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Dear Breakup Girl,

Okay, I have ten million reasons why it's already over; I just can't believe it's over. I am 33, and my boyfriend is 45. I love him with all my heart and he loves me, but he doesn't want kids and I do. I went hunting for advice today in your archives and came across the "Can you picture it?" advice about marriage, and that was his answer every time we've talked about it: "I just can't picture it." So I am devastated and want so badly for it not to be true, but I'm starting to realize I'm probably going to have to let this one go and move on because it doesn't look like he will ever change his mind on this, and frankly I'm starting to wonder how much time I can afford to waste.

That's what I need help with. I feel like I have waited so long for the right guy -- and this one really seemed like the right guy in every way -- and I feel like now I just have to give him up and start all over AGAIN! And I was SO HAPPY finally to have found the "right one." Am I crazy? And what are my chances of finding the right guy now? I feel like I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, and that is a horrible way to feel. Any advice for a very hip, funny, attractive, loving woman who feels like she is over the hill and is completely worn out by many years of dating and breaking up? Help!

--Worn Out Girl

Dear Worn Out Girl,

I know, I know. I know. It's like, "Ooooof. I have to, like, go on dates now!? How dorky and exhausting!" It's like a computer crash: losing hours and hours and hours of work and having to start from scratch, doubtful that you can ever recreate what you had in the first place, sure that you're going to -- in Bridget's words -- "end up dying alone and found three weeks later, half-eaten by an Alsatian." Right, because at some point in your Singleton thirties even, like, losing an earring backing makes you have thoughts like, "I lost my earring backing, therefore I am going to die alone -- and childless -- and be found three weeks later, half-eaten by an Alsatian."

All of which is to say, WOG, that -- delightful more-likely-to-be-on-a-hijacked-plane-than-to-get-married "studies" notwithstanding -- what you describe are feelings, not facts. This is your brain on breakups. Especially a post-30 breakup. I know.

But here's the good news: someone else in your position (prone, exhausted) might well have stayed with that guy, soldiered on, saying "close enough," pretending the kid thing wasn't an issue, fooling herself that they'd "work it out later." Cold comfort, maybe. But what that tells me is that you are, as they say, "a woman who knows what she wants," who will walk across the hot coals of a breakup -- without knowing what's on the other side -- to get it. Meaning that the Right Guy thing -- grueling game-face "getting out there" projects aside -- well, it won't take that long. You're not going to waste your time. I suspect that, without being hasty or callous or checklisty, you and your true-to-your-gut feelings can make this (forgive the unromantic terms) a pretty efficient process. Let yourself feel crappy, alone, and Alsatian-gnawed for a while, and then picture that.

Love,
Breakup Girl

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