Unsettled on November 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have a problem. I’m almost 24, and am feeling very unsettled with life at the moment. Some major changes have happened over the last year or so. My relationship of 5 years ended, I finished University, made a cross-country move, I got a job, got laid off, got another job, changed my religion (from Christianity to Paganism) and made some great friends in my new city who all subsequently moved overseas. I now have no friends and am finding it hard to meet others (and yes, I have done all those things like join clubs etc).

But, that is not my problem. I want to travel. I am currently saving money so I can get going. I will be going to Scotland to meet up with one of my friends who left, and we will then backpack the world. Pretty much going wherever we feel like. I have wanted to do this for ages, and am not about to change my mind now.

My problem is this. I am reaching that age when people expect you to settle down, buy a house/apartment, get married, start really shooting up the corporate ladder etc. But, I am not in the least bit interested in all this mundane reality. Not yet anyway. However, I am finding increasing pressure to start settling down, look for a boyfriend and potential future husband and ease into full adulthood. The family (who I am once again living with to save money for my big adventure) constantly drop broad hints about this. But I am not ready, and quite frankly don’t know if I ever will be. At the moment I could quite easily spend the next 10 years picking olives in Greece, sweeping floors in Mexico and building walls in China. Is this vision unrealistic? Am I too old to be doing this now? Is 35 too old to really start your adult life? How do I make the family understand? All these questions! Yet, in my soul I know this is something I have to do for myself. If I don’t I will eternally regret it.

Any help or advise would be greatly appreciated.Thanks.

— Edana

BG’s answer after the jump!

Caught in a trap on August 31, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

TRUST, OR BETRAYAL ???

My girl of 15 months went to a conference 5-6 hours drive away. She left Tuesday and was supposed to be back late Thursday night or Friday depending on how much money she had left. We were trying to sort through our problems at the time. Her ex-husband and former “soulmate” lived in the city where she was going. We talked about that. She assured me that it was completely over 4 years ago, and that their only contact would be when she dropped off (on arrival) and picked up (at departure) their 7-year-old child. She also has a 16-year-old from another man. She is in her mid 30’s.

Wednesday night she had already checked out of the hotel where the conference was at, and where she was supposed to be staying, when I called her. The hotel said she checked out at noon. I had last talked to her at 2 or 3 PM. She did not tell me that she had checked out. She did not come home Wednesday night. Thursday she called and left me a message, in reply to my worried queries to the conference coordinator, saying that she had checked into this other hotel Wednesday night. Her message also said that she loves me. She did not try to reach me at home later or set a time to chat. She did not come home Thursday night. I left her messages.

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Getting crazy on August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have an unusual situation. I don’t really have a girlfriend per se, but there is a woman in my life who I see when I’m around. I travel a lot, as in 85% of the time. I may only get 3-4 days notice that I, for example, have to go to Jerusalem for three months. Or, I may wakeup one morning to a phone call asking me to go to San Francisco for the day. Needless to say, it’s hard to have a real relationship. There is this woman in my life, who I do care a lot about, but we drive each other nuts. The net result is that we bump into each other when I’m in town, and have a really wild and crazy, completely irresponsible, sexually torrid, two-day affair. Then we each decide that the other is nuts, start avoiding each other, and then I leave town. When I get back, the cycle repeats. Our love/hate thing seems to be based on the fact that we’re really very similar people, but we’ve gone two separate ways. We see eye-to-eye and understand each other, but our lives are utterly different. I’m a highly paid technical consultant and she’s a stripper/full-time alcoholic. I collect exotic sports cars and condos in interesting places, she couch-surfs and does a lot of methamphetamine. I take meticulous care of my personal finances, and she periodically tries to kill herself. As you can see, we’re very different. But, underneath these different surfaces, live nearly identical minds. Weird, isn’t it? I keep getting drawn back into her chaotic life, no matter how much I tell myself that I just need to walk away. Part of the reason, I’m sure, is that no one other than a wildly unstable lunatic would ever want to be involved with me. I’m successful, but wildly eccentric. I’m sort of a suit and tie guy, but deep down at heart (and on weekends) I’m a shaved-head and leather clothes kinda guy. We’re a perfect match in some deeply twisted way (I won’t go into the details, but we share many common interests). Should I just give up for good?

— Jason

This is truly a job for Breakup Girl … after the jump!

I’m fascinated by stories of my parents’ courtship, even though it was a bit pedestrian. Meeting in journalism class, the Under The Sea fraternity dance, my mom’s pixie cut. But now I’m fascinated by other people’s parents’ stories, thanks to an adorable piece by Peter Smith at nerve.com. While they were dating, his parents took a long walk — a really long walk, like from Pennsylvania to Wisconsin — and somewhere along this 1200 mile trek (Bucyrus, Ohio, actually) the two decided to get married.

How long had you known each other?

D: For three years. We were beginning to feel that we needed to make a decision of some kind. In fact, while walking, we did decide to get married.

M: Yeah, because we realized that we could do even something stressful – and it was stressful – like that and still want to be with each other most of the time, which is as good as it gets. We also got far enough away from home that it really felt like our decision. It didn’t feel like anybody’s parents peering over our shoulders.

Read the whole piece at nerve.com. Do you know your parents’ story? And have you ever used traveling together as a test of your relationship?

Lemons: Being dumped at altar. Taking honeymoon with brother.

Lemonade: Penning NYT bestseller Honeymoon With My Brother.

For his next trick, self-described “professional dumpee” Franz Wisner, author of the above, is releasing his followup work, How the World Makes Love: . . . And What It Taught a Jilted Groom.
This time, the brothers Wisner trekked to seven different countries — Brazil, New Zealand, Egypt, India, the Czech Republic, Nicaragua and Botswana; not a mix that’ll help you win Risk — to see what love looks like ’round the world. We welcome Wisner back from his second honeymoon!

A LONG one from December 16, 1997…

Dear Breakup Girl,
I’ve just spent $1500 in air fare and hotel bills to visit a man I’d corresponded with by e-mail frequently (often more than once a day) for seven months. We seemed especially well-suited to each other (we have identical graduate degrees) and each of us was amazed at how easy and natural the relationship progressed.

But from the first moment of my arrival, it was obvious that he was not really present or interested. For the next few days, he spent bare minimum time with me — I finally told him I felt like I was his mother’s roommate’s niece that he had promised to show around town.

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