Getting serious on September 7, 1998…

Dear Breakup Girl,

I’m 25 and when I was 9 I was molested for over a year by my babysitter. Obviously this was a pretty traumatic experience. But since my family doesn’t seem to like dealing with any sort of unpleasantness, it was never talked about within my family and I have never gone through any therapy.

Fast forward to the present: I’m a fairly well-adjusted kickass kind of chick who feels fairly normal compared to some of her emotionally unstable friends. There is one problem though; I can’t seem to date anyone for longer than two weeks. Most of the time the guys are losers who can’t commit and so they ditch me pretty quickly. Also up until recently I wasn’t sure I wanted to date anyone seriously.

Well, now I want to and it feels like I can’t.

So here’s the big question: Can someone who’s suffered a trauma that shattered her confidence in herself and others when she was a child ever have a healthy relationship? I don’t really feel like I need therapy cause I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me emotionally. But I’ve been dating for 7 years and have never had a long term, committed relationship.

If you have an opinion, please share it.

–Jeze

BG’s opinion after the jump!

This Valentine’s Day, TOMORROW, PEOPLE, February 14th, at 7:30pm, HBO 2 will premier Debra J. Solomon’s animated short film Getting Over Him in 8 Songs or Less. The film chronicles the period in Solomon’s life just after her husband of 17 years — 17 years! — leaves her. Nearly paralyzed with loss and loneliness, she found herself writing songs. That process became this film: directed, written, sung, narrated, and generally made wonderful by Debra J. Solomon, of whom I am now a huge fan.

While I’m not going currently going through a rough breakup, I’ve been through some so cataclysmic and life-altering I probably still need therapy, and that’s just what Debra’s film gave me. Her songs aren’t so much steps to recovery as earnest expressions of all the painful questions, doubts, and disappointments that one experiences when someone they’ve built their life around suddenly walks away. Solomon doesn’t dwell on her own details, but we certainly feel like we get to know her — and root for her. Her songs are personal and poignant, but their universal themes will speak to any aching heart.

Used to be that when the issue of “green” came up in a relationship, someone had a jealousy problem. But now the New York Times reports that therapists are seeing a growing number of couples with serious disagreements about how far they should go to save the environment. What’s a couple to do when one wants to consume, consume, consume and the other wants to reduce, reuse and recycle?

In my own life, I’ve found myself too environmentally conscious for some and not enough for others. What it really comes down to is clear communication and the ability to gauge whether or not different values equal dealbreakers. Since I am not married, the extent to which I choose to be environmentally conscious is already a part of the whole package; slight variations in the size of our collective footprint are negotiable. Basically, I choose my battles if I really like someone.

As family and marriage therapist Linda Buzzell tells the Times, “The danger arises when one partner undergoes an environmental ‘waking up’ process way before the other, leaving a new values gap between them.” The article makes it sound as if for those already married, this is akin to someone suddenly finding God (and being married to a heathen). While it can be that dramatic in terms of thought process and lifestyle, it can also be explained as just an aspect of personal growth — which is natural over time and especially over the course of a marriage. My question is whether the problems couples are experiencing stem more from an inability to stay connected and cope with personal growth on any level (whether that takes the form of a new environmental consciousness or an interest in hot rods) or if we are looking to scapegoat Mother Nature?

Robert Brulle, a professor of environment and sociology at Drexel University in Philadelphia, said that he himself has seen this issue break up a marriage. Typically, “One still wants to live the American dream with all that means, and the other wants to give up on big materialistic consumption, “ he says. “Those may not be compatible.” Maybe it’s time to find a new American Dream and give healthy marriages and a healthy environment a place to grow within it.

Coda: Have you ever grappled over greenness? Share or opine in the comments!

I never quite understand what’s going on when companies — like Lexus, say — “build their brands” by putting “content” on their websites that has nothing to do with … Lexus. But after watching these geeeeeenius (and BG-relevant!) videos starring Lisa Kudrow, I just don’t care.

Mind Hacks recently featured a highly amusing husband and wife rating chart from the 1930s, invented by marriage counselor George W. Crane, MD, Ph.D. How it works: your spouse earns merit or demerit points based on his or her behaviors and characteristics. Some (“Snores”) are things we can still relate to, while the rest offer a curious peek into the norms and expectations of that era (demerits for a husband who “talks of efficiency of his stenographer or other women” or a wife who “fails to sew on buttons or darn socks regularly”).

Crane aimed to be “scientific” in the development of this test; true to form, according to the American Psychological Association, he started the Scientific Marriage Foundation, which took a “scientific” approach to marriage and claimed to have set up more than 5,000 marriages.

I wonder what a modern version of this questionnaire would look like. Demerits for “brings laptop to bed”?