The Predicament of the Week from December 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I have been consulting your Website for the past few weeks, and I have found it to be chock full of good humor and good advice, which is what us broken-hearted people need. I have found myself in one of those situations that requires consultation. Trouble is, everyone has given me conflicting feedback, so I was hoping to submit this to you, the grand pooh-bah of the broken up.

Here is my story: After a lengthy period of not having anyone special in my life, I met this fantastic woman. I live in a college town, so it’s kind of a major event when I find someone my own age. She’s thirty, single, the mother of two children, appreciates the nuances of the “The Dukes of Hazzard” and likes to act out scenes from Shakespeare plays as foreplay. All in all, a great match for me.

Over the course of a few months, Mr. Love pays us a visit, and we start talking about “the Big Picture,” which includes us moving in together and living happily ever after, etc. But I couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow at her occassional freakouts. Over time, I find out that her last boyfriend and the father of her second child turned out to be a full-blown psycho. So there was physical and mental abuse in her past, and probably some pretty unspeakable things.

I take this all in, and our relationship quickly keeps going up and up. I plan this big, romantic dinner, and she is all giddy with anticipation. I had tried to tell her that I loved her before, but she had put her hand over my mouth to stop me. She had melted then, but she wouldn’t let me say it. So I am thinking that its time to try again. The big day comes, plans have been made, and I get this feeling that tonight is the right time. But earlier that day, my best friend from college, a women who I have known for ten years, e-mails me to tell me that she is coming to town to attend a wedding, and wants a place to crash. So, me being Mr. Sensitive and all, I figure I should ask my girlfriend how she feels about this before I give the OK.

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Looking for some fun on November 30, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m a 37-year-old graduate student who’s having the usual dating difficulties common among those of us who are old and grey and cankered. I know (since you mentioned it) that there’s a book entitled “How to Get Married Over 35” and I’ve had a look at that; the problem is that I don’t want to get married, I just want a date or three, and so the advice is just a trifle off the mark (I mean, I don’t want to meet a nice church going man who wants a mother for his three sons, as much as this would doubtless be another woman’s dream).

Therefore, I’m wondering if you (equipped as you are with superhearing, supersight and super-connection-to-this-particular-aspect-of-the-Publishing-world) happen to know of any other titles, websites, mailing-lists, what have you, that are focused on this particular segment of the dateless population (old farts).

There are tons of on-line personals ads, of course — but I’m not interested in sending erotic e-mail to a phantom on the other side of the globe. My fantasy life works just fine all by itself (after all, as you pointed out, fantasies are just that, and that’s why they’re fun). I’m looking for more concrete suggestions.

Do you have any? Suggestions, that is…

— Jo

BG’s answer after the jump!

The Predicament of the Week from September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I am 38 years old, and have never been in a REALLY serious relationship before. A few short-term romances, a few really good friendships that might have been… I had accepted, and was quite happy with the fact that I probably would never marry, and would spend my life alone.

About 10 years ago, I met a guy who became a fairly good friend. There was always a little spark of something there, and whenever we were at the same party, or just ran into each other, we talked to each other to the exclusion of everyone else. If someone else happened to be around they faded into the background while we gazed into each other’s eyes and talked. But, we were both busy, and he never pursued anything, so I accepted that the feeling was probably all on my side, and I moved on with my life.

3 1/2 years ago I moved away, and 2 years ago was in town on business, and left him a note to say hello. I told him where I was staying, and to call if he got a chance, but I never really expected to hear from him. That night, he called, and invited me to dinner and a swim at his house. I went, and we had a lovely time in the pool, and over dinner, and I went back home thinking about him. One incident in particular stood out. While he was giving me a tour of the house, I was sitting on the bed looking at a book, and I asked him a question, and looked up and smiled at him as I asked it. He was gazing at me with such intense emotion in his eyes, that it left me confused. When I looked up he glanced away quickly, and he couldn’t answer my question. He nodded, with his head still turned aside, and I could see his Adam’s Apple bob as he swallowed. I’m pretty sure it was not a lustful look, but a hungry, lonely one. One that said “Could you possibly love me as much as I love you?”

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Intellectualizing on August 31, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I never even get that far. I want to be in a committed relationship so much and I never, ever manage to even have a boyfriend or dates past one or two.

What on earth is wrong with me? I’m a little overweight but I am sexy (even I can tell that) and objectively, I am probably more attractive than any woman who happens to be with someone I desire. Furthermore, I actually am very smart and very, very well-educated (abroad). My friend (a journalist) says I am an intellectual posing as a babe. That pretty much sums it up, really. ( I say all this because most people totally overestimate their looks and intelligence.)

Everyone I am attracted to wants or is involved with someone else. Always. The holidays used to be a dull ache but now they feel like stabs in my face, sharp and so painful.

I am very scared of ending up alone. Christmas is already starting to make me cry and we’re just in August. I just don’t know why I am being punished like this.

And by the way, I used to blame this feeling on where I come from which is a rural area. Since then, I have lived on two additional continents and three countries, in each case looking for love (if I have to admit that). Obviously the problem is with me and I am scared of always being alone or having to settle (which I think I would never do).

I am 30 years old by the way.

— Scared and Loveless

BG’s advice after the jump!

Disharmony from August 17, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

You rule… I discovered the site lo these many months ago, and can’t start the week without checking in. But now it’s time for me to receive the royal scepter bonk on the head, if you will, or perhaps the superheroine firm but kindly lasso round my constricted brain. Briefly (I swear!): Years of relationships lasting eight months or less. Frankly, I’m tired of it. It’s not that I want to get married per se, but I would like to find someone to, in a way, share the driving duties with me on the road of life. I’m very independent, sassy and all that, and I’m generally happy with my life and most everything is swell or at least manageable–except for this itty bitty absense of a partner. It doesn’t help that I’m in my mid-thirties and most of my friends have already hooked up with long-term squeezes, husbands, and all that, so there are increasingly fewer babes to play with out on the town.

Anyhow, I met this man in a band I was in…it was supposed to be a one- or two-shot deal, a couple of gigs and then b’bye but the music scene here is such that we kept running into each other after *ha* the gig was up. Then, we’re in another short-term band! Hoorah! So, more music, more hanging out. After one of these practices, we go to a party together, and I end up spending the night, and I’m happy, it all seems passionate and mutual and all manners of goodness.

The goodness continues for weeks, until he returns from a trip to the west coast, and is distant. (more…)

Desperately single on May 25, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I need to whine, and I think this might be the best (most constructive) place for it. I’m having a really hard time being single at age 35! I feel so isolated lately. I live alone, in a town that’s very popular with 20-somethings. Most of my friends are married, engaged, living or completely involved with their significant others. Ditto for my co-workers, who are also much older than I am, so there’s no social action there. I do belong to a gym, but that’s yet to produce any dates. I join groups, I go to networking events, I get out, but I am BURNED OUT on the search! I even tried the personals. I haven’t had a date since December, and I don’t see any prospects on the horizon. Let me add that I am very attractive, spirited, smart, and warm. I wonder — is there anybody else out there suffering from the 30-something dry spell? What is a girl to do? I’m actually thinking of trying to find a bartending or waitressing job, just so I can meet and flirt with some men again! This situation is crazy! Any insight!?

— Ann

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Justifiable matrimony from February 9, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

My girlfriend and I are both interested in marriage and children, and find each other sufficiently attractive that we’re willing to consider pursuing those goals jointly. We’re both approaching 40. I’m very shy, so I’ve had only three serious relationships before. She is about equally shy, but has had a little more experience, because as a woman she hasn’t been required to take the first move in relationships.

The thing that worries me is that we share almost no common interests other than our common interest in making a family. Can such a relationship work? Are we just getting desperate, and trying to make a relationship work that really can’t?

— James

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