have only been with 3 guys since the breakup with the finance and even those, I didn't enjoy the experience at all. I fell like I am never going to be able to trust a man again, and I have turned into a male hater. I think that they are all out to rip me off, and are only after one thing, sex! I know that is a gross generalization I know but that is the way I think now. I have been approached by so many guys in the last year and now is when I want them to all just leave me the hell alone.

But now after being alone for a while, I am wondering if I am going to feel like this for the rest of my life, and if that is the case, I will be that miserable old spinster woman, and I don't think that is what I want.

So my question is really, will I even be able to function normally in a relationship with a man, emotionally and physically because right now it is impossible for me to get involved either way. When the ex was drunk he would often come home late at night and rape me, so I am very uncomfortable having sex with men. The last relationship I TRIED to get into failed because I could never have sex with the guy and he thought I was hiding something. Yes I was hiding something! The fact that I connect sex with violence not with love and happiness.

So that is it in a nutshell, but I am just feeling like I am totally screwed up in the head and that I am going to end up in the nuthouse if I don't get over these problems soon. And there have been times when I have felt so alone that I just wanted to end it all! But I really want to get on with my life and in the last week I decided that instead of being bitter about the whole thing, try to get on with my life, but I am not doing to well so far. I would appreciate your advice, as I am not really good with talking face to face with people about this I prefer to write it all down that way I won't break down and lose it completely.

-- SJ

Dear SJ,

Good decision; Belleruth is here to help you stick to it. Along with everything else, she says, "You're suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. Given whatever happened, you're having a 'normal' reaction. The good news is: this means you're not a hopeless masochist. You do, yay, want to avoid pain and not make seeking out more icko fiances your life's work. This is good. But you need to figure out why you stayed with this dude longer than 5 minutes. If it had to do with pride and not wanting to go home, you should look at that, too: bad exchange, pride for pain. Who were you proving what to? Meantime, now, if every guy wants to jump your bones -- or if you just think they do -- there's something funny there, too. Instead, you could try to make friends with a guy as a pal. No sex. Just getting to know a guy as a friend could help. But the main thing is, yes, you're gonna have to talk to someone face to face (are there secrets you're keeping here, SJ?); I don't count. But I do recommend someone like me: a woman, kind but tough, preferably older." Once again: writing is an excellent, excellent start. So is clicking here. Be strong. You're already on your way back home. Again.

Love,
BR/BG

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