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PART I

Breakup Girl is very busy right now, what with the giddy whirlwind of festivities and shopping expeditions and her Herculean efforts to get you all to say to each other, "Can't we drop it? It's Christmas!" But it's tough. The level of love and cuteness and romance and pressure and, like, red felt everywhere right now is, if anything, a warmup for February, when BG gets really busy. You know, with President's Day.

Anyway, BG has been going to so many fiestas that she's had no time to remember that she hasn't sent a single card. But there's always time for advice, so here are a couple of BG Holiday Party Tips:

> The holiday party hookup. Bound to happen. Why? Because eggnog doesn't taste spiked.

• Breakup Girl's Tip: Make sure you know what you're doing. Alternate eggnogs with a beverage that does taste spiked.

> The holiday party breakup. Now that's a deadly combination. Doubles your chances of making poor food choices.

• Breakup Girl's Tip: never go to the party hungry. I usually accomplish this by attending another party first.

One more thing. As if the holidays weren't cheerful enough, Breakup Girl is having her wisdom teeth out this week. ALL FOUR. The dentist has promised that this will in no way affect the quality of my advice.) I am making this announcement with one intention only: to secure your pity (oh, and also to note that molars are the only context in which one may use "impact" as a verb). Please send soup.

Happy Hanukah, by the way!

Onward, Judeo-Christian soldiers:

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