< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >
 

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am an overweight 13-year-old. By overweight, I mean REALLY overweight, I weigh 160 pounds.

I kind of went into depression after I lost my first boyfriend and first love because of all this; he dumped me for this girl who looked like a super-model. I just started to eat, as if it would make all my troubles go away.

My Mom decided to try and get me help last year, and the fact that she noticed I was overweight made me even more depressed and I gained another 30 pounds.

I made it my New Year's resolution to stay off of junk food, I figure that that will help me lose about 60 pounds in 12 months, easily. I went 4 days without junk-food, then had a nervous breakdown. I just don't know if I have enough will-power to do that.

-- Ally

Dear Ally,

This is going to sound like bad news, but it's actually good: will power doesn't work. If will power worked, just like that <snap!>, Jenny Craig, Phillip Morris, and Sara Lee would all be in the red.

Why is this good news? Because first of all, sweetie, that means that not having will power is actually will power's fault, not yours. Also, if you believe me that will power doesn't work, you can actually start the process of moving away from the eating habits that are making you unhealthy/unhappy.

See, when Wendy talks about "wearing your issues," above, the distinction to be made is this: it's not "fat" per se that's the issue/problem; it's -- as in your case -- the menu of behaviors and urges and causes and effects that got you there. There's a woman named Geneen Roth who (though BG is not as wild about her as others seem to be) makes a pretty strong, standard case for Food as The Other Boyfriend. Food as comfort. Food as buddy. Food as arm candy. Food as the hottie waiting for you when you get home. The one who didn't dump you.

There's also some funny business in here about the place/space you take up in the world. On the one hand, Ally, you tell me you're "REALLY overweight." On the other, you cringe when your mom "notices." You think you are too large, yet you think no one sees you.

All of the above=why feeling better about yourself is not a just matter of ready, set, diet. So that's not where you should start. Roth writes about one girl who wound up comfortable with her eating/size only after she was "allowed" to eat as many M&Ms as she wanted. She ate tons for about a week, and then the thrill was gone.

So if your mom wants to help, she will find you someone who will help you figure out what your tummy is really growling for. Not someone who'll teach you to tally calories and fear scales, but someone who'll help you draw out what -- who -- is hiding, hungry, inside. You might find some helpful information here. Also, news flash: supermodels live -- barely -- on heroin and cigarettes. You're already in better shape.

Love,
Breakup Girl

PS Your mom might want to try reading Debra Waterhouse's Like Mother, Like Daughter in the meantime. It's a little... pink, but it's pretty good. It could help her figure out how to best help you.

< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >