And this week, (d) in which BG just didn't go through and put in all the capital letters. No, there's no auto-change-case command. Sorry.

Dear Breakup Girl,

ok...this is about the culmination of a 5 year relationship which began as friends and has ended, as, well, total and complete strangers. years ago i met a writer and it was absolute thunderbolts the night we met. i never really believed in the whole "soulmate" thing until i met this guy. he's a writer. we were friends for about a year before he told me (before ever kissing me, btw) that he was in love with me. i felt the same. that was the beginning.

he's the classic, manic-depressive, potsmoking, anti-social, type. anyway, last year he got an actual J-O-B in an office and began to completely deteriorate. i see it a lot more clearly now (after HUGE amounts of therapy!) that his limited ability to relate to people was strained by the fact that he had to have constant contact with other people. as a typical sociopath, though he is quite charming and funny (hell, he makes a living at it), i was the only person he was ever able to vent his true emotions to. over the course of the last 6 months of the relationship he told me he hated everyone in his life and was sick of them, even his best friend and writing partner. it's like he was completely detaching. no one else knew his true feelings, but me. the first warning signal came on when his cat of many years died while i was away on business. i called him crying when i got the message and he yelled at me for over an hour. i attributed it to an inability to handle such a tragic thing.

his verbal abuse continued and escalated over the last six months. it culminated when we were attending a work-related party together and he pulled me out of the party, only to be interrupted by a friend of his who introduced him to a very attractive girl. after dragging me away from my friends, he sat there and blatantly flirted with her in front of me without once introducing me for at least 15 minutes. he said bye to her and proceeded to walk out. i had to FOLLO him out of the party after that. i had never been so humiliated in my life. but the worst was yet to come. when we got outside i asked him never to make me follow him out of a room like that again. he proceeded to berate me and lunged at me shouting at the top of his lungs right into my face. if someone hadn't walked by. i don't know what would have happened.

i didn't want to leave him. i wanted him to get help. though i was falling out of love with him quickly. we had a very long relationship which i felt was based more on friendship than anything and i knew that i was the only person privy to his mental problems and that i couldn't tell anyone about his abusive behavior, because it might harm his career. i didn't even want to tell his best friend.

anyway, it got to the point that my own employees wouldn't allow him to call me at the office, because it would always end with me in a puddle of tears. i'm a pretty strong gal and that was really shocking to them. then he would send me some present or stuffed animal by messenger. classic abuser right?

he wasn't always this way. he changed. dramatically.

here's the problem, we broke up one night after he went completely mental on me, we agreed it was best and cried alot. he said we could still be friends that it would be too strange to not have some connection. needless to say, he completely excised me from his life. not only that, but made life quite uncomfortable for me with other friends of mine in the business. it seems that everybody knew more about what was on his mind but me and nobody had any idea about the real story behind our breakup. they all think he's mr. popularity and, given the circumstances, i wasn't sure if anyone would care or understand. i was ostracized by a number of people whom i thought really liked me. since i thought we were going to be civil. i was really confused and upset.

so, are you ready for this twist? during this whole time, i was experiencing some serious health problems. and i was basically living with a possibly cancer, won't know till we operate diagnosis from my dr. they had been watching me for months and my ex knew it. they finally had enough test results to have some idea. i really didn't want to share this very private and sensitive information with anyone especially in light of all the horrible things i was experiencing. meanwhile, my ex starts using his online column to pull chicks asking for sexual fantasies and gifs. some of my friends pointed it out to me. another humiliating moment.

ok...so during all this i start seeing a shrink a couple times a week, just to have someone to talk to about it. i'm not only being rejected by the love of my life and best friend of 5 years, but people who i thought were my friends and i have to have surgery for what my dr. believes is cancer. this was a bit much...even for me. then, like an idiot, i actually call him to tell him about this serious health thing, because i started feeling weird for NOT telling him and i didn't want him to hear from someone else. guess what? he told me not to get better for him and yelled at me about how he was going to die too. i thought for sure i was going to lose it

so, i guess what i wanted to ask you was this. i'm sick of the secrets and of me having to be the victim and the one who's excised. i've started being honest about it and stopped protecting him. is that ok? i don't have any experience to draw from on this one. i already feel healthier and like it's helping me get over this horrible thing and helping me concentrate on my health issues by being open about this. normally, i would never violate his trust. but, obviously, he doesn't care if i live or die and i need to do whatever i can to move on and be healthy. thank you for your insight!

-- working overtime to maintain my dignity and sanity

Dear Working,

Our very own Actual Professional Belleruth says that the key word here is, indeed, working. That is: "You should do whatever is professionally clean and straight up. You shouldn't compromise your professional integrity-- anymore than you already have, taking his calls at work and letting him work on destroying you at your own desk -- by trashing him to everyone you talk to. They probably already know what a creep -- never mind totally insane, if not actually a cocaine addict -- he is, the ones that count, anyway. And you should ask them to stop reporting to you about him, unless he's directly compromising your career in some way. Continuing to talk about him, even to the point of wondering how you're doing about the whole thing, just keeps you involved with him. The longer you're away from him -- the longer you're immersed, undistracted, in what sounds like a solid, great job -- the better you'll feel. And the harder you'll work at ... work. Not to mention your health."

Love,
BR / BG

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