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Dear Breakup Girl,

I've been dating this guy for a little over a month. He is consistently late, sometimes up to three hours late. His friends told me "he's a lagger" and urged me not to take it personally. I am frustrated by his lateness as of course, I am the one who ends up having to wait around if I want to see him. My closest girlfriend tells me that I have to get angry with him, that it's part of training a guy. She's a "Rules Girl" and has encouraged me to follow "The Rules." "The Rules" seem like a bunch of crap if you ask me. But then again I am the one who ends up waiting.

I don't like having to "get angry" or "be a bitch." Nor do I enjoy the thought of having to "train a man" if I want to have a relationship. I want to be understanding and kind and, at the same time, would like to be treated with respect. There's gotta be a gray area between being a "doormat" and a "Rules Girl." Should I dump this boy and clean the slate or is there some way I can salvage this situation?

--Flamegirl

Dear Flamegirl,

The other night we tried to get a table at this so-in-it's-already-out place called Pastis. We were told there was "a three-hour wait." Okay, but see, there is no such thing as a "three-hour wait." A "three-hour wait" means "No."

Which is to say, Flamegirl, that while anyone human is permitted a genuine screwup (city leveled by Moth-Ra, etc.), three hours (or anything consistently over ten minutes) is not just "late." A "lagger!?" You shouldn't take it personally!? How else would you take it, politically? I'm sorry, but it's more than bad manners. I dare say, Flamegirl -- and this isn't pretty -- that someone who's not stepping up and showing up, especially during the promptest-foot-forward first month of dating, is … someone who does not want to see you badly enough.

That's actually why, believe it or not, I think the Rules and I would agree here. They tell you to wait for a man to call, to ask you to dance, to raise your clothing allowance … not merely to show up at dinner. Credit where due: the whole point of being a RG is to not chase, coddle, or put up with people who do not come through for you. "Train" him? I think even the Rules would tell you not to bother.

As far as co-existing peacefully with a Late Person, though, I will take a moment to say that I have discovered possibly the only thing that works ("getting angry" and "being a bitch" -- i.e. demanding that someone change -- does not). It's called the Plan B Plan. You say, "So if I don't see you by 7:45, then Plan B: I will leave your ticket at the box office." They may arrive late, which is sucky, but at least you spare yourself the stress of deciding what smoke signals to send, and you spare them your being a martyr about missing the first act/period/whatever. And remarkably, when something stops being a power struggle, someone often starts showing up on time.

If you want to pursue this one, Flamegirl, that may be the way to handle Mr. Tardy. But BG would really rather keep you waiting for someone who won't.

Love,
Breakup Girl

 
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