Impatient on December 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My girlfriend of one year recently broke up with me, then decided it was a mistake and wrote me an e-mail saying she thought she still loved me, but couldn’t deal with the distance (she graduated last year and moved two hours away, hence the breakup, which was entirely one-sided). I told her I couldn’t really deal with e-mails saying she thought she still loved me and asked her to take some time to figure out if she did or didn’t and to get back to me.

The problem is, now I’m starting to get a little upset that it is taking her so long to decide if she still cares for me. Should I rush her, or just sit and be frustrated?

— Brett

Dear Brett,

She’s totally allowed to be confused, but she’s totally not allowed to send you confusing emails. If there’s something specific that you two need to work through together, then fine, you should talk; but writing, “hi, might still love u, but not sure, bye! : ) <SEND>” doesn’t count. You need to <REPLY> with, “ok, let me know by [specific deadline].”

Love,
Breakup Girl

Upgrading on December 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ve been dating the same guy for a little over three years. I really want to get married, or at least engaged, soon. My boyfriend on the other hand wants me to be his “permanent girlfriend” and has no intention of putting a ring on my finger any time soon. He tells me he loves me and that I’m the best thing that has ever happened to him and that I’m the best girlfriend he’s ever had.

I haven’t broken up with him yet because I keep waking up each morning thinking “maybe today is the day he’ll change his mind.” What do I do? Dump him and wait for him to come to his senses, dump him and forget about him or keep waiting? Thanks for any advice, I’m miserable but terribly in love.

— Tracy

Dear Tracy,

Do you want to get married, like, in life, or do you want to get married to him?

If it’s the former, this “PG” relationship won’t fit the bill — and waiting isn’t working, is it? See “Walk,” above.

If it’s the latter, consider this: what’s it worth to you to be with him, period, no matter what your status? Can you live and love in this relationshipright here, right now, complete and whole as is, without holding your breath for something to happen? If he’s as mad about you as he says, then he could be like Tile Guy, above. As Dalma Heyn writes in the same article, “Unless the [person] you’re waiting out is behaving badly, not just skittishly, remind yourself that you can wait as long as [s/he] can. And that trusting the process, and [him/her], and yourself, will let you enjoy these unencumbered months (or, yes, years) of courtship. You’ll have plenty of time to be married.”

Love,
Breakup Girl

Asking the wrong question on October 5, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

How do I know if I’m being irrational about an issue? My boyfriend never calls in advance to make plans for the weekend … he’ll call a couple hours before to ask me if I want to hang out. He’s 25, I’m 21, and we have been together for 6 months. When is it time to drop him and move on or continue putting in the effort?

— Renee

Dear Renee,

Okay, that’s really annoying. Here’s the question: when he calls, are you still there?

I mean, it’s possible that he’s one of those people who sucks at making plans. It’s also possible that he’s using you as Plan B, waiting to see what else might materialize before he calls his steady. Well, don’t be so goddamn steady. Make your own plans, with or without him. I’m not saying some fake girlpower thing like, “Teach that boy a lesson, girlfriend!” But I am saying that if you are always available at the last minute, you’re doing what people with and without psychological credentials call “enabling.”

‘Cause the other question is this: when you do go out, is he really there with you?

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Keeping things interesting on September 21, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Is there something in between having sex and not having sex??? Because if there is, I need to know what it is in order to hang onto a guy after the third date!

See, in December I fell for this guy and we clicked — tons of e-mail, great two dates, great phone conversations, he bought me a plane ticket so I could end my visit home early and see him. Well, he picked me up from the airport, we did the deed, he dumped me over e-mail the next day saying I gave it up too easy.

Gun shy and hurt, I spend the next several months healing, working hard in my profession and building inner-strength. Then last Saturday night I go out with this *great* guy and we have an absolutely fabulous 11 hour date. He couldn’t wait to see me again so we met up the next night. That night he arrives with lips and hands in motion, makes the move, I (learning from the past) ask if we can hold off, he runs. It was like having the Roadrunner exiting my apartment (meep! meep!).

You sleep with a guy — he bolts.

You don’t sleep with a guy — he bolts.

So back to my original question. Is there something between having sex and not having sex where a girl can keep her self-respect AND get to the fourth date?

— Bitten Smitten Kitten

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Going the distance on August 24, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Please help me. I haven’t ended a relationship, it’s just in suspended animation; which makes it harder because when you break up you move on and there’s some kind of closure. My boyfriend of three years is a military guy and just got transported to the other side of the earth for one year. Before he left he refused to make a commitment and told me it was “highly probable” he’d come back to me. (The issue of remaining monogamous prompted his response, said he didn’t know if he could). I made it clear that monogamy is what I expect even from 10,000 miles away. (Hey, if I can do it, so can he, right?) I was prepared to say goodbye when he left.

Anyway, now that he’s been gone for 8 weeks, he’s like a different person. He e-mails me the most sappy lovesick notes everyday, tells me how much he misses me and how lonely he is. He reassures me he’s not interested in being with anyone else because he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me. Hey, he even wrote me a letter with tear marks on it because he got emotional writing the thing. What am I to do? Believe the nonchalant man than was noncommital before our separation? Or, believe the emotional wreck that seems to have realized what a good thing he has? I am so confused at this point I’m going crazy. Help!

— Michele

BG clears things up after the jump!

MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you’ll find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn comes to the rescue of Waiting Gamer, who feels a strong connection with a gal that already has a man — yet still encourages him. Should he stay on the sidelines patiently or quit the game? Check out the letter, then tell us your thoughts.

Love moves in on March 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I recently had a new roommate move into my house. What had recently been a household of girls has now undergone some testosterone revamping. When this guy moved in I thought nothing of him, but now I’m finding myself oddly attracted and I think he’s into me to. What should I do, four months to go and I don’t know if I should tell him or keep it to myself and forget him. Help me!

— Romancing Roomie

Dear Romancing,

Living together is generally something people do after they’ve made a commitment. In your case, play it safe. I wouldn’t want something to be over before it even begins; when your ex is your roommate, all of a sudden those toothpaste trails s/he leaves aren’t so “adorable” anymore. Savor the crush — four months isn’t that long — and when he moves out, then you can consider how to move in.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Naughty thoughts from December 22, 1997…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been planning to break up with my boyfriend (of two months) but would rather wait until after the first of the year. My decision (based on my desire to see other guys, coupled with his irresponsibility and general disorganization) has been delayed because of the holidays and, more importantly, the fact that we both have two weeks of difficult final exams. If I know that he bought me an expensive Christmas present, am I under any obligation to stay with him or to return the gift to him after we break up? Is the fact that the gift is something I lobbied for extensively in a previous relationship — but never got — material to this question at all?

— Merry Christmas

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A real go-getter from January 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
I really like this guy — should I ask him out? Or should I wait until he does?
–Confused

Dear Confused,
There’s something to be said for waiting. Not because I think we should go back to the time when girls didn’t ask guys out, there were no women in Congress, etc. But because it’s fun to get asked out! It’s flattering! It’s thrilling! (Unless your suitor is that weird boy who wears shorts year-round, even in winter. You know the one.) And, more often than not, it’s useful — when he makes the first move, your preliminary guesswork is over: you know he’s interested, or at least “curious” (my term for one notch below “interested”).

But the same goes both ways. If you really want to be all you -go-girl about it, well then, you go, girl. Ask him out. Once. If he’s busy (or “busy”), you’ve at least made your point. Ball’s in his court now. You don’t have time to chase or flatter. You’ve got to work on that bid for Congress.
Love,
Breakup Girl