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Predicament of the Week
In which Breakup Girl addresses the situation that has, this week, brought her the most (a) amusement, (b) relief that it is happening to someone else, and/or (c) proof that she could not possibly be making this stuff up.

Dear Breakup Girl,

Guess what? It's me, The Invisible/Music Man, again. And guess what? I have an actual problem this time. That's right -- no more "oh-I'm-so-lame- I-have-no-self-esteem- and-I-can't-get-a-date-cause- I'm-too-scared-to-ask" letters from me. No sir--er, Ma'am. This is a full blown "darn-it-I-have-a-problem- that-I-don't-quite-know-how-to-fix- and-I'd-really-appreciate-some-help-please- because-soon-I-swear-I'll-go-insane- and-if-you-help-me-just-this-one-last-time- then-I-promise-I'll-never-bug-you-again" letter. Well, okay, maybe the whole "insane" part is a little exaggerated. But just a smidgen.

So. If you'll remember, I was mumbling something about numbers and girls and being shy (man, I didn't realize I dwelt so much on that last one until I re-read what I wrote), and I might have mentioned that I was just a wee bit intimidated by this chick named Girl #2. Then you, as always, returned with some advice that, as Bill and Ted might say, was "most excellent," and I, as is my nature, treasured up all those things and pondered them in my heart. In fact, I *so* pondered them that I began to consider giving it a shot-- that is, I considered confronting Girl #2 and letting her know (tactfully) that I wanted to make wild passionate monkey love to her. Okay, maybe I didn't actually consider that. I mean, I *did*, but not seriously. <Ahem.> Really, though, I began to think about asking her out. But, seeing as how I was still utterly terrified of her, I couldn't quite bring myself to do it. For a while, then, I just thought. I thought and I thought, and, as I continued to think over a period of many weeks, I realized that I was thinking more and more about her and less and less about...well, about everything else. And, at some point, I decided conclusively that I *would* say something to her, because, for one thing, it was just difficult for me to be around her any more. I mean, there were times (i.e., whenever we talked) that I had to consciously restrain myself from leaning over and kissing her, or from blurting out things like "I love you" during the course of normal conversation--because I didn't think either of those things would have been necessarily conducive to a healthy friendship.

By the time Christmas Break came and I had to go home for a month, I already had this plan worked out that would assure me the best results in my little endeavor. And, I know--here I go again with my whole rehearsal/composition complex, but it was nothing elaborate. It involved another person, though--a guy. We'll call him, appropriately, "Guy" (note that "Guy" is not his real name, merely a clever pseudonym that effectively masks his true identity, much like "Girl #X"). Guy is rather important to the story, so I should explain about him. He is another member of our little church college group, and probably one of the people up here that I'm closest to. Plus Guy is also very close to Girl #2--extremely close, in fact. I mean, besides knowing everything about each other and talking to each other all the time, they always do the sort of stuff that I've always considered to be in the general realm of "more-than-friendly," such as giving each other frequent back-rubs and hugs, leaning/lying on one another constantly, etc. (I have been informed by female friends that such activities do *not* exist solely in the realm of "boy-girlfriend"ness and that females have the ability to carry on with such things indefinitely without developing romantic feelings for anybody...but I still believe that, given enough exposure to such treatment, most guys will nearly always misinterpret it as "more-than"--but that's just my opinion, backed up by a lot of circumstantial evidence).

Anyway, Guy and Girl (I'll drop the #2 because Girl #1 won't be making an appearance in this letter) aren't seeing each other. In fact, Guy has been seeing other people on and off as long as I've known him. And since Guy and Girl are so close, I figured that Guy would be a good person to talk to about dating Girl. He, I thought, might be able to tell me, for one thing, if Girl was interested in somebody else, and for another thing, what kind of chances I might have with her. And Guy's cool, y'know? I knew that I could expect an honest, straightforward answer from him. So, essentially, that was my plan--first talk to Guy about it, and then possibly ask a couple of other people in the group that knew Girl fairly well for advice on how to proceed. If, after that, everything seemed okay, I could carefully approach Girl with my feelings. That's how it was *supposed* to work.

And finally, the new semester has started. I've been able to see all my friends again, including Girl and Guy. Unfortunately, I've also hastily decided to carry on with my intentions toward Girl. I shall henceforth explain my misfortune (don't you hate unwarranted stylistic changes in the middle of a paragraph? Don't worry, it's only temporary)...

The other night some friends and I were hanging out together. Included in "some friends" were Guy and Girl, who were carrying on beautifully with their, um, "friendly" activities (as described above). I, as usual, didn't think anything of this, for whatever reason. I suppose I'm just used to seeing them together like that, and I've already decided, due to my own knowledge, that they're uninvolved with each other and that it's all friendly. Nothing really happened during the evening; in fact, it was a rather enjoyable get-together. But afterwards...afterwards, Guy's driving me home (since I don't have a car, I have to bum rides from people--it kind of sucks), and the perfect opportunity arises for me to ask him about Girl. Since I've been putting this whole thing off for a long time, it takes me a minute or so to work up the courage to actually ask. I take a deep breath, hold it until I'm blue, let it out, take another deep breath, and prepare myself. "I have a weird question for you," my voice cracks. And before I can even give Guy time to respond, I plow ahead--I've already gotten this far, I can't back away now. I say, "[Girl] doesn't have a boyfriend, does she?" I look at him, and he shakes his head. "No," he says. Encouraged, I proceed. "And there's nobody that she's, like, interested in...?" "No," Guy interrupts, and stutters, "no, as far as I know. Why?" He has kind of a hard time getting it out, and he's beginning to look a bit uncomfortable. But I don't really think about it. Since he's giving me the answers that I want, I'm completely oblivious to his body language and to any other, you know, *signs* from him. "I'm sure you can guess why," I reply, "I mean, I want to ask her out." He's smiling just a little bit, but it isn't really a happy smile. It's more of a dumb smile. "Oh," he groans, as I continue to speak. "But I'm not sure what she'd say. I'm not sure if it's a good idea." A couple of seconds pass. "What do you mean?" he says. "Well, I mean, I don't want things to get weird between us, you know, depending on her answer." Quickly he understands and nods, saying, "Oh, yeah, I know."

He changes the radio station a few times, we stop at a stop sign, and he yells briefly at a car that is stopped and, incidentally, doesn't have a stop sign. We wait for the car to go and continue in silence. Guy doesn't say anything else. Yet, he still hasn't given me the answers that I want. So by this point I'm starting to...wonder. I'm starting to wonder what he really thinks, what's really going on. He's not being very forthcoming with, "yeah, I think it's a great idea, you two would make such a cute couple," etc. like I very nearly expected. Or, more accurately, like I wanted. Annoyed and desiring to cut right to the chase (if you'll pardon the cliche), I decide to press the issue. "So do you think it's like...a good idea for me to ask her out?" He pauses. The pause only lasts for a second, but it feels infinite--and horrible. I glance over at him. Upon seeing his face, it begins to dawn on me. Something's wrong. And all of those fears that had been piling up in the back of my mind--the ones that I'd been ignoring since my interest in Girl had first been piqued--are creeping into my conscious attention. What Guy says next is little more than a confirmation of that fear. "Well, [insert my name here]," he begins, his tone a bit harsher than normal, "if *I* had to tell you, I'd say no."

Suddenly, I understand; the weight of his statement crushes me, and my world is exponentially more complicated. "Oh," is my only reply. I don't know what else to say; it takes an instant for me to fully realize the implications of the situation. "Oh, my God," I continue, when I can finally speak again,"I'm sorry. I didn't know." Inside, I'm beating myself up. It was something I had considered, you know, that maybe Guy harbored some sort of feelings for Girl. But I had already discounted that possibility a long time ago; I mean, the sole fact that Guy was seeing other people led me to believe that he wasn't interested in a relationship with Girl. And I had conveniently ignored all evidence to the contrary--such as the way that Guy and Girl expressed their affection for each other time and again. How wrong of me, how naive. It had always been so obvious--a classic case of best-friend-worship. I can't believe that I missed it--it's something that I'm so familiar with, something that's happened to me more than once.

Of course, as I'm realizing all of this, Guy is still talking. "Oh, it's okay," he says, in kind of an alarmed, exaggerated tone. "It's no problem. I've always been of the opinion that 'all is fair in love and war.'" But no, that's not right. I can't compete with this guy. I refuse to. Even though he's acting like it's okay for me to ask Girl out, I'm thinking that it would be a complete breach of friend etiquette. I genuinely *like*Guy. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to become his enemy. And, what's worse, I totally understand his situation. He explains a bit more, though, "I just can't believe I've gone this long without asking her out. I had an excuse last year, when she had a boyfriend..." And that solidifies it, to me. He's been in love with her for as long as he's known her (he met her last year), and he wants her, and it's been eating away at him, and he wants to ask her out but he's scared, and I can totally relate, and I know that if I asked her out it would hurt him so much. And suddenly, my chances with Girl are dashed across the sidewalk. I *can't* ask her out. I apologize again. "I'm sorry," I say, "dude, I just didn't know." By now, we're stopped in front of my dorm, and I'm reaching for the seatbelt. I feel stupid, I feel embarrassed, I feel...sick. Guy laughs. "It's okay," he says, "it's cool." I get out of the car. "No hard feelings?" I ask before I shut the door. "No," he replies, still laughing. And as I walk up the steps to my dorm, I just want to cry.

So now I'm here. What am I supposed to do? I'm obviously hurting; I've never been in this kind of situation before. And, as an aside, I'm fully aware that most people would just blow this off, no matter whether they were in my position or in Guy's. It's kind of a simple mistake--I just asked Guy about a girl he happened to like. No big deal. And, as far as I know, that's what Guy thinks, too. That's why he's been so...nice about it. But it's frustrating--Girl doesn't even have a boyfriend, yet I feel like she's totally off limits. And now, even though Guy is my friend and he's apparently cool with all of this, I feel weird around him, and I feel doubly weird around Girl. It's really twisting me up inside. I mean, I saw Girl and talked to her yesterday, and when she was leaving, she gave me a hug. That hug *hurt,* Breakup Girl. It felt good, but it hurt.

In order to resolve this, I know I'm going to have to talk to both Guy and Girl, but to say that's difficult is putting it mildly. My first instinct is to just ignore my feelings, bottle them up, and wait for them to go away. But I just don't know if I could do that--right now, my feelings for Girl are stronger than ever. Discussing it with either one of them, however, might hurt them, and it might hurt my relationship with them. I don't know. I assume that Girl knows nothing of Guy's feelings for her, and if I discuss any of this with her, then it will most likely hurt Guy. I'd rather allow myself to be hurt than to hurt either of them...I mean, how do I spare their feelings? And, to be perfectly honest, I can't stop myself from entertaining the idea that *maybe* I could still ask Girl out, even though I know that I can't. When I think about it, I just feel horribly guilty. Is it wrong to think about this? Should I just try to forget Girl and move on? Sometimes I think that if she just *knew,* then everything would be okay. I feel so unresolved right now.

<sigh> I know that I'm just overly sensitive about this sort of thing, and I know that I'm being melodramatic, but that's just the way my world works. I suppose if it worked any differently, the music that I write would fall pretty flat, and my stories would be kind of dull. I hope I didn't bore you with the petty details of this ordeal. And I know I'm pretty lucky compared to lot of people...I mean, I'm not in love with a girl 11 years younger than me (eww), I'm not on trial for lying about having had an affair with any of my interns (not that I have interns), and I'm not pregnant or anything (God, I hope not). But still. <sigh> again...You know, today I was listening to the radio, and anytime some cheesy love song came on it either made me want to puke or it made me want to cry. So I said to myself, "self, it's time to write to Breakup Girl."

-- Invisible/Music/Whatever Man

P.S. Thanks so much for your last response. Not only was it awesome and amusing, but it was most wise, as well.

Dear Invisible/Music/Whatever Man,

Excellent start. Now say to yourself, "Self, there's nothing to resolve." Kinda hard, right? Like when the Fonz (who, for some reason, keeps appearing in my responses to you) can't say, "I was w-- ... I was wr-- ... I was wro-- ...". But there isn't. I'm just not giving you a flip "get over it," Music Man. I know you feel like this crashing diminished 7th chord just sounded and you've got to get back to the tonic, but maybe that is the teeth-rattling end (like the infuriating last chord in "Against All Odds," which you probably just heard on the radio, and which never resolves, either).

I mean, look. You wrote this mighty missive RIGHT AFTER the Car Talk. No wonder you're freaking. You were safe in your own jittery little fantasy world with Girl #2, until: Hey, Kool-Aid!...enter this fourth-wall-breaking intruder with great hands and his own wheels. An arch-rival reality check.

But that doesn't mean there is anything for you to do about this right now. Or ever. Saying anything to Guy and Girl -- like what, anyway? -- will merely perpetuate the -- your -- drama. Which is what you do. But with all due respect, I can practically guarantee that you are thinking about this more than Guy is right now. And who knows what Girl's thinking. Except maybe, "Oooh, there's a knot in my shoulder."

Then again, buddy, I'm still not convinced that you're not allowed to make your move. It's not the most delicate, uncomplicated set of circumstances, but hey, hugs are not rings and advice (Guy's) is not law. I'm just saying. (And let this be a public service announcement to women-in-waiting: sometimes he doesn't ask you out because he doesn't like you. But sometimes he doesn't ask you out because he doesn't like you, he LOVES you. Sometimes, yes, some encouragement -- beyond the back rub -- may be warranted.) But I bet you're about to put the final kibosh on that plan, simply because now, if you do get up the gumption to ask her out, you're (a) somehow more sure than ever that she'd say no, and (b) pretty much kissing your rides home goodbye.

So where does that leave you and your feelings? News flash: somewhere between announcing them to others and, as you say, bottling them up. Ignoring and suppressing feelings is not the same thing as just having them. Noticing them. Saying to them: "Oh, hi." Rolling them around in your hand like marbles. Seeing why they make sense, why they've got a right to be there.

Which, oddly, turns out to be the best way to let them fade.

Otherwise, Invisible, what you're in love with are not these Girls, but with these reeeeeeeeeally-long-letter-causing Ordeals. Which is a great way not to get hurt. Or loved back. See, "Invisible/Music/Whatever Man" is merely a clever synonym that masks your true identity: a guy whom people see, hear, and understand -- if he doesn't obscure, drown out, or efface himself in his own story. Fonzie and Phil Collins will make no more appearances in this letter, I promise. But I hope -- and believe -- that your next letter will be simply the brief (not that you're bugging me) "see-I-promised-I'd-never-bug-you-again" ballad of your requited love for: Girl #3.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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