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Dear Breakup Girl,

I got involved with a co-worker about 6 months ago. He's married, and his wife has been good friends with my mother for a while. Things started to move along (I didn't place any demands on him) and then on Christmas Eve she listened in on a phone conversation. She thinks this has been going on only for a few weeks, and she's threatening to discuss this with mom. (We've had some really rough times these last few years, we're just getting our trust back in one another, and finally developing a "relationship.") I also just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do? I'm head over heels for him and carrying his child (he doesn't know yet), but I don't want to lose what I finally have with my mom. What do I do? How do I keep her from getting my family involved? This will tear them apart. Please help.

-- Lisa

Dear Lisa,

Um, uh oh. Co-worker, friend of the family, busted affair, mother-daugher issues, pregnancy, the holidays -- are you sure you haven't told me about, like, some link to Bin Laden or something? Hate to be flip, but it doesn't get much worse, or much more complicated, than this. Yeah, I'm sure you've figured that out on your own. Also less than helpful: hate to say this, but as far as I can figure, you can't keep the Mrs. from involving the Mom. I mean, sure, it's crappy of her to tattle, but what can I say? She's pretty much entitled to the Two Wrongs defense. I am so sorry that whatever house-of-cards of trust you've build with your mom may come crashing down, but -- forgive the mixed metaphor -- at this point, that's kind of in the Now You've Got To Sleep In It Department ("If," as Lisa Kudrow said in The Opposite of Sex, "there's room").

And, you know, Lisa, it was a house of cards. As in, not that stable. I feel mean for reminding you of this, but I can't find "sleep with her friend's husband, who is also my co-worker" in any instruction manual for Mother-Daughter trust-building. Lisa, whatever you were building with your mother, you were simultaneously tearing it down. How come? Yes, this situation is more about you and your mom than it is about you and your, um, boyfriend, ultimately; when you go into therapy -- ahem-- that's where you should start.

Ultimately. But right now, you have an even more pressing biological deadline: you have way less than nine months to make some choices about your pregnancy. I am not talking only about the controversial "choice" for which "choice" is a matter of law and euphemism. I am saying: please, please, please, please do not use your pregnancy as a pawn. There might be a baby here, Lisa. Who, if there is, will raise it? Who will see it? Who will not? If you are planning on becoming a mother --- or, actually, if you are not -- don't count on much support from your own. Make some calls.

And what about your job? I'm worried that you don't seem all that worried. Maybe you've got some sort of anything-goes Woodstock workplace, but -- especially if your tummy starts showing -- maybe you've got to do some sort of advance planning about discretion, etc. Or transferring. Please do not be careless about work because you are preoccupied with home[wrecking]. It is key to fix family things, of course, but do not underestimate the primary (or key backup) role your job -- being employed at all, even -- plays as a source of identity and self-esteem. Proceed with professionalism, yes?

Now, about the rest of this mess. Geez, sweetie, I'm at a loss. All I can say is: grit your teeth, clench your fists, be prepared ... for lots of bad stuff. May get worse before it gets better. Hard to say if he's prepared to leave his wife for you; even if he does, doesn't look like you guys will be very popular. I'm guessing, as I mentioned before, that you -- alone, with your mom, or as some sort of Knots' Landing group -- will require some sort of professional intervention. Don't try to handle this on your own, Lisa. Please: grow up.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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