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Dear Breakup Girl,

How I am supposed to suppress my overwhelming urge to smother every guy I become involved with? I think it is starting to adversely affect my relationships (DUH). Help me out! I need some ideas on how to redirect my attention in the first stages of a relationship so I don't scare him off.

--Passionate

Dear Passionate,

Some of the smothering, I'm thinking, may come simply from the HOORAY! factor. As in: "HOORAY! A boyfriend! Now I get to release all those girlfriendy things that have been pent up, restless and pacing, since... the last time I smothered someone!"

Hmm, okay. Let's also see what more elaborate Psychology this girlfriend pillow of yours might be stuffed with. Our own Belleruth says the smothering impulse is actually pretty common -- even/especially among people who are actually pretty together at work and during alone times -- capable, competent, self-sufficient, good friends, etc. Go figure.

Belleruth goes on: "The smothering thing may be a way of dealing with a quick succession of feelings that go as follows...

1. You [anyone with this tendency] meet someone you dig.
2. This trips a switch and kicks loose intense feelings of ... I guess you could call it longing. Your previously quiescent hunger to have someone to love and be part of comes bursting through the surface. It's intense.
3. These feelings scare the daylights out of you, make you way anxious.
4. So you feel like you need to bind up the anxiety by doing ...something, and -- perversely -- you also need to make the source of the anxiety (ie the guy!) go away. And voila! The smothering accomplishes both.

Smotherers usually even know exactly what they're doing and still can't stop. There's a weird kind of relief when the person backs off, because it's hard to figure out how to be with someone and not feel this to be with someone and not feel this incredibly uncomfortable starvation and anxiety."

A Belleruth-recommended place to start: "mindfulness meditation" -- it can help you learn to pay clear attention to precisely what you're doing in the present moment. Kind of like looking under the hood while you're driving. Helps cultivate "there I go aga-- oh, wait!" self-control and reduce anxiety. Yours and, I'll bet, the next guy's. Good luck!

Love,
BR and BG

 
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