< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >
 

Dear Breakup Girl,

I think I'm on the opposite end of a situation similar to Lu's, and I don't know where to go from here.

I started seeing this girl at the beginning of December on my 31st birthday, and the connection was incredible. We had the kind of chemistry that made me look at every past relationship and realize, "So that's what was missing!" She's 23, smart, beautiful, a good kisser ... I could gush for hours. We spent all of December together, and it was so easy that I was already beginning to think that she was "the one."

Then on New Year's Eve, she broke off in mid-kiss and told me that she wasn't sure that "romantic spark" was there, and that she was starting to think of me more in a "friendly way." To say I was shocked would be the understatement of the millennium.

After taking a couple of days to regain my composure, I tried talking to her to figure out what went wrong. I asked her if maybe we'd just seen too much of each other too soon, but she didn't think that was it. So I told her I still thought there was "something" there and that going out as friends was fine, as long as she knew that I was still thinkin' of us as "friends with potential." She said she didn't have a problem with that, so we kept going out as friends.

After a couple more dates as friends, sans kissing, we had a really good time at a concert. When I dropped her off at home, I looked at her like I wanted to kiss her. She said go ahead, so I did. I then told her (a mistake?) that I could tell she liked me, though maybe she just didn't know it yet. The next Friday, she asked me if I really believed what I'd said. I told her I did, and she said she just didn't think it was true. Plus, she didn't know if she was comfortable with my liking her more than she liked me. Obviously, this wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear.

A few days later on Valentine's Day, I gave her a present -- and my position. I told her that I thought she was a fun person, that we had a good time when we were together, and that I'd like to keep doing things with her. Then I asked if she wanted me to keep asking her out, even as friends. She said yes. At this point I figured maybe -- if I could just stop the slide -- I'd be okay. Her birthday was two weeks later, and after already having found her the perfect gift, she told me some other guy had asked her out and she had said yes. Would this be a problem? Well, duh! But I sucked it up and said we'd see. Her birthday party was essentially a group of about 20 people going around to bars, and even though she didn't exhibit a lot of PDA with him, someone did make her do a shot off his lap. That was too much. I told her privately that my calling her while she was going out with someone else was just going to jerk me around, so I just wasn't going to call her anymore. However, I added that she could call me anytime if she wanted to do something with just me.

I think I've done the right thing, but I still feel like crap. And even though the logical part of my mind says that it's over, emotionally I don't feel any different than when I told her that she liked me. I still think she does. Am I normal? Is it even possible that she does like me that way, or am I just deluding myself? And why is it that the purely logical decision hurts so much? Damn you, Mr. Spock!

-- Brian

Dear Brian,

Brian, kiddo, this gal has got you doing shots out of her lap. She is not, like, Klingon, but: I am not so sure that she is going to come through for you. I do think you did the right thing, finally, though: stick to your phasars and do not call. Friends, schmends. You're not.

How come the logical decision hurts? Well, heck, Brian, what can I say? If "logical" were simple and non- painful then we'd all have quit smoking and over-drinking* and have reached the weight we desire, you know what I mean? Just because we know very clearly how and what to do (burn fewer/more calories than we consume, depending on our goal) doesn't mean we do it. Or do it gladly.

So yeah, the logic here: quit drinking. The shots, I mean. How? Well, as they say: avoid the triggers, like, say, seeing her. One sip is enough to send you. That's why most people working on not drinking can't have any. Take it, if you/the recovery community will forgive me, one day at a time. Really. I know how true and good and real it felt until the Kiss of Truth/Death, but still. There will will will be someone about whom you'll say, "Okay, no, THAT'S what I was missing! This time I mean it." Someone who gives you more than 1/20 of her attention. Someone with whom falling in crazy messy irrational love is the logical thing to do.

Love,
Breakup Girl

* I know these are complicated addictions/diseases; bear with the metaphor.

 
< PREVIOUS LETTER   ||   NEXT LETTER >