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| March 1, 1999 |
e-mail to a friend in need
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Dear Breakup Girl, Lately I have been the dude-magnet from every late night NBC sitcom. Pheromones? My new perfume? Winter boredom? Who knows. I have no idea why, and honestly, it is more stressful to me than glamorous. Well, after a few dates with all four of these guys, I have narrowed it down to the one I like the best. Problem? I also have this niggling suspicion in the back of my mind that says "I wonder if he is gay..." Not just because he is gallant and remembers the date and time that we first met (no joke...), but also because he has this lisp that just makes him sound like he might favor guys. (stereotypical, I know...). I am now interpreting everything he says by a "gay or not gay" barometer and it's really unfair to him and it gives me migraines... But I am so afraid to ask him! I don't want to be stereotypical, and if he's straight, I don't want him to think that I think he acts gay! ACK! What should I do! I really don't want to wreck what we have so far, but at the same time, I don't want to be devastated 6 months from now after I have given him my heart, and he tells me it's true... How does one approach this subject with the smallest number of casualties? I'm walking on eggshells ... -- Donna
At some level, the real question here is not: Is he gay? but rather: How do I shut down that damn barometer? Even so, let's explore this a little more. We all know that there are certain stereotypes associated with "acting" gay: you know, lisping, sleeping with men, leaving the military, etc. And many of them do ring true. Then again, BG knows a bunch of gay hockey players who make the Rangers look like the cast of "Love! Valour! Compassion!" You never know. So how do you find out? Well, here's the flip answer: take what you will from this NYC comedian's wisecrack: "I don't understand it when people say, 'I don't know if I'm gay or not.' Here's a tip: keep a journal." So. But yes, there is, except in certain Manhattan apartments, that crazy little thing called a closet. If anyone has any tried-and-true suggestions on how to shine a dim, delicate flashlight inside -- as opposed to marrying someone and getting a harsh clue later -- I'm all ears (as am I to the name of that comedian). Meantime, I'd say this: for the reasons you state above, you can't really ask. But you can give him the opportunity to tell. How about when you initiate that 90s conversation where you share just enough information about your pasts to be useful to your future health? I know he may not have any actual gay action in his past (and I know that being gay is NOT only about what/whom you do on the futon). But this topic -- more than, say, Gretzky's injury -- might be more conducive to soul-/sexual-preference -baring. Oh, wait. Love, |
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