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Dear Breakup Girl,

I had a couple of relationships in my early- to mid-20s that went about as smoothly as David Duke at an NAACP convention. Toward the end, my career prospects were doing the same thing, so I decided pretty much to pack 'er all in, throw ER all out, and go on a major life change. I ditched my dead-end life in one city, took a certification course, and went to teach English abroad.

I didn't seriously look for a relationship while I was abroad (I was teaching in a really small town in the Czech Republic). At any rate, I'm now back in my home city, and guess what? At the ripe old age of 32, it's like I've rediscovered men, and I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL I AM DOING.

Oh, yeah. I remember the basics: be yourself, don't talk too much, etc. But I get this feeling that when I was learning about linguistics and spelling, a whole bunch of people were learning the subtle art of flirting, finding partners, and getting married.

I try to contribute to conversations when I'm out with people, but after a while, their eyes start to glaze over when I start talking about living abroad, and I don't know or can't relate to half of what they're talking about (cell phones, pension plans, mortgages). Especially the guys -- I know about NHL hockey and the law suit against Bill Gates (not a lot of Western media where I was living), and after that -- it tanks. Which makes me more nervous. Which impedes my ability to relax and be myself.

I have a chance to go work in Mexico, and, to be honest, I'm kind of thinking about taking it. At least when I'm abroad, and I feel ungainly in a social situation, I can understand the reason why. On the one hand, it seems silly to cut and run when I know that I'm gonna have to face up to these problems eventually. On the other hand...

So here's my question: am I just rusty, or is this some kind of culture shock that I never anticipated would happen?

-- Antonia

Dear Antonia,

Hee! You and Wrong Place are like...twin cousins. She went away, you came home, but you both found yourselves...lost. Don't get tripped up on the same assumption: those people who were flirting and looking while you were gone may or may not have actually been learning. Or, to jumble metaphors: as Breakup Trainer would say, "Rest is part of the workout." Maybe a break was just what you needed to...ripen. Who knows? Anyway, that's water under the Charles.

Where to go now? Over to our own Belleruth, who says: "Seems to me what you brought home -- or have always had -- is what I would call an 'inability to tolerate discomfort.' And difficulty with sticking around and seeing -- whatever -- through to the other side. You may be over-interpreting your perceived awkwardness as (1) 'because I'm weird and different' or as (2) 'my life is hopeless and this is just more proof of same.' Fact of the matter is, most of this is just life, maybe with a side of shy. The challenge for you will be to grit your teeth and live it in one place."

We're not telling you not to take exciting, horizon-stretching opportunities. But see, Antonia, the stuff you're asking about will all only feel more foreign if you take off again. Stick around, and so will someone else.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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