Trouble trusting on December 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been involved for a year and a half with a very gentle, caring man who I feel is trustworthy. However, I cannot seem to give up relentlessly accusing him of seeing other women. I know this is a contradiction. I do feel he is trustworthy, but I believe that I am experiencing a case of paranoia–as my past partners have been anything but trustworthy. Perhaps, I have recently taken a blow to my ego as of late, and my insecurities are surfacing in this relationship–but I honestly cannot figure out why I have been questioning my partner to the point of him wanting to give up. I have done damage to this relationship through this, and he is sick and tired of arguing–as am I. I want to repair the damage, but I seem to be unable to keep my mouth shut.

— Big Red

Dear Big Red,

We’re thinking you should open up that mouth to a therapist. Cause here’s what Belleruth says: “Your insight into the situation is admirable, but, evidently, not sufficient. Yours could be one of those self-fulfilling prophecy deals, where you create what you’re most scared of — i.e. rejection — out of perverse self-destructiveness. But if you get some help, you’ll have more control over your testing behavior and wayward mouth.” Here’s hoping that it’ll start saying things like, “I trust you.” Or, better yet, that things like “I trust you” will go without saying.

Love,
BR/BG

Lying about drugs on November 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I met Rebecca nearly seven years ago in high school and we were friends until she went away to college two years later. We lost touch until about eighteen months ago, when she returned back to the area to start her career.

After ten months of hanging out once or twice a week I came to the realization that I wanted to take the relationship to a ‘higher level’ and expressed this to her. She considered it and agreed, and we committed to one another romantically.

At the time I was a regular user of marijuana. I smoked maybe three or four times a week with my friends, and she had done it once or twice in college. Two months into our new relationship, she expressed concern that I was smoking too often. Looking for a good reason to quit, I promised at that point to give it up.

Two months later, after little in the way of struggle, I smoked pot again. I told her about it, and, while she was concerned, she was happy I told her and we left it at that. The problem is, my usage didn’t end there. I started doing it every couple of weeks, consistently.

Meanwhile, the relationship continued to get better. We started travelling with one another, and we spent the night at one another’s apartments three or four nights a week. We were in love and the future looked bright. We rarely had any kind of tense moments and even then we resolved them quickly. Except for the issue with pot. She seemed to be a touch suspicious and would bring up the topic every now and again. I would deny any kind of involvement with dope out of the fear of losing her or causing her undue grief.

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Popping that question on October 19, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I met a great guy a few months ago. He’s smart, funny, nice, beyond sexy and has the cutest Irish accent I’ve ever heard. We had been dating for a couple of months and everything was cool until he popped the question: Thatquestion. He asked me to marry him.

Unfortunately, this wasn’t any bold declaration of reckless, impetuous love, it’s a last-ditch attempt to not get deported.

I was speechless, but managed to sqeak out a “no” before I got the hell out of his place. He called me later that night, and said he understood why I wouldn’t marry him, and that he still wanted to see me anyway.

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Caught in a trap on August 31, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

TRUST, OR BETRAYAL ???

My girl of 15 months went to a conference 5-6 hours drive away. She left Tuesday and was supposed to be back late Thursday night or Friday depending on how much money she had left. We were trying to sort through our problems at the time. Her ex-husband and former “soulmate” lived in the city where she was going. We talked about that. She assured me that it was completely over 4 years ago, and that their only contact would be when she dropped off (on arrival) and picked up (at departure) their 7-year-old child. She also has a 16-year-old from another man. She is in her mid 30’s.

Wednesday night she had already checked out of the hotel where the conference was at, and where she was supposed to be staying, when I called her. The hotel said she checked out at noon. I had last talked to her at 2 or 3 PM. She did not tell me that she had checked out. She did not come home Wednesday night. Thursday she called and left me a message, in reply to my worried queries to the conference coordinator, saying that she had checked into this other hotel Wednesday night. Her message also said that she loves me. She did not try to reach me at home later or set a time to chat. She did not come home Thursday night. I left her messages.

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Still suspicious on July 6, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

All right, here’s the dilly: I’ve been with my girlfriend for nigh 3 years now. Recently, we both went through major upheavels in our lives, during which we fought & came close to ending things. During that time, she started seeing another guy. I found out because I came over for Valentine’s Day and he sent her flowers saying they had started something beautiful. Anyway, I freaked, and she told me that they had just gone on a couple of dates, nothing serious. From V-Day until recently, I had always been suspicious she was still seeing him, but whenever I asked, she told me she wasn’t and that I was being paranoid. Which, I believed, because she never lies, even when it’s the easy thing. One time I tried snooping but was caught so the only thing I accomplished was ruining her trust.

Last week, one of her good friends (who isn’t the smartest person) told me (she doesn’t know it though) that I was correct. She was seeing this guy, slept with him, etc. and lied to me when I asked. Another friend of hers told me that they did have something for a while, but it was over and that she digs me again and is head over heels. So what do I do? I don’t want to ruin my gf’s friendship on account of her friend being an airhead. At the same time, I “triumphed” over the other guy, because now everything between us is wonderful. Is there a reason to bring up these past issues? On the other hand, she lied when I confronted her and made it look like I was the person that was wrong, and she managed to make me believe it. What’s to say it won’t happen again? I don’t want to be in a relationship where I can’t trust her when we aren’t getting along.

Should I leave well enough alone or do I dig until I get the truth at the probable expense of the relationship between us and between her friends?

–J

The

A quickie from June 22, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been with my fiance for eight years and I currently live with him. I work midnight shift and he doesn’t. Recently I have been finding outrageous long distance calls to a few different numbers in a couple of different states made late at night only on nights that I am working. What do you make out of this?

— Laura

Dear Laura,

You might want to ask him.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Clothes make the man on June 1, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’ll keep this brief…or should I say bikini? I have been married for almost nine years and have two wonderful children with my husband. [Two years ago] I found out through a snoopfest that my husband is a transvestite…and has been acting out his behavior for 25 years. It floored me and freaked me out. I had the usual questions such as: did I do this to him? Is he gay? Has he been wearing my stuff? We have remained married thought I have offered separation and divorce twice since learning of his fetish. We have not had sex in two years and it is getting hard to resist the urge to find someone else to have a relationship with. He says he can control it and won’t do it anymore … I doubt him. Our sex life prior to the discovery was infrequent at best…i.e. three to four times a year. He has since explained that this is because his fetish is such a sexual stimulant to for him. I love him for the person he is…but can’t yet accept the fetish and fear I am going to “die on the vine.” How long should I wait to possibly feel something for him again? Should I leave him and give myself credit for trying for the last two years …I am not in love with him or even attracted to him anymore…or is it my problem and I should live with it?

— WonderWear

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MSN.com, Match.com, HappenMagazine.com: they’re in a healthy and satisfying 3-way relationship. Meaning that you can find MSN/Match.com’s “Ask Lynn” columns –penned by BG’s alter ego — over at Happen now as well.

This week Lynn hears from Need Lots of Help, who probably only needs a little help. She writes:

I try not to bother him and respect his privacy just as I would anyone. However, he closes his open windows, especially his email, if I go near him when he is online. What does this mean?

Good question. Check out Lynn’s answer, along with the full letter at Happen, then come back here to add your own thoughts!

S.N.A.F.U. on April 6, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Cindy and I lived together, off and on (due to the Military) for two and a half years. About six months ago I told her that I wanted to move out and live on my own. It wasn’t because I didn’t love her; I just felt like I was losing my own self. Well I went away for a month in October, and when I got back we finally broke up. The problem is that I still love her. She says that she loves me, but doesn’t trust me. I understand this, and I also understand how much I hurt her. But I love her with all my heart and she’s the only one for me. I try to make some excuse for either seeing her, or talking to her, every day. That’s really not hard to do, since we have a dog together, and I guess we kind of share joint custody. She seems to get really annoyed with me some times, and when I ask her if she can see us having a future together again, she says she doesn’t know. This is from someone who wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, and someday have kids. I don’t want to be with anyone else, and I feel like I’m empty with out her. But am I fooling myself? Should I just give up and go on with my life? Or is there some hope for me? I know that I’m not perfect, and have some major flaws in my personality. But if you really love someone, shouldn’t you be able to over look those flaws?

— KC

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Classic advice from April 13, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I recently tapped my home phone and found out my wife was planning to meet a male “friend” to “hang out” for the coming weekend. A few days before, she told me she was going out-of-town to hang out with some old girl friends.

I confronted her with what I thought was a planned affair. She denied any affair, and insists that the guy is only a friend and nothing else. Although the conversation I heard had no explicit plan, i.e. “…we’ll meet and screw,” it was fraught with the kind of sexual tension and innuendo that only two lovers have. He was saying things like “the door is always open…” etc.

I pressed the issue and my wife admitted that they had had an “incident” before we met. She says that she has no intention of sleeping with anyone but me and that she loves me, and that this guy is not sexually interested in her. However, their phone conversation sounded totally different too me.

I didn’t reveal how I got my info, but now I don’t know if I should trust my wife. Is this an innocent diversion? Or something that is bound to happen?

— Sleeping With One Eye Open

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