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Dear Breakup Girl,

So I've fallen (more like plummeted) in love with a man I work with. I've never fallen so hard for anyone before in my life. The particular things about him that sustain my attraction -- his manner, his voice, his eyes, among many other things -- I cannot come close to finding in any other man And I've tried! This "crush" started a little over a year ago. So, what's holding things up?

Not that we're coworkers at a very gossipy office, nor that he's ten years older than me. Neither of these things would deter me from pursuing him. Only that he's quite married. With three kids. This would normally stop me cold in my tracks, but for some reason he has been giving me mixed signals ranging from suggestive comments ("Did you ever think about being a lingerie model?") to visual cues (like not wearing his wedding ring for long, unexplained periods of time), to blatant sexual innuendo (brushing up against me, gently pinching the back of my knee). I've spent many nights over the past year lying awake in bed, having fun ruminating over what all of these little nuances could mean.

Even though I'm burning up on the inside, I've always tried to play it cool and keep my feelings for him a secret. I overstepped the bounds once and bought him a small Christmas present. He seemed pleased by this and reciprocated by taking me out to lunch. In spite of all this, over the past few months his marriage looks to be on an upswing.

Though the nuances are fewer and far in between, they come just often enough to fan the flames. I cannot seem to drop the feelings I have for him.

Frankly, I am about to pop. I need to get over this or somehow change the status quo. I am presently trying to convince myself that I should tell him. What if he's more than obliged and willing to have an affair which I'm not sure I could resist even though I'd feel terrible about it.

On the other hand, what if I go crazy from keeping my emotions locked up for who knows how long?

A lot of damage and embarrassment could result from this coming out into the open, but keeping my feelings a secret has made them larger than life and very difficult to deal with. Help me climb out of this rut. Thanks.

-- Nancy

Dear Nancy,

Telling him how you feel has two possible outcomes:

1. He will "forget" all the sleazy inappropriate flirting he did under cover of marriage and, "shocked," refuse. Which will leave you feeling like a jackass.

2. He will oblige, and you will have an affair with a married man. Which will leave you feeling like a jackass.

Also. You think you have only two options with regard to your feelings.

1. Drop.

2. Act on.

No. #1 is not something that humans can necessarily do at will. As for option #2, well, this liaison does not sound like the "some enchanted meeting" kind of [office] romance wherein The Guy at the End of the Salad Bar would endorse an intervention.

So. I know you're about to pop, but I think what needs to change is not the status quo, but rather the paradigm. Try this: these feelings aren't cooped up waiting to find their true calling; rather, they are precisely the kind of feelings one hides. And -- dare I say -- enjoys. Remember the part where you had "fun ruminating?" Like that. Chaste Coworker Flirtation ... if you can stand it.

But if you can't, you can't. You could, you know, ask him to nix the canoodling; it makes you uncomfortable (not untrue). Might make things a little weird, but it might also take the edge off.

Mainly, leave the feelings where they are -- fighting them only makes them stronger! -- take the rest of your life off hold, and have a little fun ruminating over why you haven't plummeted this hard for someone available.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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