     |
| May 15, 2000 CONTINUED |
e-mail to a friend in need
|
|||
|
<
PREVIOUS LETTER ||
NEXT LETTER > Predicament of the Week
Call this one "Reasons Not To Sleep With Your Friends #764." My very good friend Mike, whom I met in school, broke up with his long-term girlfriend, Dana, last summer, while I was in another city. Separately, I broke up with my long-term (and long distance) boyfriend during the absence. There had always been some slight attraction between Mike and me, but we had never acted on it because we were both in relationships. When I arrive back in college town, we discover that we are both single, spend an evening drinking, and wake up in bed together. We continue this friends-who-have-sex relationship for maybe a month, it goes badly, we don't speak for a while, but eventually come back to the same close friendship we had originally (no sex involved). Also, although Dana and Mike had already split before anything happened between us, she hates me passionately for what she sees as my stealing him from her. Fast forward to now. Mike's roommate is moving out, and I need a new place to live. Mike and I want to live together (platonically, of course). The problem is that while Mike and Dana were together, they moved into next-door apartments. Although Dana's animosity toward me was never a problem before because I didn't have to deal with her very often, moving into Mike's place would make conflict unavoidable. The way I see it, if Mike had any balls he would say to her, "Our relationship is over, therefore even though I still value you as a friend, you have no right to dictate my friendships/roommate choices." But he is not the kind of guy to initiate confrontation, even if that's what has to be done for this living situation to be at all pleasant for any of us. I feel like Dana is always going to resent me in some way, but I would much rather have it out once and for all than have to deal with the evil eye every time I go to get my mail. Mike just doesn't want me to upset her. So what is my place in this conflict? What can I do to make things move without being overly pushy? And please don't say live somewhere else; my finances make this really the only option. --Jo
Or is this Melrose Place #764? Jo, I won't tell you to live somewhere else...but what else do you want me to tell you? Ideally, yes, Dana "should" suck it up. It is not Okay for her to be outwardly hostile. Everything you did was totally legit and above board; legally, strictly speaking, you're on completely solid ground. Hookups happen. Fine. But: Dana's going to do what she's going to do, feel what she's going to feel, shove you into whatever pool she's going to shove you into, regardless of what Mike does or doesn't say. I wouldn't be that worried if you hadn't told me she'd been steamed before, but there you go. Unfortunate human reality: feelings and jealousy and girl-grrrs are what they are. Often dumbass. Irrational and hard to control, even if you know you "should" -- especially when their sparker is the girl next door. If she'd written to me instead of you, she could just as easily be the one saying "the animosity was never a problem because I didn't have to deal with her very often...". Asking Dana to be cool with this -- which yes, reality, might be your (thankless) job -- will demand a whole lot more neighborliness than asking her for a cup of sugar. I guess all you can do, really, is approach her and "Here's the deal, I know it might be weird and I'm sorry about that' her. Still, over time, try to be all Nice and Normal and Let's Go Get Some Pink Drinks and Bond might make things worse. And even if she's sweet on the surface, which is entirely possible...I don't know, I wouldn't want to feel like I have to avoid the creaky steps, literally and figuratively, every time I come home. Dollars are dollars, yes, but Jo, just for one more moment, consider other costs (possibly even your friendship with Mike). You have no idea how much I'd hate for #765 to be the one where BG says "....told ya." Love, |
||||
|
||||
  
|
