Home Breakup Girl To The Rescue! - Super-Advice from Lynn Harris
Advice

Comics

Animation

Goodies

Big To Do
MORE...
About Us

Archive
August 24, 1998   CONTINUED e-mail e-mail to a friend in need

< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >
 

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have a female friend, K, who is dating R. Well, sort of dating... she's been trying to end it for about 6 months (that would be about 1/3 the time)... the problem is, she cares for him, and she senses how much he cares for her, and feels guilty trying to end it. So there I was, minding my own business, just being her friend... and I saw how hard she was struggling and, being the enabling personality I am, I got to helping her deal with some of her self-esteem issues etc... and we got to be closer friends... now -- before you think you know where this is going, we're still just friends... but we're friends in a way that I've never been friends with anyone -- and the closeness of it disturbs both of us at times...

Neither of us knows where it will lead; we both hint around it, but the R situation continues, and she's started getting really really drunk and apologizing to me for not being better... (which is odd because I'm not a very judgmental person...). She goes out of her way to prove to me she's not deep down the person I see her as, and I know it's just her way of testing or being afraid... I have been patient, and I have tried to be understanding, but the other day, R got onto her computer and read some of the email we'd exchanged -- a lot of rather personal things for each of us... at that point, I laid down the line... I said, "That's it -- I'm tired of you drinking yourself into oblivion, I'm tired of the self-destructive R thing, I'm tired of the "R does a bad thing, you forgive him, R does a worse thing" cycle -- I can't do this any more." I felt awful saying it... I don't want to step away from her -- hell, I want to spend all my time with her... but this environment -- nothing good can develop here... so I'm trying to step back. Of course, she isn't reacting well -- apparently I'm "as bad as he is" or something... I know she knows better, and maybe me being there was a place for her to vent and helped her not to address some of the R issues... I don't really know...

I try to have a good attitude, that if she doesn't come out from behind this R thing, she's not really the person for me anyway... but that only helps on some days...

So I guess the question is... how do I help her when I can't help her... tell me I did it right... pat me on the head and give me a cookie... if you have advice, or another angle, I'd really appreciate it...

-- Exhausted in Texas


Dear Exhausted,

Good friend, good friend. Pat, pat. Here's a cookie: you did it right! You're especially right about how she's not the one for you as long as she thinks R is. And at very least, clearly the triangular rut you were all in wasn't doing anyone any good -- the sheer act of shaking things up could well make a difference, scare her straight. As far as I can tell , the only name she'll respond to is Emergency Crisis Drama Queen Who's Not Allowed to Have It Any Different/Better. Don't call her by that one. But if you want to spend occasional time with her, go ahead -- might remind her that it IS possible to have good, nice people around -- but do specific activities (not involving alcohol) and set some ground rules. Like: I'll stand by you as a friend, but we are not allowed to have any conversations about R that sound really really familiar. Otherwise, no cookies for either of you.

Love,
Breakup Girl

< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >

[breakupgirl.net]

blog | advice | comics | animation | goodies | to do | archive | about us

Breakup Girl created by Lynn Harris & Chris Kalb
© 2008 Just Friends Productions, Inc.
| privacy policy
Cool Aid!

Important Breakup Girl Maxim:
Don’t create some fool’s gold standard of full disclosure and ask each other more about the past than you really want to know.
Breakup Girl Sez

MEANWHILE...
Advice Archive
BG Glossary
Breakups 101
Google

Web BG.net

Hey Kids! Buy The Book!
Available at Amazon