Not appealing on November 2, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

Two days ago on a park bench (cliche!) my boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me. I think. His grounds? Law school. He explained that his first year at law school has monopolized his time, and that he can’t be good to anybody else right now, blah blah, and that he felt helpless and guilty that he was unable to be as good a boyfriend as he had in the past. All of this was said through tears. He then insisted that this was not a breakup but a hiatus and closed the deal by saying he loved me. What is the dilly? Am I dumped or what?

— Law School Widow

Dear LSW,

Yes. Truly sorry. But at least he said it through tears. Not through, say, an attorney.

Love,
Breakup Girl

All dressed up and no place to go on December 14, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My girlfriend and I have been dating ever since she asked me to our school’s Winter Formal last year. It went pretty well, although I had to work around her schedule because she was a seriously competitive swimmer. But, we were happy and had plenty of time for each other. I grew real attached to her during this time (in a mental sense, not physically). At any rate, about eight months ago she switched to another swim team, where they really work her out. For the past couple of months, she hasn’t had time for anything other than swimming and school. She’d always been tired, and would hardly talk on the phone or in person. I always had to sacrifice and work around her schedule to be able to do anything, since swimming is such a high priority to her. I’m a pretty busy guy too, but still, the lack of attention was kind of bothering me. Still, I thought it wasn’t so bad, until the Winter Formal came around this year. We went together again, and it was pretty bad. She barely talked at all during dinner, and her eyes were all bloodshot from not getting enough sleep. She swam about 8 miles that morning, so I can see why she was tired, but still, the dance was bad. She didn’t dance much at all, and every once in a while she would wander off and talk to people in some of her classes or to the people on her swim team that go to our school. All this tiredness and wandering — should I just accept this as the result of dating a nationally-ranked swimmer, or should I mention something to her about it, or what? I’m really confused, ’cause I’m no expert in relationships and stuff. Please help me!

— DC

BG busts out an important maxim after the jump!

You know that charming but not TOO charming, witty but not TOO witty, flirty but not TOO flirty back-and-forth you’ve struck up with that guy at CouldThisBeTheOne.com? You might actually be flirting back not with that guy himself, but with virtual-virtual him: a correspondent hired to take care of the pre-meeting nitty-gritty online half of online dating.

The Washington Post reports that more and more singles (roughly 80% men) are getting some very personal assistants — whether their own secretaries or via a new cottage industry of ghost writers — to manage their online dating correspondence for them: creating their profiles and handling all  correspondence up to but not including the actual, real-life date. Why? Mostly, they tell the Post, because they’re busy. Really busy. And yes, to be fair, the online part of online dating — while efficient — can indeed be time-consuming. Then again, so can explaining why it was not actually YOU that they’d been flirting with the whole time. So.

Part of me wants to say “Hey, we’re all ‘busy.’ Make time, hosers.” But part of me can summon a little more rachmones than that. I mean, they’re trying. They’re not giving up. They’re not getting all Up in the Air and letting “busy” be an excuse for not searching at all. Tacky, maybe, but there’s some hope there, too. And I can always get behind hope.

What do you think? Acceptable compromise, or Cyrano-no?

Raising the bar on March 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been seeing my current boyfriend for about a year and while I care for him very much, he constantly disappoints me. He has a habit of calling me hours (or even minutes) before we are supposed to go out and tells me he is going to be late or he simply can’t go. I think I love him, but this behavior causes me to call these feelings into question. I make time in my busy schedule (I am a law student) to see him, and I am hurt by the constant disappointments. What should I do?

— Marilyn

Dear Marilyn,

Breakup Girl looked at your Life-Runner, and you don’t have time to make time for someone who won’t make time for you.

Love,
Breakup Girl

Second thoughts from March 16, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

For the past three months I have been dating this guy. We started out as friends working together and things developed from there. Well, now that I have spent a lot of time with him I realize that maybe we should have remained just friends. Now the problem is that he is in love with me and wants a long-term relationship. I want to concentrate on my career right now and have no time for such a serious relationship. I really care for him but I don’t want to stay in this relationship but I don’t want to hurt him either. Help!

— Raven

Dear Raven,

My best friend and I have this joke where if someone asks one of us, “How’s your love life?” we always say, “My CAREER is going GREAT!” Even after like six years, we still find this side-splitting. Usually.

(more…)

Ask Lynn, Breakup Girl’s alter ego’s advice column at MSN.com (powered by Match.com), is now being updated monthly rather than weekly, so now you’ll get two new letters each month, starting with…

1. Frustrated was given her name by a man who has become “too tired” to make time for her as often as he used to. Is this legit?

2. Mr. Hug — aka mr-shoulder-to-cry-on — is a nice guy finishing last with two different crushes. Does he have a real shot with these ladies, or should he dry off?

Think you’re “too busy” for a relationship? Try being a super hero…

(more…)

A real go-getter from January 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,
I really like this guy — should I ask him out? Or should I wait until he does?
–Confused

Dear Confused,
There’s something to be said for waiting. Not because I think we should go back to the time when girls didn’t ask guys out, there were no women in Congress, etc. But because it’s fun to get asked out! It’s flattering! It’s thrilling! (Unless your suitor is that weird boy who wears shorts year-round, even in winter. You know the one.) And, more often than not, it’s useful — when he makes the first move, your preliminary guesswork is over: you know he’s interested, or at least “curious” (my term for one notch below “interested”).

But the same goes both ways. If you really want to be all you -go-girl about it, well then, you go, girl. Ask him out. Once. If he’s busy (or “busy”), you’ve at least made your point. Ball’s in his court now. You don’t have time to chase or flatter. You’ve got to work on that bid for Congress.
Love,
Breakup Girl