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Dear Breakup Girl,

Oh my, where to start? Well, I just turned 24-years old. I weight 263 lbs. (down from 275 at least), I've never had a date in my entire life. Never had a boyfriend. I've kissed one person during a random hook-up, but I didn't really like him/enjoy it. I'm down with the backlash against the diet conspiracy/starved models, but I don't think my look will ever be in fashion. You see, I think I could squeeze into a B cup if I wanted, because I carry all my weight in my butt and stomach!!!! This is a true curse, and I've never seen anyone as deformed as me. I am in therapy, and of course the Doc would say that I'm being overly negative. But when you're 24 and have never been asked out on a date, you feel the need to evaluate things...every day!

I always think, just lose the weight, it will make everything better. But I have this thing..Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and the accompanying Syndrome X (Central Obesity), so I know that genetically, physiologically, the odds are really stacked against me in that endeavour. But I still try. I've started running, but I realize that I need to try to accept the possibility that I may always be above the insurance chart weights. I think I'd be okay with that if I were better proportioned, but anyway. The thing I can't deal with is that I'll always be alone. I've been passed up again and again by men who were close to me and even loved me (in some other way???). To make it worse, they usually opt for a close female friend of mine, or even my younger, thinner sister (she rejects these guys on principle, which just makes me feel guilty) I know I've totally strayed from the point...

I'd rather not meet a guy on the internet or through classifieds. This is not a problem of not meeting enough people. I'm extremely popular and social and fun at parties. [I'm told] I have a very sexy singing voice, and I am on the verge of becoming a professional singer/chartwriter. Also, there's no way around the fact that I have "such a pretty face." I'm not trying to be snooty, just trying to offset how pathetic I sounded at the beginning of this message ... I'm not a loser, I have a life, sort of, I've just never had a boyfriend or known of a guy who had any feelings for me other than friendship or some weird wanting-to-be-just-like-me complex. My friends act surprised when I tell them, no one, never, blank slate, but I wonder if they really are... If I have the scarlet letter, why do I have so many friends?

Anyway, I don't know what I'm asking here anymore. On and off for the past 2 years, I've had this crush on a guy who is now 16. I can imagine what your advice on that situation will be... I look at it from the outside and I think, how crazy!? and unlike me, really, I mean I've fallen for younger guys, but never THAT young!? Has my brain been fried with rejection and loneliness? Is it possible that I so bitterly regret not having had ANY male attention throughout my entire youth, that I'm reverting back to a high school guy even though I've finished college? Then sometimes I think, well, he's not your ordinary sixteen year-old, we have a lot in common (he's a pro musician, as well), he obviously looks up to me (he's astoundingly musically talented for his age, and musicianship is always the #1 turn-on for me). Of course, my good friend says, that he's unattainable, and I'm afraid of relationships so that's why I like him (of course, he doesn't know this). If I hear "fear of intimacy" one more time, I'll puke. We've been talking about it in therapy for 2 years, and nothing's happening. I'm reading, changing, and really improving my life in other ways (organization, life skills, music career), but still no one thinks I'm worth their while. By the way, and I hate to corner you, but please don't say, maybe there is someone interested because I, of all people, would certainly have heard of it by now. Also, if you could avoid "it will come," -- ok, never mind, now what can you possibly say? Well, thanks for listening!

-- Dry and Damaged

Dear D&D,

See Lonely and Confused, above. I mean see his letter, not SEEsee him, because he's too young, much like your little music man, but you knew I was going to say that. About him, well, I think I can do this without going Oprah on your ass. When it comes to being attracted to "the wrong" people, I always ask: "Well, what doesn't do it for you about the right people?" And in your case, the answer -- so far -- is: "They don't like me." So. I honestly don't think your crush is a huge deal -- as long as you're not, like, tagging along with him to Matchbox 20 concerts instead of practicing your own stuff, going running, hanging out with friends and at fiestas.

But, as I said to L & C, losing weight/changing proportions may make some things different -- easier, even -- but it will not make them auto-better. (Still, if you haven't already, could you find an expert who could give you some solid data on Syndrome X -- and maybe some ways to manage it? I'd rather you not feel deformed and defeated.) Fortunately, though, as far as the rest of your life is concerned, you have not fallen into that trap called, "My life will really start when ... [I'm thin/happy in my job/out of debt/etc.]." You have: friends, charm, beauty, confidence, a promising and cool career, and a therapist who pipes up once in a while to help keep things on track. And you already know all that. And yet: you're singing torch songs, not requited-love songs. So is something wrong here? Yes. With the universe. Not with you. So the trap to dodge is: "My life will really start when I figure out what's wrong with me." The best you can do, D&D, is to keep doing your best to keep things in tune. Decide for yourself that -- though the right person hasn't heard it yet -- that scarlet letter is a perfect A.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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