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Dear Breakup Girl,

Boiled down to the basics, I want your opinion on whether or not I should give up on the girl I love.

We met online over two years ago. We live 3000 miles apart, and our relationship began when we met in person over one weekend. The weekend was pure magic; we both fell in love instantly. It was truly incredible.

Over the next two years, I feel that she put everything into the relationship that she could, and I didn't. Why? A couple of reasons. One was that I wasn't sure about my love for her at first, while she was sure of her love for me. A second reason was that it was my first serious relationship, and I didn't handle it as maturely and responsibly as I now feel I should have. Another factor (though not an excuse) was that during the past two years, I have graduated from college, and finished one and a half years of law school, both of which have kept me an extremely busy and preoccupied guy. She hasn't been in school at all and has worked part-time while living with her parents. All these things have been significant obstacles to our long-distance relationship.

We went through a few breakups in the past but always got back together. All of the breakups were due to what I would say are the normal tensions caused by distance. At no point did either of us ever stop loving the other, even during those breakups. We were both 100% loyal and committed to each other throughout. We got along so well, laughed, and had so much fun when we were together. She spent two months with me one semester, and I spent both of my three week Christmas holidays with her.

Our sex life was great, but during the past few months, something was definitely not right. I failed to communicate with her about this, even though she tried to communicate her feelings about it to me. I think it was related to my unhappiness with my physical fitness (and image), but in any case, I think it was something that could have been worked out had we communicated properly. Another recurring problem was that she felt I never took her seriously. I would tell her I did, but when it came down to my actions, I know I didn't do 100% for the relationship like she did.

For example, I never sent her personal letters or gifts, except when absolutely necessary (such as to avoid a breakup). I didn't buy her any beautiful gifts or jewelry, nothing to make her feel really special. I loved her, yes, but I now feel like I always did the bare minimum for her, just enough to "get by." We talked about marriage, but only at a serious level during the past few months. In fact, we were preparing for her to move down with me, something she had wanted to do for about a year.

Again, why wasn't I more serious about her? I don't know. Maybe I still didn't love her as much as I thought I did. Maybe I underestimated the difficulty of maintaining a long-distance relationship while being in law school.

Ten days ago, she broke up with me after we spent a weekend together. She told me that "something happened" during our weekend together, and that she fell out of love with me. She's not completely clear about why this happened, but she was sure that one factor was her unhappiness with our love life in bed. She felt unloved. I feel like it was more than just sex. I feel like two years of what I consider to be neglect finally caught up to her, and her moment of realization was our last weekend together.

I love this girl, deeply. I know that for a fact. Please take that as a foregone conclusion, rather than obliging me to take another three hours to explain or prove why that is so. What I don't know is, based on her behavior, whether this breakup is the final one. I can't tell whether it's really over and whether or not I should stop trying to show her how much I love her like I did the last few times (which caused her to come back to me). Since we've broken up, she's given me mixed signals about this. I'll break them up into "It's over" and "Ain't over" for you. (Wish I was this organized in my relationship, sheesh!)

Ain't over: I try not to call her too often to give her time and space to think, but she still calls every few days to see how I'm doing. (My friends think she would not only not call me, but also would have asked me not to call her anymore if she were sure about breaking up.)

It's over: She flat out told me she doesn't feel in love with me (after I insisted she admit it to me; that's the stupid stubborn future lawyer in me).

Ain't over: She still cries now and then at the thought of how much I'm hurting over the breakup.

It's over: She could be crying over my pain whether or not she still loves me, because of guilt.

Ain't over: She hasn't told any of her friends or family that we've broken up. (Her parents loved me to death.)

It's over: She gets really pissed off when she calls and I semi-jokingly ask if she's calling to take me back.

Ain't over: When asked, she says she might feel in love with me again some day, but she doesn't want me to wait for her.

It's over: When I'm not doing too well emotionally on the phone, her way of consoling me is to tell me that I'll get over it soon, and that I'll learn to love someone else again. (She wouldn't say that if she were unsure about her breakup, would she?)

Ain't over: her most precious possession is her baby blanket that she's had since, well, she was a baby. She's carried it around with her for 21 years. A few months ago, she painfully cut out a small piece of it and gave it to me, and I could tell she was uncomfortable doing it but chose to anyway. Well, after we broke up, I gracefully asked her if she wanted me to send it back to her, and she was very sure that she wanted me to keep it forever. (The first time I asked her, she got very emotional and actually asked me to just throw it away or burn it if I didn't want to keep it.)

I feel like this girl loves me, still. And I love her more than anything. I want her back and am currently waging a war of emotions on her to convince her of my true love for her (Hey, all's fair in love and war.) I sent her a beautiful, handmade gift this weekend, and next week I'm flying out there to spend two entire days taking her out and making her feel very special for her birthday. (I'll be staying at my own hotel and will give her her space.) But what do you think? Does it seem to you as though she has passed the point of no return? Can her love for me ever be restored, if I do the right thing? Will this love story have a happy ending?

--Marshall

Dear Marshall,

Here's the thing about breakups. They are Mixed Feelings City. And here's the thing about Mixed Feelings. You can have them about firm decisions.

So: I hatehatehate to tell you, but my sense is that the last petal on that daisy is the one that says, "It is over, but she's having a really hard time with that."

Why do I think so? Because honestly, as you describe them, the "it's overs" are more convincing than the "ain'ts." The "aint's" are what you do and say when you are Mayor of Mixed Feelings. Which is why the "overs" and "ain'ts" all do make sense together as a single platform. Beat yourself up all you want with your wouldacouldashouldas, but Linus loves you, Marshall. She LOVEDloved you and your relationship. It kills her to hurt you. She is still defensive enough about a decision that seems nuts on its face that she's not yet prepared to explain herself to her peeps or re-explain to you.

That is, bluely enough, what I think. Still (given the kind of turnaround time that you guys know we, unfortunately, have to have around here), though, I don't know what happened on your now-recent weekend in fabulous downtown Mixed Feelings (which, no matter what those petals seem to spell, would have been handily endorsed by the Guy at the End of the Bar, so right on).

But even if she did go for a do-over, here's what has to happen to make it stick. (This is also the one -- one -- trick left in your bag in case the weekend move tanked.) And that is: remember, lasting reunions are not based only on one wine-and-dine, flash-and-dash weekend. Lasting reunions are not just "please be kind, rewind." You can show up with a bouquet every day, but each petal has to say, "This time it will work because here's how we'll approach the XYZ that went wrong before." Or, better yet, "How do you suggest we handle the XYZ that went wrong before?" That's also how you take the pressure off yourself alone -- over the longer term, anyway -- to "do it right."

Bar Guy and I do hope that worked/works. But if this daisy's done, well, look, Marshall: Taking on-line into real life is hard. Long distance is hard. So is whatever body image stuff you were wrestling with. So's law school. So are … relationships. Sounds like you guys have/had a really nice one against many odds, with lots of marvy memories. And that there's lots of care there, still. And also, cornily enough, you grew a lot and learned stuff. For now, may this stubborn lawyer be comforted by those soft fragments of blanky.

Love,
Breakup Girl

 
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