< PREVIOUS LETTER
 

A KAFFEKLATSCH ON SOBER BOY*

John writes:
Not a question, but an expansion on the advice you gave to the non-drinker at the party school last week (with apologies for the back-seat quarterbacking, and this mixed metaphor). As a non-drinking male, I discovered a very easy way to meet non-drinking females in a drinking environment: Volunteer to be the designated driver whenever possible. Eventually you'll wind up getting invited to the best parties with all the "cool kids" no matter what your status on campus is; second, there is an almost 100% chance that some non-drinking female will have been brought to the party by her new date, who then proceeds to get totally wasted. Guess who winds up driving the female home? You do. And you come across as a sober, caring guy who wants to make sure his friends get home okay. On top of which, it gets you out of your room, where, I quickly discovered, there were no women at all, drinking or not.

Breakup Girl wonders:
Hmmm, really? You don't wind up, like, getting used? Or having to endure heinous parties?

John responds:
It's like going to a wedding -- you can always find someone else who doesn't like that kind of "do" and hang out with them -- or just bring a book.:) And you're not being used if you're intentionally trading a ride home for a night out, and not somehow trying to buy your way into being part of the gang.:) Remember, since you don't drink anyway, and you'd have to drive back and forth to the party anyway, you're not really sacrificing much.

All I can say is, it worked for me over and over and over. I think it works in part because girls tend to be asked out to parties even if they aren't really the party-hearty type, and sometimes go to avoid the "every Saturday night in your room" thing. Doesn't mean they liked it when they got there. When the schmuck who asked them to the party winds up getting snockered, they are bored, disgusted, and in the mood to talk to someone relatively witty and not drunk.:)

John adds:
Speaking of witty, I'm very much enjoying your site and your responses. They are intelligent, sensitive, lightly toned but very caring and perceptive. It's very hard to write advice that can actually get into people's heads, but you're pulling it off nicely. I love your metaphors, btw. My own personal history is as a "loft-builder" guy -- but I ran into a "loft-builder" woman, and we're building a love-loft (figuratively speaking) together. Keep up the good work.

AND A SOBERING YET SUPPORTIVE SHOUT-OUT FOR MELISSA

Eric writes:
I wanted to pass some advice along to that girl with the friend who has the heroin problem. One of the more difficult things to do in life is watch a friend die, but sooner or later we all have to go through it. And much sooner than we want to. It's especially hard when it's so wasteful and preventable, but some things we can't change. Walking that fine line between being there for him and contributing to the problem is hard as hell and you do have your own sanity to think about, but you and I both know that if you were capable of walking away you already would have.

So now that you have made your choice to see it through, even if it doesn't end up the way you hope it will, you need to get together with some other people who have a clue what it's like to be in your shoes. Believe it or not, you should try an al-anon meeting. I know..this has nothing to do with booze. Just trust me on this. Good luck.

PLUS A FEW WORDS FOR FRUSTRATED AS HELL, FROM SOMEONE WHO THINKS CALENDAR GUY'S DAYS SHOULD BE NUMBERED

VM writes:
I know BG says you're spending too much time tallying, but sometimes it's Tallying Time, if ya know what I mean, Vern. If there's one thing I've learned in my life, it's that you go by a man's actions. That's how you figure out the real story, girls --- that's how guys TALK ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP --- and sounds like this guy is not contributing much to the conversation. Obviously he's making only the minimal effort. A calendar?? A CALENDAR?? I think your instincts are dead on. As for the "woody" thing -- I was married to one of those guys for 11 years. For the first NINE YEARS I didn't say anything, not wanting to hurt his feelings. I finally exploded one night, but he never took any action to help the problem either, and it just got worse and worse. We are now divorced, not just because of that, but because of the whole package. He was like your guy --- he made no effort to give back, in any area of our lives. I finally decided I was worth more than that, and so are you. You're a jewel --- don't waste yourself on somebody who doesn't deserve you.

* As for the opinions expressed in all Shout-outs, Breakup Girl is not necessarily endorsing; she is simply thought-provoking and sharing. Just so you know.

< PREVIOUS LETTER